often times,
we hear about the term “daddy issues” being applied to vixens.
you’ll hear that a vixen sleeps because she is seeking validation due to her absent father.
often times,
she is drawn to emotionally unavailable males that are prone to abandoning her.
males usually have the stigma of having “mommy issues“,
but i’m starting to realize that males can suffer from both…
males who suffer from mommy issues tend to be supreme mamas boys.
their mama spoiled them so they look for the same thing within his relationships.
they will compare every vixen he dates to their mama.
for males who deal from daddy issues,
it is often constantly seeking validation or approval in other males.
this could mean always trying to fit in.
since many gay males grew up without fathers,
it can be the same story like how the vixens do.
Sleeping around for validation and/or being attracted to the emotionally unavailable.
even if the father was in the home,
if he was distant and stern,
they’ll pretty much seek out trying to win his approval.
for straights and gays,
it’s doing everything in your power to win his affection.
nothing you do is ever good enough,
so they’ll work extra hard in school and work to not face his disappointment.
it’s kinda like chris mckay in “euphoria“:
i find that a lot of dl males with daddy issues are usually the most abusive.
they tend to be ashamed of who they are since they’re father wouldn’t approve.
they always gravitate towards the straights,
but sneak around with the gays.
the only time they turn affection “on” to gay males is when they want sex.
they’ll sleep around and/or be very abusive to both males and females.
other than that,
they might come off like their fathers in public.
distant and stern.
this is not an uncommon thing.
many straight males are running around out here with daddy issues.
the sad part is:
They gonna pass it on to their kids and keep generational curses going.
as gay and bi males,
we often times didn’t have the luxury of having a loving childhood.
we tend to aimlessly sleep around and equate that as the basis of who we are.
you can do your research on daddy (and even mommy) issues.
there are so many ways that a male can have daddy issues.
it might help you answer why you do the things,
and even treat others,
the way that you do.
lowkey: i def have daddy issues.
i can be honest enough to admit that.
Men are the worst with daddy issues. This is strangely a conversation men do not want to have for some reason. This may make sense to the concept of them doing everything to impress their bros because they want male approval.
^ 110%
who don’t have some type of issue. try going through a adoption and don’t know the real truth about why your parents put you and brother and sister up for adoption. Some of the things that some of you complain about is something I wish was my story.
at the end of the day we all have a cross to bare.
The grass isn’t greener on the other side. Better to be alone, loving neices and nephews, friends, taking care of parents than to be booed up on social media while he flirts with followers in his DMs. What is yours nobody can take.
I think the real problem is we don’t want to admit love isn’t for everyone. What if the person that would be right for you doesn’t live in your town? Or they’re already taken? We see true love as the end all be all, but it’s not promised. Love can wither and end. I think we need to ask ourselves: Would I be okay living this life, if I never got a romantic happy ending? If not, we need to find out what void we’re trying to fill with that. Sex isn’t hard to get. You can even pay for it. But love is like finding a diamond.
I totally agree. I enjoy being bye myself. It gives me time to get to know myself and work on myself.
Jamari, you have the best commenters in the Foxhole. This discussion is going deep and we’re being honest. This will be VERY cathartic for lurkers and others doing self-analysis during quarantine.
^it certainly has!
i had a huge urge in my spirit to write this.
it was definitely needed because someone(s) needed to read it.
I grew up in an adopted family with no father. I considered myself pretty self assure and put together. The last thing I thought I would have was daddy issues. I grew up and was successful with school and career. Sure I was disappointed when activities at school and church called for father/son stuff but I survived. In my early twenties I found my birth mom and not long after that my birth father.
For some reason he had some kind of control of me. It may have been the deep voice, or his acting career but I hung on every word that came out his mouth. It took me a long time to realize he wasn’t shit. He was a deadbeat to the other kid he claimed and had the nerve to complain to me about paying child support. He NEVER would acknowledge me or my birthday even though me and my sibling were born a day apart. Shit got weird real fast. He would take me to industry parties and if I met any chicks at the parties I would find him going behind my back trying to talk to them. He even tried to set me up to get caught with his girlfriend. He was staying at a hotel I was managing and said they couldn’t get the heat to work. Of course I come right up to the suite and she is there in a towel which of course drops. I think the wake up call came when he asked me for my credit card number for something silly. It was time to set boundaries.
I had to relearn him and who he was. He was the one with the daddy issues it turns out as he was abandoned by his father and only met him once in life and as a result he was a bad parent and shitty husband. He was very self centered and doesn’t have the skills to be at all empathetic. He seems jealous of his peers and can’t keep the same group of people around him from year to year. That’s a huge red flag. When people don’t have at least one or two lifelong friends that’s a sign. He was always comparing himself to every other male in his life, including unfortunately myself. I had to put some distance in that relationship and realize whatever I was looking for or missing was never going to come from him. It actually was some level of freedom to not put expectations on him. Then and only then did I start to appreciate him for just being him.
Yes, people expect fathers to be superheroes. They can’t if they weren’t raised right. Many are too weak to break the cycle. So you are stronger, by accepting the truth.
I think it has. Looking back if I got a whiff a dude was gonna dip, I would react with so much suddenly and manipulate him into staying by saying his loyalty wasn’t strong enough to thug it out with me. Fucked up but I was doing it. I don’t do it anymore and know if I have to manipulate situations it’s not for me.
This was brave to admit. Just be yourself. If you have to do all of that and make someone feel pity then they’ll only resent you more and it POISONS the relationship. We have to learn to let people go. That “if they come back..”BYE! Get into a relationship with yourself to where someone new sees how content you are and wants to get on the roller coaster with you. If he is the rollercoaster for you, then when he leaves, you’re stuck. Never leave your happiness up to somebody with a penis.
