i am not your trauma but i come with love and snacks

i had an interesting discussion with my cousin hybrid last weekend.
he has had more experience on the dating scene,
but he has dated/fucked a lot more white males.
i can font that i’ve never experienced that side of the dating forest.
the closest i’ve “cum” to that was a dry hump hook up with a biracial wolf.
it’s not to font i’d never date a white wolf,
but black wolves are my top choices.
latino wolves a strong second.
so my cousin hybrid goes on to say on that phone call:

“Let me tell you something about some black males…”

and that’s when he sorta blew my mind with that followed…

he is currently dating an italian hybrid at the moment.
one who isn’t the “black woman” the white twinks desire to be.
he has casually dated a few black wolves,
but his last relationship for 2 years was with a black hybrid.

very handsome
very “foxhole” type

during their relationship,
he was always unhappy.
he said the reasoning why was because…

“He would put me in the same box as his trauma.”

I had to tell him a few times that I was trying to love him.
He is oceans away from his home,
able to be out to the world,
but was still scared of being gay getting back to his family.
I’ve noticed a lot of black gay males suffer from some kind of trauma.
Whether in the closet or out,
black males will often treat you like their trauma.
Self hate is instilled within us.
We use that trauma as weapons on each other.
In the straight communities,
some black males will treat black women like shit.
Black women,
in turn,
turn very bitter and jaded and what does that equal?
Trauma.
Now they go into the dating world with chips on their shoulders.
Taking out all that trauma on black males who shows interest.”

he went on to say:

“…so when most of us meet white males,
they come from a place of love that we desperately want.
They have their own issues,
and some have this “BBC” slave/master fantasy,
but not as much as dating black males.
Their privilege has allowed them to understand “love”.

The white males I’ve been with want to be affectionate in public,
hold hands,
kiss,
say “I love you”,
and do all the things I’d love to do with a black male.
Until we all face our trauma,
there will be limited representation of black love.
This is why I don’t really date black men as much anymore.
It can be abusive.”

wow.
it’s interesting how all the black communities share something in common.
the straights can be no different than some gays when it comes to trauma.
i do think many of us need to face what has traumatized us.
myself included.
until then,
we will be in that same hopeless place trying to find love.
often times…


It’s just puts a “band-aid” over a serious wound

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

19 thoughts on “i am not your trauma but i come with love and snacks

    1. @ Atonio… Thank you for putting it so eloquently.

      I date Black men exclusively [ In the past I have dated non- black and would follow love wherever it leads]

      Black men are Beautiful ,Smart Spiritual , Loving and Sexy.

      BLACK MEN ARE A REFLECTION of ..

      * Me
      * My Mother
      * My History

      For me Black men make me feel Amazing knowing that they can closely see the world through my eyes when I look into his eyes.

      I have been in 3 Black LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS . I am in one now going on its 5th year!!!

      Please don’t loose hope my brothers. IF you don’t agree with this ( Its not meant for you )

      I wish you love( Smile)

      1. Um, so you say you’ve been in 3 LTR with black men and your current is 5 years strong?

        *scratches like Tyrone Biggums*

        Can you um….erruhhh…give some pointers to how you did that?

      2. EXACTLY Who you associate yourself with & date is a reflection of YOU!! It seems as if Jamari’s cousin hates himself and looks for love in the type of people that he wants to look like, be perceived as, etc. He’s using this “trauma” as an excuse to deflect from the fact that he hates himself!

    2. My ex and I bonded over our trauma, helped each other begin to heal and were affectionate in public. I have met VERY FEW white men who do not make us a fetish. They LOVE “Skrong Black women”. And they’re becoming more “Woke” because of Black Twitter, knowing what to say to make you think they’re “not like other White men”.

    3. So wait..He doesn’t think white men have their own issues of trauma.. What he said is pure nonsense White privilege doesn’t protect white men from trauma.. As a Psychotherapist, I’ve worked with quite a few out white gay couples.. talk about Fuked up. I dont get where people come up with these generalizations about Black People. It’s pure nonsense. It’s better to be honest and admit that they themselves have an attraction to white men, and not try to put it off as Black men have problems so they date white men.. I’m going to assume he’s talking about himself, as it sounds like a lot of his own projection onto Black men.

  1. This is an open statement to anyone who reads this :

    Evan if you are Half Black and don’t date Black Men, or speak negatively of black men or women means YOU MAY NOT LOVE YOURSELF!! ( This is just my opinion and still wish you the best)

  2. I understand your cousin to an extent. Calling it abuse is a stretch. Black men are usually less likely to show PDA or introduce you to friends/family. It’s not always true and it can be accredited to cultural differences—our community is more homophobic and masculinity is more important due to higher attempts of demasculinization.
    One thing I’m noticing is black foxes I’ve met seem more picky. They know what they want and don’t want.

