15 thoughts on “does masc or fem, if you give up the cheeks or not, really matter in this gay life?”

1. So….. i dont personally fit into any group which is fine but it often leaves me in purgatory in the community. I like to do menly things but i do have my feminine moments. Lol with that being said., it not that i dnt find some feminine guys attractive however im attracted to masculinity. Although in the catcher in most situations, i cant be with a feminen top or a transwomen. Nothing against it its just not my cup of tea. I want someone i can play ball with then freak in the locker room right after.

2. Shout out to this thread right here. A couple of these posters in here need to come together and write a gay guide book for Black men, so much knowledge being spewed, I can honestly say these different perspectives made me think about a lot of the mistakes I have made in my own life. I love the foxhole

3. People need to stop shaming people that don’t fit their ideal type, he isn’t your excact type? Fine, find someone who is because they won’t change for you and they shouldn’t either. The same way you don’t have to change your standards. I think that is the issue people shame others for not matching up to their standards and others shame those who have very hard to reach standards. We all need to stay out of eachothers business a little more but I understand that is hard since we are social animals.

   1. ^gays,
      of all communities,
      shouldn’t be shaming anyone tbh.

4. Deep question but I’m from the south and now live in New York. I always idolized New York artists. Camron & Diplomats, Ja Rule, etc. so I miss the days even gay men had that rough edge to them. Homo thugs was a popular thing in porn when I was a teenager. Thug boy etc (also condoms were worn, but I digress)
   When I got to New York permanently it was a different era obviously than when I grew up watching it. Now everyone is a lot softer which is fine but a lot of soft men want a harder man. No one wants to actually play the male role. Now men have their hand out for money sexual exchanges like a woman would do. They don’t know their role as a man is to take care of themselves. That’s the only issue I have with femininity . Because when they say “no gender roles “ they want to circulate between male and female at their leisure . They want to say “men aren’t meant to be monogamous” but then want a man to pay they bills like a bitch . They want to top but scratch the bottoms backs all up wit their long ass fingernails

5. Excellent post but I’ll just say that the Black gay and lesbian couples I know who are together and longterm in love are real to each other and far less concerned about what others think, even when it comes to family members, etc. They care what each other thinks. They aren’t looking for Mr. Right (on some absolute scale, etc.) but Mr. Right For Me. Masc, femme, fluid, what have you, if they click, they click, and no one should be ashamed of who they are and who loves them for who they are. They usually aren’t the ones putting their lives on constant display, though some do, and they aren’t the glamorous ones you’d see on TV, but they’re living their lives for real, based on the expectations they set for each other, and while it doesn’t always work out, the real ones know that all the labels in world matter far less than being your authentic self, not listening to whatever passes on the wind on any given day, not fronting when it comes down to it, and really understanding or learning to understand what love, commitment, trust, and joy in the other person really mean. In a real relationship, two men will work things out when it comes to sex roles, etc., or they’ll come to some agreement, but it usually isn’t the rigid my-way-or-the-highway scenario you see online. The rigid people are the ones who often complain about not finding anyone or not keeping the “one” they find.

6. It doesn’t matter but gays make it matter holding onto every last shred of masculinity taken from them whenever they were bullied, heard a homophobic joke or saw someone gay being ridiculed/bullied, etc.

   I was reading about how Ted Danson did Blackface to roast Whoopi Goldberg and how every Black person in the room was not amused and uncomfortable.

   Even the most masculine gay men feels some kind of way when he sees a flamboyant gay being disrespected. Then it goes to: If he wasn’t so fem, they wouldn’t bother him and then he joins in, hating the flamboyant gay.

   A man could pipe you so good you see stars and new galaxies, but once you find out someone piped him before, now you’re turned off. You don’t want him to like the same thing you do.

   This is my problem: If you are a strict (position) and you meet a verse and he only wants to do the thing you don’t do, what is the problem? The problem is you making one. You want a man who is MORE masculine than you topping you. Him getting topped puts him on the same level as masc as you.

   Even if he has feminine ways and mannerisms, if his voice gets deep and he throws you on the bed, you’re not with it, because you remember how he laughed and giggled in public. You want this men to impregnate you with masculinity. A fem man can’t do that. He has no masculinity to put inside you.

   So at this point, gay men are chasing someone with an infinite masculine stick to keep pumping masculinity in them to make up for all of the times that it was chipped away.

   The gag is many of the men you all crush on HAVE feminine ways! Odell Beckham comes to mind. The gays say he is a bottom, but if he tried to bend MANY gays over they wouldn’t say a thing, because his celebrity makes the fem acceptable. Prince was a ladies’ man because he was a celebrity. The Prince in the hood isn’t anyone special, so his fem is gross. The mental gymnastics of what level of fem we will accept is why men don’t come out. It must be exhausting and I don’t partake. As long as he looks like a man and has male anatomy, I’m with it.

