Check Box: “It’s Really Complicated”

tumblr_lu21dbIzvk1qei3e4o1_1280so last night,
karaoke and i had “the talk”.
dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn….
i’ve been in florida for the last couple of weeks an its been great.
i feel rested,
and ready to make moves for 2014.
doing that exactly?

if someone was to ask me right now:

“well what do you want to do?”

i would answer:

“i would like to live off my website.
i want it to grow like a necole bitchie or a better perez hilton.
since I’m good at spotting good looking wolves/foxes/and hybrids,
id like to work with a company in finding these wolves jobs within modeling or acting.
helping them learn how to dress,
carry themselves,
handling their pr,
and even offering crisis management.
i would like to write books as well.
I’ve already started creating a book idea i would like to turn into a series.
i’d also like to indulge in my love for style and doing something with that.”

i have so many ideas for my ijf brand,
but i don’t have the networks to help launch that idea.
why the shit gotta be so complicated fo’?

shrugso last night,
karaoke asked me what do i want to do.
stay here or go back to new york?
bad enough everyone who speaks me to notices a change in my attitude.
im actually having people pushing for me to stay here.
karaoke even said that she hated that i sounded so depressed back in new york.
sometimes it would pain her to speak to me,
but she has noticed a huge change within my attitude since being here.

thing is,
i want to go back to new york,
but what am i going back to?
i’m alone out there.
i know people,
but then i don’t know them.
people out there are also real competitive so you can’t really meet real friends.
they think you trying to step on their toes or take their shine.
like, there is enough room for everyone to eat.
people should also know me by now that i promote EVERYONE.
i am a very selfless person and if you don’t know that,
then you don’t know me.
cue: almost everyone i know in new york.
then everyone gonna tell me:

“well you coulda asked me for help.”

with the shadiness in how you are acting?
you ain’t low.
i see it.
i’ll pass but thanks tho.

ku-xlargei also have a “supposed” job possibility out there.
notice the quotations on that supposed.
i sent my resume out to a temp agency out here today,
spoke to a excited snow bunny who wanted to help me.
like she said: am i in the “honeymoon” phase of florida?
living here vs visiting is two different things.

so i woke up today feeling kinda… trapped.
i wish i woulda won the lottery last night.
that would have solved all these issues.
why can’t everything here be back home?
its almost like i don’t care where i live,
but i just want to be happy,
living my best self
working within my career,
and surrounded by people who care about me.
new york: more opportunities but less warmth.
florida: more warmth but less opportunities.
i don’t know what to do.

10 thoughts on “Check Box: “It’s Really Complicated”

  1. Think of the energy between those two places. I’m sure you know surrounding yourself in a positive place will naturally attract possibilities As a southerner I always picture New York as gray dull meek and full of haters. There may be a lot of opportunities but look at how many actors singers dancers etc move to NY for the opportunities and never make it spending their whole lives chasing something. You said it yourself you are a selfless person so I’m guessing youre very hospitable as well. You say you wanna get attractive people modeling jobs and the southern region has a host if cities(Charlotte is the 2nd biggest banking city behind NY..BoA. Dallas Miami Houston NOLA Memphis) that you can start your own network of pr agencies in. Think long and hard and dont feel like you owe something to yourself by staying home. Sometimes home is nothing but trouble and needs to be left in the past for brighter pastures.

  2. It seems like there is something about New York that is just pulling you back. I’m sure it can be hard leaving a life and culture that you are used to. Living in North Carolina can be a little boring sometimes but at the end of the day, home is home and I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Sometimes we all just need a mental rest so that we can go back and face things with a new outlook. I think this is what Florida has been for you. At the end of the day, follow your instincts. If you give NY another go and its still not working for you, you can always decide later to move.

  3. So speaking from one New Yorker to the other. I am from the Bronx and moved to Maine a long time ago. Let just say vacation is completely different from actually living there. You are in a vacation mode right now. Remember you are NY breed and relaxing/peaceful wateva has a limit with us because we are used to moving a lot and having action wherever we go. FL sound like Maine, except the weather part, and you gotta sit down and really think about it because I don’t want you to make the same mistake like I did when I move to Maine and now I am trying to go back to NY because I need the opportunities to start my life.

      lindo you hit the nail on the head.
      leaving new york is home and is also leaving behind the “what if”.
      so im lonely and its a really cold place to live,
      its also bursting with possibilities.
      i like to keep optimistic that it will happen,
      but do i need to be a realist?
      again its a lot,
      but im itching towards going back.

      1. “id like to work with a company in finding these wolves jobs within modeling or acting.”
        I think you know what place you find this kind of job and it a place you already live in. I feel like NY can be crazy and mad sometime, but there are a lot of things it have to offer including friendship you just need to know where to find them.

  4. I loved those plans you laid out up there, and you would be great at helping those guys out. You should stay where you are happy. Well whatever you decide, I just hope it is the best decision.

  5. Wow sounds like you don’t want to just forget about NY because of all the time and energy you spend there. Plus there’s the if things get better up there, there no better place be.(when new York is god it’s really good). At the same time it seems like Florida has been great for your mind, body, and soul. It’s sunny and the people are nice but you’ve only been there as a visitor so it could just be the honeymoon phase. Your friend karaoke has been there for you better than the NY peeps have which I’m sure helps the fla case. Did you ever make the pros and cons list someone mentioned before?

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