i can understand why a lot of people are hesitant about therapy.
they make you unpack all the bags you have been carrying with you for years.
my new therapist has had me in a royal funk this last week and a half.
she is pretty intense.
i’ve felt intense sadness,
suicidal thoughts,
acceptance,
and indifference all in one neat package.
it all started with us talking about an incident i was having the week before last.
she decided to dig deeper in a bag that i’ve kept locked tightly.
well…

She uprooted my scalp and I’m still trying to find a way to glue it back.

it has left me feeling so fuckin’ emo.
i haven’t really spoken to anyone in a while tbh.
i’ve had a few conversations here and there,
but my phone has been on DND until further notice.
you think i’m playing?
this is my legit phone settings:

i’ve found solace in playing a few video games at times.

Oh!

she has me writing in a private journal twice a day.
it’s been a real “come to Jesus Jamari” moment for me.
i’ve learned:

I’m absolutely fucked up.

i’ve been carrying around trauma and haven’t closed situations for years.
i’m the “bag lady” that erykah badu sung about on “mama’s gun”.

OMG,
I’m Bag Man.

we don’t realize that we can be all be bag people.
we are starting new in situations,
but carrying around the baggage from situations that ended years ago.
decades,
even.

That friendship that really hurt you when it ended?
Small bag to your left.
That rape you haven’t healed from.
That big duffle bag to your right.
You not accepting you’re attracted to the same sex?
The big ass suitcase in front of you.

when we start aging,
those bags start getting heavier and heavier.
you can’t fuck the bags away.
you can’t hop from relationship to relationship in hopes of leaving them with someone else.
those bags stay with your ass until you unpack them.
we soon realize that they start bringing about pains within our bodies.
those pains actually stopped us from getting on the bus to better situations.

“Bag Ladyyyyyyy…
You gon’ miss your bus.
You can’t hurry upppp cause you got too much stuff…”

i’ve always loved that song and it ironically was talking about me.

lowkey: even your smallest bag can hold the most trauma in it.