   I guarantee if you asked the ages of commenters, the ones who are “no fem topping me” are younger than 50. When you get up in age, suddenly that mess doesn’t matter. You just want someone to come home to. I’m glad I am realizing this before I reach my 30s. Don’t want to be a bitter 80 year old calling everyone a bottom to make up for all of the times I felt emasculated.

   What it comes down to, is gays want a man they can bring around their family and friends who isn’t embarassing. Even if they don’t want to introduce him, if they had friends/family run into them when they were with their man, they want that: Does he have a brother? reaction. They don’t want them to ask if they were Ru Paul’s Drag Race contestant.

   Heck, Andre from P Valley, anybody from where I live would call him gay. But the gay one was Lil Murda. It depends on the definition of masculine of the people around you.

   1. What a perspective! I agree 100%.

   2. Fem and extra aren’t the same things. A fem guy doesn’t equal embarrassment. Most ppl who are attracted to men, and attracted to masculinity, are so because it’s an inherent trait associated with most men. Ppl have to deal w the fact that they won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. For every masc guy into masc guys, there’s a masc guy who is only into guys softer than him.

7. Great post.

   I would often find myself telling a guy that I’ve dated “WE ARE BOTH MEN”. Being the more masculine one in the relationship, I’d tend to be given the more “manly” roles of the relationship such as being the handy man, sleeping on a certain side of the bed, etc lol. I’ve always respected guys who were more in touched w/ their fem side and who bottomed because not all can carry that.

   I guess I’m just that pink unicorn when it comes to viewing everyone as the same, and giving them the same sort of respect regardless of what they prefer in the bedroom. I may not be right for you, but i am right for somebody… It just drives me when I hear guys who identify as bottoms or more fem try to discredit other gay men by the things they take interest in. I once heard a guy talking about how he can’t date a guy that does this and that because he likes his man to act like a man lol I thought it was funny because all I could think about was: if you have all of these silly hang ups about this and that – why do you think someone else finds you attractive when you display the same behaviors of those you don’t like?

   1. ^that is a very deep question you posed at the end dev.
      great comment!

8. It doesn’t matter when ppl are being their authentic selves. If I had a nickel for every young gay man I knew who THOUGHT he was SUPPOSED to be and do certain things because he was gay, who is now an average, chill 30/40 something, who happens to be gay…

   Like I said in that post, every other minority group is constantly yelling ‘we aren’t a monolith’, while guys are assumed and expected to be, by not only heteros, but even by the gays themselves.

   Regarding being ‘like the straights’, it’s a false equivalency. How many gay men do you hear acting like they don’t like anything about dicks, because they think it makes them look more like men/less gay?! If all you wana do is eat/bang ass and get head, then you can save yourself a lot of trouble and go get one of the several single women all over any city, USA, and go enjoy.

   To each his own, but while ppl love to throw around the term ‘toxic’, anytime masculinity is mentioned (except when it pertains to the person climbing their backs at the moment…), ppl gloss over how this illogical attempt to mimic heterosexual gender roles, w 2 ppl of the same gender, plays a big part in why gay men have such a hard time finding and maintaining functional relationships. Whether ur playing make believe in NY or Tokyo, ur still playing make believe.

   And to be clear, masc/fem labels don’t have to have anything to do w sexual likes/’roles’. Many men that like trans women are bottoming for them. The same ones who’d say ‘that’s still a man’, are ok getting dug out as long as it’s by a feminine presence, because, once again, the fragile male ego is up against the arbitrary need to emulate hetero gender roles.

   1. ^this is very deep.

      i liked the part of being your authentic self.
      it’s a disservice to everyone when someone doesn’t know who they are.
      they bring that into relationships and it ends up being a mess.

9. It shouldn’t matter but sadly it does.

   I think it comes from mysogyny and how people see women are weak and less than, therefore everything feminine.

   Being a bottom is being “the woman” of the relationship so it’s being weak. worst being a fem bottom, yu are somehow the reason for all the hate crime. It`s your fault people are homophobic because you’re a cliché.

   Same way a girl who dates a lot would be called a slut a bottom who dates whould be call a wall-less hoe. but yet a man/top who does the same is praised.

   I think fter all that fem got mad mad at masc because they think the masc are trying to pass or at least distance themselves from being “too gay” “the stereotype”. So even if you’re masc just because that’s how you really are, they will say you suffer from internalised homophobia.

   Anyway, people care about the wrong things, they always have they always will.

   Just do you and be happy.

   1. ^110%

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