  3. Your cousin would have killed me high if I had that convo with him. The reason your cousin is having trouble finding love from his own kind is largely due to the internalized homophobia that a lot of Black men struggle with… its part of the aftershock of being brainwashed by them hundreds of years, too many issues in our community that was caused by them that’s why I could never be with one.

  4. I hear your cousin Jamari and I understand his position but to me he is taking the easy way out of a relationship to find someone who gives him little or no challenges, someone whose perceived liberation allows him to feel liberated. To me That’s not a relationship, that’s being in a safe house.

    I think what your cousin does not take into consideration or maybe hes not bothered by this fact, is that our people , believe it or not, are ALL affected by Babylon’s indoctrination of how we live and how to live and the values to accept. We may all look alike but we are certainly not monolithic so every one of us comes with our own baggage. It seems he was not prepared to have a RELATIONSHIP with the brother as it was too much work, causing him stress.

    Now I’ll be the first to admit relationships are HARD WORK and you have to be dedicated just like starting your own business. Its about the journey, about change and the challenges it throws at you From what you said it seems your cousin wasn’t looking for that, rather he was looking for a partner that made HIM look good.

    Rarely have I seen where someone from a different culture shares the same values as the other. Rarely have I seen in inter-racial relationships where cultural values connect . I think what your cousin fails to tell you is the struggles he has had in his relationship with his white lover. The question is he is prepared to go through thick and thin with his white partner and not with his brother and his excuse is brother has too many issues, too much baggage.

    The person without issues and baggage is not born as yet. Question is why isn’t he ready to deal with the brothers baggage and it could simply mean he still has a lot of baggage himself that his white boyfriend will hopefully change. From my experience they are never successful. By looking at his brother he diminished him to the rank of minority, of not being full or not seen as full just like how white people see us. His white lover makes him feel FULL. Isn’t it funny how we as a community continue to consciously or unconsciously continue to diminish ourselves and each other as we don’t see ourselves as equal to the whites or seen as simply human beings. worthy of love despite our flaws?

  5. So, I think your cousin has a point. I live in a small city where black males are taught to be hyper masculine and lack education. Through forced religion or society or both, these black men are afraid to be condemned, yearn for societal approval, and are indoctrinated into a toxic biblical culture that teaches you from childhood that being gay is the worst possible thing on earth that you can be. So, while not all black men have these issues, a large majority do, and I’ve been somewhat guilty of the same “trauma,” but I’m still trying to learn and grow. Also religion and white supremacy has targeted black men in such a hateful and harmful way that most white men could never, ever understand, have never experienced, and therefore they don’t often project onto their significant other the same type of “trauma.” I mean, if you look any sandrose blog mentioning a gay or suspect man, tons of angry black women are saying the most derogatory statements about them. Mind you, I’m sure most of them have a family member who is gay, so imagine how a black male feels knowing that the women that he loves and maybe adores think he is a freak or is going to hell or that his father who taught his son, who looks up to him, that “being a f*ckin’ f*g is abnormal.”

    1. Yikes. The Black men in my city have degrees and flex with their nice cars. Stereotyping Black men based on a small town isn’t healthy. Move.

  6. And make no mistake, there are plenty of closeted White men. White men are more affectionate outwardly, because to them it’s not sexual. Black men make everything sexual. If you hug a Black man, you’re suspect. STFU.

  7. I think a lot of people had some pretty awesome comments. I believe in the theory behind interracial relationships but simply put I think a lot of black people (black men in particular) are looking for an escape hatch from blackness. Historically interracial marriage was more common among higher educated and more affluent African Americans where there became symbolism of racial prestige and socioeconomic prestige or in other words the white spouse was seen more as a trophy or status symbol. If you really do your research, there is a lot of information out there about interracial relationships.

    The Problem with the Media

    For me I think my main issue is with the media and its overrepresentation of interracial relationships. Statistically any where from 78% to 80% of black people will marry other black people and 80% of professional black people will marry other black people, but you would never get that since have the media tell it. The media and entertainment industry as a whole don’t really support or showcase strong black relationships of any kind whether they be romantic, friendships, or just general support amongst the community. I know sometimes for me it’s a little hard because have the media tell I’m a unicorn, most of my friends including myself are black, college educated , at various stages of professional careers , and are married, in relationships, or date other black people. I know without us supporting one another we wouldn’t have made it out of college and yet I hardly see any reflection of that in the mainstream media. I think the media also glamourizes interracial relationships statistically most end in divorce even more so than traditional relationships with black men with white women having the worse success rate while conversely black women with white men have some of the best success rates out of all relationships, but I think you can attribute that the intentions and motivations.

    1. Reality..very insightful.. The media push IR images because it affirms their sense of superiority..It fits the message that white is supreme, even they want to be with, lime us. Unfortunately some of us can’t look and see below the surface.
      I know quite a few Black gay couples as friends and acquaintances, they are mostly well educated, intelligent, aware people.. A few weeks ag I went to a friend’s home in Upstate NY, all present were Black Gay lesbian couples..seriously educated, with the ir own homes, well travelled, together.. Fact is there are many.

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