i wrote something earlier today.
“mister available”.
i was frustrated with how wolves were treating me.
i was going to let me he(bitch) raise hell.
well instead of it making me bitter,
i wanted to be better.
i was talking to one of the foxholers last night about this same issue.
“how i go from 0 to 1000 with the goal of your head on the floor”.
i was taking a nice warm bath earlier,
compliments of dr bronners “peppermint” liquid soap,
and something else washed over me.
something inside said to close my eyes and imagine this…
i was in a house.
my dream home.
i held my he(bitch) in both of my hands.
it was squirming and snarling.
do i really want to be “that”?
it didn’t look pleasant.
i didn’t understand how i could let this take over me.
it had to go.
in this new season i’m trying,
i don’t want to be “this” anymore.
“this” is making me lose potential friends and alienate people.
everything doesn’t need an argument or “put someone in check”.
you know i loathe stupid animals.
…but like my foxholer said,
sometimes ignoring a muthafucka is more than effective.
see i couldn’t control my inner he(bitch).
i realized i’m not that fox as i once was.
i was hurt by many people before,
being “nice” and “open”,
so my defense mechanism was to be cold and ready for battle.
some people deserved it,
but i was also doing it to the wrong people.
my past with people is the culprit.
i was still holding onto resentment towards people that have hurt me.
i was using them as the example to others in my future.
i noticed when work wolf did something i didn’t like,
i was ready to cut him out of my life.
no fucks to give.
bye.
i didn’t want to be hurt by him like others have.
to look like i was stupid and have the “i told you so” speech.
bad enough he has done so much for me.
he isn’t perfect,
but neither am i.
neither are a lot of other people.
i am ready to cut people out for the smallest things.
i need more patience.
funny enough i played liar liar perfectly without using it.
so i had to lock it back up in the attic.
as i imagined myself walking up to the door of my attic,
i said “goodbye” to what was holding me back.
this angry spirit that was manifesting under me
the person i didn’t like i was becoming.
it was getting bad.
if i continued to do this,
i know i would end up being alone.
i don’t want to be alone.
so once i put my (he)bitch back,
i felt this “peace”.
things won’t be perfect,
but its a start.
plus he(bitch) and phoenix fur don’t go well together.
so i urge everyone to examine why they do the things they do.
you don’t have to be angry anymore.
its okay.
the people who hurt you are gone.
if they are still there,
you need to let them go.
don’t let some asshole make you this nasty person.
it’s time for a fresh start for all of us.
It’s amazing that you can pull back from the ledge and not fall into a negative chasm. Good luck on your journey.
P.S. And I’m trying that peppermint bath!
^it is amazing!
a warm bath and a peppermint bath.
sit in it for an hour.
once you get out,
you feel so good and so clean.
I’m glad you posted this J. I was getting concerned that you’re taking other people’s actions too personally. Sometimes the reason people are the way they are has absolutely nothing to do with you. Sometimes people don’t make YOU a priority in their life, because they’re working on making themselves a priority first. While this might seem selfish, understand that you aren’t the only one out there struggling…some folks may look good on the outside, but on the inside they’re suffering.
We can’t take everything personally. Sometimes we have to give people the space they need. As long as they aren’t physically harming you, or others, I say let them be.
You too need to spend time catering to your OWN needs and desires. It’s good to have characteristics of selflessness… but you come first.
I’m probably one of the people that gave this impression. Personally it wasn’t my intentions, but I apologize if it seemed that way.
I wasn’t fully explaining, my choice of words is horrible too. I would never hope you go from 0-100 and cut people out forever, especially not work wolf. You regret things like that.
I was trying to be positive and encouraging. It seems like you’re bottling up so much, but that may be a bad assumption. I think it would be a huge relief for you to let it out, so I encourage that. Before it builds to 100 and explode. 😯❤
Yes, I love this!! Sometimes you have to be Beyonce to the Bullshit and not go from 0 to Solange.
Jamari as your doctor I am going to prescribe you anal beads, dildo and a small butt plug. They going to release anxiety, anger, depression etc. Take them every night for one o two week to see how you react to them, okay? If you have any problems please call me
Jamari, this path you’re going down sounds promising and is also motivating! I also admire how after that last post you were able to take time out and really put your feelings into perspective to figure out what it is you have to do. Sometimes all we need is a little time away from our problems in order to come back and tackle them.
BTW- I love the Phoenix idea man! The entire meaning is an awesome representation of starting anew.👏🏾🙌🏾👍🏾
Sometimes the best response is no response. This is usually my philosophy, because it is rarely worth the investment of an argument. VERY rare. So if people start being beligerent or stupid, I either ignore or walk away. Literally can’t be bothered.
I don’t argue with someone unless there’s a purpose to it. Other than that, I just say “Think what you want to think, it makes no difference to me” and I just leave it alone.
My grandmother used to tell me. “Just because people are provoking you, doesn’t mean you have to fight back. They can call you a chicken all they like, but so what? If you know who YOU are, then the declarations of others have no value.”
Everyone wants to prove themselves by being a badass these days, but the best way to come out on top is to be smart and keep doing you. I still let people know I’m not about the bs, but I’m not going to carry on about it either.
The (he)bitch has his uses, when you know how and when to use it, but calm, cool, and collected is the way to go.
^it takes too much energy to be mad.
i’m learning that.
being bitter and nasty takes up even more.
i’m not saying i’m going soft.
i’m just saying i refuse to go there and ima stop going so hard on my emotions.
Agreed. It really is not worth the investment of energy. I only put that energy into something that I’m passionate about, not “fuckshit” lol.
Again, I’m really liking where your mind is going. The challenge is maintaining it! You can do it though! I believe in you! 🙂
^thanks d.
i really want to turn my life around.
i’m absolutely tired.
Bueno
^slowly but surely,
i’m climbing up this new mountain tony.
I sense positive outcomes from all of this