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This is a Ask Jamari question on PDA.
Some background: I was with a group of friends and associates of about 10 latin, black, multi-racial, in and out of the closet, feminine up to masculine and one of them let’s call him Jay who is dl masculine wolf ask everyone how they felt about pda (public displays of affection) between men such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing. He of course said even if he wanted to he’d never do it in public due to social norms etc. Another said he came from a home with no pda, nobody ever said I love you so he was uncomfortable doing it or somebody doing it to him in public. The answers varied but the one who surprised everybody was _____ who was a drug dealer when he was young, went to prison after killing a guy who gave him a date rape drug then went to college and now holds a phd. True sports addict and no one ever believes he’s into men. I’ve seen women be irate when they try to hit on him and he tells them he’s not interested and he likes men only. Well, he said at 17 he told his mom and family…does not use gay to describe himself but loves a male relationship solely. Well, he has no problem with pda at all in public whether initiating or being the receiving party. I’ve gotten more comfortable with some forms of it but for me it’s a time and place as I feel you have to be present in your environment. You may want to show your love but you have to use common sense as well. Overall, most men of color seem to be uptight about it so I was wondering how you felt about it.
So, if a guy you were involved with wanted to holds hands, hug you, or kiss you in public how would you react?
No limitations…some limitations…not allow it, etc
MY ANSWER…
before i start,
how cool does your circle sound?
i’d like to meet and grow with males like that one day.
sounds wassup.
it’s interesting to hear the various backgrounds from different gays.
some received constant love and affection all the time,
while others didn’t get the love they needed growing up.
it ended up manifesting into different outlets:
– being a real mega asshole where we chase folks away naturally
– thinking every smile means we need to drop our underwear
– being closed off from experiencing any affection because it’s foreign language
i have a theory that’s how “bullies” are formed.
no one who was getting constant examples of love is out here picking on folks.
so when we get into relationships,
we are either “the best they ever had” or a stone wall incapable of anything.
pda is interesting,
because next to the passion of sex,
it shows just how into someone we can be.
to answer your question:
I’m not into the heavy PDA thing
…which is one of the reasons i couldn’t really date someone who is out.
we have different views on relationships.
i love being discreet and living “just enough of private” than others.
like,
i wouldn’t be slobbing my wolf down in public,
but i would do it in the movies or a private beach.
it’s not due to insecurity,
but moreso,
it’s just how i fuckin’ get down.
now that might scheduled to change if i meet a real one.
if he could penetrate my walls hard enough,
i might hold a hand or grab his pipe in secret…
…and i’d let him grab my tail,
but that’s as far as i’d go.
it’s all with folks comfort levels,
which others don’t understand.
some want to let the forests know they’re together,
while others like to be more private in the shadows.
the problem i have is when others pressure you into doing it.
a lot of outs will shame you because you don’t do what they do.
“FUCK YOU”
…should always be your “go to” response for their ignorance.
if pda is your thing,
go right ahead.
if it isn’t then that’s okay too.
don’t feel shame over your limits.
ever.
you might meet someone who makes you very comfortable.
real “love” can often do that.
i hope that answered your question reader!
it was a good one.
This is a very interesting subject to me and even when I dated females I never was one for PDA. Relationships are what you make of them and you should define what you want early on so that when you discover you have similar life goals it is easier to make the transition from being lovers to being partners.
Having been married to my partner for 5 years (we were together for 12 before we made the plunge) he knew I wasn’t in PDA but he is. Of course we do some of the things that normal couples do – we make each other plates and our families accept us but I draw the line at holding hands or kissing in public… just something I have never been into. This is something I get from my dad; he made a statement that has stuck with me since my teens: “Most couples who over-compensate with PDA usually have a lot going on behind closed doors that would make you question the validity of their relationship.” My parents only separated due to the death of my father and I noticed most of the relationships he referred to usually didn’t last more than 7 years tops (all involving family members and friends of mine who were heavy into PDA). My parents were affection in public but not much beyond hand holding and the occasional kiss.
