last week,
i found myself in the midst of a breakup,
feeling utterly disappointed again.
i won’t hold you:
Mandisa’s passing hit me like a ton of bricks,
stirring up a whirlwind of emotions and doubts.
how could someone so loyal…
perhaps even to the point of toxic christianity:
…have her life cut short while still clinging to hope?
mandisa longed for a partner but while she waited.
chose to pursue a relationship with God instead.
in the end,
it seemed as though her devotion was met with silence,
her time on earth abruptly halted.
it left me questioning the fairness of it all.
Why is it that those who cause pain seem to thrive while the faithful endure suffering and heartache?
i’ve witnessed God seemingly guide me towards promising opportunities,
only to watch them crumble before my eyes.
my hand was held through the darkness only to be lead back into more darkness.
Jobs
Potential relationships and friendships
Even the loss of loved ones
i mean,
look at the state of the world atm.
it begged the question:
does God harbor ill will towards me?
i’m not out here spreading negativity,
so why does it feel like i’m constantly met with disappointment?
does God expect us to endure hardship just to earn a glimpse of happiness?
is this some kind of club that only the horrible survive?
in the midst of my turmoil,
and letting him know just how angry i was with him last week,
i couldn’t help but wonder:
does God bless us when we live in the murky shades of gray?
…or is it possible that the toxicity doesn’t lie within us, but within the very God we’ve been taught to worship?
lowkey: i got back with God but i feel hesitant to trust again.
She didn’t deserve to pass alone and not found for so long I don’t know, Jamari
Where were her so-called friends? I freak out if I don’t hear back from loved ones within a week. She deserved better and everything does not work out in this life. I hope being reunited with her friend is her reality. Because this suffering cannot be all that there is.
I am sad to read your insouciant commentary: referencing Bible Study and Darrel Walls. Your inner dark spots and continual posts of feeling suicidal would perhaps improve, should you be graceful and respectful towards God, not Christianity so much, but God as we call Him, God as we know Him. It is not humorous, Jamari.
You are amazing, talented, gifted, celebrated, successful and deeply loved.💖💖💖💖💖.
I know this feeling all to well!!!!