f0xmail: My Family Is Trying To Destroy Me! Help!

FOXMAIL

Good Day, Jamari. Much love to you

I am seeking your input and advice because I am having an issue that involves family.

To start I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my family. Imagine being raised adopted, Muslim, and then coming out gay to your family. But through all of that hardship I am faced with a new issue; making a decision to live on my own terms for me and only me. It has taken me a long time to make this decision because I have always been putting others first and accommodating their needs and running myself dry. I recently moved into my new apartment and I am currently being viewed as selfish from my mother and certain members of my family because I will not allow a sibling to move in. I live in a one bedroom and I wouldn’t mind having my sister move in however she is not responsible with finances and I am not taking a chance with the roof over my head or having someone attempt to live for free. If you knew my family, it’s as if certain people are looking for a ride. I’ve also payed very close attention recently stating how when I use to ask for help nobody would help, not my mom, sister, aunt, cousins, so of course I had to grind. But when others needed me or just wanted something I never hesitated unless I did not have it. Now, I’m saying no to almost everything to protect myself, to assure that my security is set and I’m considered selfish. I have unrealistic dreams and goals but I’m very certain that those same people who consider my goals and dreams unreal will be the first ones to want to reap those benefits. This is hard to write because i am talking about family who are supposed to love you. Instead I feel as if I can never win because of the nonsense and greed. These members can’t call me to see how I am doing but can ask for a birthday gift or anything money related and I’m just like “okay but WTF”. My heart is open and always will be. However I do feel as if that wall to guard me (which I never wanted) is being constructed and honestly I’m going through a much needed change.

Excuse me if this was way to long, I am just going through a emotional and mental struggle that is rooted from resent to family. Now I already recognized this and attempted to rectify these issues by accepting their behaviors and just moving forward with my life but they always find a way to get what they need from me.

What do you think I should do? I have cut them off months at a time and in those months found peace and still missed them. I am feeling that I may need to cut them off longer than a months even years so I am able to fully and presently focus on me without thinking twice about how my family would be affected by my dreams and goals. HELP! Because this is not even the full or half of it.

Love you.

MY ANSWER…

when i was going through it with mi,
and i was debating letting her stay in my crib after all the disrespect,
i had family members blowing up my phone with the:

“how could you let mi stay on the street?
how could you be so heartless?”

…yet,
they wouldn’t even let her stay in their homes.
it wasn’t until i spoke to karaoke and she told me:

“just because they’re family doesn’t mean they act like it.”

karaoke cannot really deal with her mother.
her mother coddles her younger brother who is very irresponsible.
she was harder on karaoke,
and treated her younger brother like a king with all his fuck ups,
which made her move out at a young age and never look back.
from the time i met karaoke,
she has been independent and on her own without the help of family.
she has a cub of her own and had to grow up quick.
karaoke is living a pretty great life and can say she did it on her own.
that’s why when she saw me dealing with mi’s nonsense,
she was quick to tell me get her the fuck out of my space.
my other friends and the foxhole cosigned as well.
my life has been better without it.
my advice reader:

CUT EM OFF

here.
use my scissors:

you live in a one bedroom.
why would you even think of moving someone irresponsible in?
fuck that.
they know they can hurt your feelings and you’ll come around.
what they need to realize is your:

block button is amazing
ignore game is stellar
safe word is “NO”

it’s time to live for you.
family can be worst than strangers on the street.
you can miss them,
but it’s best to love them from afar.
animals drop their young after a certain age to fend for themselves.
whole animal parents will fight their own children in the wild.
you can do it to them.
not fight em,
but keep it moving so you can live stress free.
you’ll learn to survive on your own and make your own way.
your sister will do the same.

i hope this helped!
keep me posted and stay strong.
don’t let them break you down!
you got this!

love you back,
jamari fox

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

7 thoughts on “f0xmail: My Family Is Trying To Destroy Me! Help!

  1. Thank you so very much, Jamari. You’re advice is taken and I look forward to keeping in contact with you. You’re highly appreciated and I wish you continuous success.

  2. Excellent advice J! Family assumes that because we are gay (allegedly) that we have all sorts of free time and money and we are obligated to help. It often seems as if the gays in most black families are the ones who tend to give the most. Maybe we do it so our families (or society) will accept us. But as soon you as walk out of any room you are all types of “fags” and “sissies.” When i cut my family off, the world didn’t end and they got their shit together; my life got so much better. The word “NO” is liberating.

  3. Whatever you do, just be upfront and honest.

    First, tell them you live in a 1-bedroom, which will be tight as hell when you have two people living there.

    Second, tell them that you feel that she is not a responsible individual, and you do not want to risk being thrown out because she can’t cover her expenses. Also you don’t want to be taking care of a freeloader, if she can’t/doesn’t cover her share of things. Nobody, I mean nobody, wants to take care of a grown-ass person, especially if they’re able to work.

    I used to share a house with two cousins, who NEVER had their full share of rent and bills. however, they always had the newest Jordans or clothes. Not to mention their girlfriends stayed over often. So I felt like I was taking care of four grown-ups, and no matter how much I got on them, it went in one ear and out the next. Finally, I sat down with my uncle (who owned the house with my mom) and told him he should sell it. Hed been wanting to sell it for some time, but he thought that he would keep it in the family for a while. One of my cousins was his son. He sold the house, and of course my cousins blamed me, and would talk trash about me to the family. Not being one to hold my tongue, I let everyone know what the deal was. Two can play that game.

    I share that experience to say, you have to look out for yourself first. No one else will do it. Hate to say it, but family will be the first to take advantage. Only because they feel that they are entitled for you to look out for them, and that’s not the case. Follow your gut. It will save you MAJOR headaches. They will be mad for a bit, but they will get over it.

    Stand your ground.

  4. I deal with the same thing, what I’ve come to realize is you can’t be too nice even if they’re family. I don’t think you should straight cut them off, but do what is necessary to take care of your mental health and heal the hurt your feeling. I’m currently to busy for EVERYONE and I get accused of acting funny, but I got to get to a point where I don’t take things personal anymore. No one understands your point of view until it happens to them.

"off topic" and other nonsense gets sent to my spam folder. other than that, play nice and let's discuss!