I realize I am probably the exception but all of this is coming from a man that said he would never marry another man until my dad discussed the issue with me many years ago and also opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn’t consider or even think about.
I do have friends who are into PDA but in varying degrees… they understand me and I understand them which is why we all value each other; most of them have been in their relationships between 22 and 35 years (my relationship is the youngest of the bunch).
Love, life and relationships are what you make of them and you can find happiness – it’s just a matter of what makes YOU happy.
One
^love this G H!
everyone needs to read this and let it sink in!!!!!
Everyone is different it all depends on your comfort level with PDA. I’m not really into it for me but it’s something I would let my partner know over time when we really get to know each other. I do like that there are some gay men who have a comfort level where they don’t mind holding hands, kissing, or snuggling in public. I’ve never gotten a show off feel from it. i always get a warm feeling from it.
Would you fix him a plate at a family function? Sit on his lap? Do you plan on having a wedding? Eloping? Does anybody ask these questions but me?
I honestly believe the “I’m not down with the gay scene” people are going to end up lonely. Never met a successful gay black couple anyway. Fem dudes who spent their life trying to be masculine. Pretty boys who were stuck up and now pay their younger selves for sex. And the ‘I’m old school’ who have secret cross-dressing fetishes.
How exactly do you navigate women wanting to dance with your man? How do you MEET a man? The ‘nobody knows I’m gay’ is cute for 20s, but I won’t be 60 singing that same old tune.
I want to grow old with someone. Not grow old making excuses for why I don’t have a girlfriend. I want to bring my man to holiday family gatherings. Family likely won’t be blood, but pepple who know I date men and STILL love me. Preferably with lesbians so nobody tries my man.
But people.
^i think being gay in general is a lonely road.
there are so many other factors to relationships than pda.
what if you meet someone and he starts kicking your ass all over the house,
but in public he is down for being lovey dovey?
how many relationships have i seen with heavy pda,
but in texts,
he is trying to fuck me on the low?
hell,
after the initial sexual escapades,
do you even get to pda?
Gay guys end up lonely in general. The “scene” gays end up lonely just like everyone else. Unless you’re willing to put up with open relationships. Scene gays do the same thing as DL gays, they just hook up with people they meet in public rather than always being restricted to apps. Dudes are the same everywhere, all sex-crazed.
Being single has taught me that men ain’t shit. I’ve hooked up with many guys in the past only to find out that they secretly have boyfriends of their own. And not always to their own admission. Some had boyfriends for over 10 years. And no, most of their boyfriends didn’t know about their secret hookups or Grindr accounts. I even had an “IG popular guy” in a gay couple DM me with dick pics. He’s lucky I ain’t the type to rain on his parade because I could have easily put him on blast. Especially since he wasn’t my type.
Shit there is this architect who I hooked up with last week, he came to London for work & we fucked. He told me that he told his boyfriend about the hookup and they made amends. Mind you, this dude is still messaging me today telling me that he misses me, he even followed me on IG to keep up with me.
Also many gay men in their 50s+ just stay in relationships to say they have someone. Most gay men in their 50s+ who are in relationships seek younger dudes on apps to fuck. And you they pay just like the single gays. I’m open to relationships but marriage is a joke for gay men.
Elton John has an open marriage. Tom Daley was caught texting other dudes etc. Gay men in general just can’t seem to be monogamous. Especially now that apps can get you hookups in just a flick of a switch.
I tend to be private with my intimacy moments with my partner, so no PDA for me. However, you have to do what is comfortable for YOU, not him.
I’m not a fan of PDA from gay or straight couples to be honest.
^110%
Sounds like you have one honest friend and one to watch as a guiding star. Love like you’ve never been hurt before and you are delighted to be who you are, and who you are with. That’s the only way to bring about change in our society–not who sits on the U.S. Supreme Court or in The White House. I wish you loud, obvious, messy, public LOVE. xxoo