yesterday,
i was on the phone with cousin hybrid for over two hours,
catching up on everything:

Politics
Dating
Life updates
Family
The ins and outs of males who lurk on Rih’s social media

but somewhere towards the end,
we stumbled onto an unexpected “a-ha” moment about our childhood…

when i was younger,
there was an older male who lived on the next block.
by older,
he was late 20s-early 30s.
he became a hermit and allegedly,
he would go outside as a cross dresser.
this is what THEY said to me about him.
i was warned not to ride my bike over there because:

“He’ll rape and kill you.”

you know i don’t listen so i rode my bike over there anyway,
hoping to catch a glimpse of this kid killing machine in vixen’s clothing.
THEY activated my curiosity about him.
i never got to see him and his house was always dark.
it dawned on me and i said to cousin hyrbid:

“The way some other men have treated me is like that man.
Even as a kid,
I was “the F WORD who lived in the next block”.”

the rumors have been “he’ll come onto you” to “you’ll be gay by association“,
which caused many males to look at me with fear but curiosity too.
i was painted as something i wasn’t just like that man was.
here’s the part that really got me:

For the men who were publicly straight but privately…
something else,
I was their secret in the shadows.
In the daylight,
I was something to be avoided.
In the shadows,
I was the one they let their guard down with.
In the shadows,
I was the person to being them pleasure in their shame.

it made me wonder about males who sneak around with other men,
many of this hatred towards gays is just inherited fear?
there was a uncle,
cousin,
or someone who lived on their block.
words like “rape” and “kill” were used on those who were likely innocent,
turning them into villains out of rumors and their own inherited fears.

This why many of the bible thumpers act this way.
I keep fonting to ya’ll that you’ll get some GREAT sex from a closeted Christian.

They gotta let that fear out in some way.

as much as it hurt to be to have the scarlet “F” on my chest,
i had to stop and ask myself if the fear really about us?
or…

Was the fear having to accept being one of us?

lowkey: many she-jackals fanned the flames of homophobia in my life.
it’s sad that all their menz an crushes became curious and wanted to fuck me.
they sent some good dick my way and i didn’t have to work hard for it.
thanks ladies!