I couldn’t help but wonder,
has our value as humans become tied with our ability to perform?

picture this…

i didn’t sleep well last night.
my night involved the most intense nightmares.
i can’t even font you what they were about but i felt fear.
there were times i kept waking up out of my sleep.
that wasn’t the part tho.
so rewind back to earlier last night…

“The worst they can do is tell you no.” – Karaoke said to me the other day

the word “no” is scary.
we think we are good enough and end up getting rejected.
we end up being scorned and don’t want to try for anything anymore.
karaoke and i were talking about approaching things boldly and asking for what we want.
i use to be so scared of rejection because of my past trauma due to rejection.
it all came from a fear of being judged and wanting to control things tbh.
so i’d wait for someone to say “yes” while wasting my time deciphering signs and games.
i’ve learned the hard way that:

“Mixed signals or hesitation means no.”

i was watching something with law roach the other day.
he is the vision behind many of zenadaya’s looks.
law is dope and i fux with him so far.
during this podcast discussion with “the cutting room floor”,
he spoke about all the big brands who told him “no” for zendaya to wear their clothes.
this is what he said that gave me my oprah “a-ha” moment…

last week,
i found myself in the midst of a breakup,
feeling utterly disappointed again.
i won’t hold you:

Mandisa’s passing hit me like a ton of bricks,
stirring up a whirlwind of emotions and doubts.

how could someone so loyal…

i’m going to font something that is probably going to get me highly judged.
at this point,
judge if you must but…

for the last couple of days,
i decided to take a sabbatical.
it was a time when a fox has to hibernate to recharge his inner batteries.
i spent it catching up on sleep,
eating greasy food,
jackin’ off,
and watching one of my comfort shows,
sex and the city.
sex and the city was part of my gay awakening as a young fox.
i related with carrie because i was dealing with my own “mr. big” too.
the first wolf who slyly showed me his interest within his uncertain curiosity.
a wolf that if he hit me up today,
i’d drop what i was doing to go another round of uncertain curiosity again.
i’m up to the second season and i realized something…