I remember seeing my father once as a little kid. I didn’t know who the hell he was but I know my mom was trying to get him to acknowledge me in the back seat and he didn’t. Just got out the car and left. Now it hits different, like how can you do that to your own damn child? I probably do have daddy issues but it’s clouded by the issues I’m currently working on with my Mom. I’ve been putting in HELLA emotional labor in.
^omg that is horrible!
i’m so sorry that happened to you kam.
do you think that created abandonment (or the fear of abandonment) issues within you?
it’s so interesting how these things play out and effect our future development as adults.
i think i’ve chase emotionally unavailable males due to my daddy issues and it made me feel worthless and invisible.
i think i was happier when i wasn’t even looking for males because i didn’t accept that side of me yet.
As a West Indian born cis gendered male, I too suffer from daddy issues. I’ve known this for many years, starting from my childhood. I craved my father’s attention and validation. He too was an athlete and was heavily into fitness, which I too am ironically strongly attracted to men who are in that field. Growing up my family was not blatantly homophobic but they would say disparaging things here and there, which in-turn had an affect on my socialization and romantic endeavors. Thankfully today, through therapy and education and support of friends I am in a much better place emotionally. I am happily married to a wonderful man who teaches me daily. Moreover, Daddy Issues are real as day and has lasting impressions on many, many of us. As it is common practice to not express our emotions in black communities, I strongly believe it one of the hurdles we must get over to become better grounded adults.
^athletic west indian fathers seems to be a trend within many of us.
often times,
i wonder if that’s why i’m so attracted to males who play sports?
this would explain it.
it’s a thing that we weren’t keen to, but now we have the lens to see and assess ourselves.
^whew.
this pandemic has been an eye opener for those who were interested in going inside.
Mr Foxx, I’m a reader of your site and I normally don’t comment but I can def admit and own that I have daddy issues too. Growing up, my mom and sister would make very homophobic comments about gay people and would be very toxic. A very hyper-masculine way of begin for a man. I on the other hand was fem, flamboyant and into the arts. From the men my mom brought around my sister and I to the men that I’ve dated were either emotionally not present or I would try to buy their affections. I am working on this in therapy and it’s not easy but it has to be done. I’m so glad you brought this up.
From the men my mom brought around my sister and I to the men that I’ve dated were either emotionally not present or I would try to buy their affections.
This! It’s not only white men who are Generou$. Look at OnlyFans.
Masculine strict bottoms are men with unresolved daddy issues. Wanting acceptance from the very man who was disgusted by their homosexuality and wanting to get his attention, but also be dominated by him. It’s like sexual Stockholm Syndrome.
@Cornelius C: Wow, that was tough to read at 823am, lol, but unvarnished truth can be tough to digest.
@Jamari: I don’t think of myself as “masculine” (others have said I am, although I feel otherwise) but I am a strict bottom that only attracts masculine, emotionally unavailable men. Some have been verbally and emotionally abusive, others just not willing or able to give me what I needed. I always felt my father was disappointed in me as a child because I gravitated toward “girl” things and even had feminine/soft male friends. Never told me he loved me until I was in my 30’s (and he almost on his deathbed). By that time I had developed such a block I told myself it was “too late” for him to redeem himself. Never did I connect my repeated attraction to emotionally unavailable men to “daddy issues” until I recently started to wonder why I can’t seem to attract a different type of guy. This has been heavy on my mind as friends get married and I watch shows like “Black Love” (LOL). I am thinking seriously about getting back into therapy because of this as it is such a personal barrier…
^very powerful steve.
you are many of us.
i related with everything you said.
thankfully,
you didn’t run out there and got with some vixen and had kids to prove you’d be a “better father”.
that hasn’t worked for anyone with daddy issues.
i’m glad you considering therapy again.
my therapy journey has helped me recognize many things that are wrong with me.
WOW, I don’t know about that one. It’s actually sounds like a form of projection. I am a strict bottom but I don’t have such issues. I go to a therapist because I tired of to being around gay and bi black males who are unable to deal with their own emotional difficulties, insecurities, and self-deficiencies. That’s why I avoid toxic and emotionally damaged people. I grew up in a two parent overprotective household. I’m easily annoyed with the lack of mental health treatment amongst so many black males who flaunt and galvanizing on social media but as empty as Lay’s bag on the inside…
Many of us are not ready to have this conversation. I was lucky enough to grow up with both my parents, my father was an athlete growing up while I was a nerd who never played sports. Although I know he was proud of my academic accomplishments, I always felt deep down he was disappointed that I didnt gravitate toward sports, ironically later on in life he was glad I didn’t play his sport of football when he started seeing the damage it did to many who played years earlier in their older age especially some of the NFL players. Another irony is now that I am older I have gotten into bodybuilding and now many people looking at me automatically assumed I was a football player. I know a part of me embraces masculinity heavy because of my father. I can admit I am still uncomfortable in public settings around flamboyant gay men. The very few gay men I saw growing up were stereotypical acting gays and people would be cordial in their faces but vilify them when they walked away. This had a profound effect on me as I lived many years afraid of embarrassing my family not wanting them to be subjected to gossip and jokes because of my lifestyle and I have never been flamboyant or out there, always been quiet and low key but I was still afraid. I wish I was more aware about a lot of things earlier in life. I have been unpacking a lot of these negative behaviors and my feelings through therapy and self help reading, I am a constant work in progress as we all are but I can say it has taken me many years to get comfortable in my gay skin for fear of disappointing my Father, but I know many Str8 Black men who have other crazy issues because of their fathers, so no matter gay or Str8 we probably all have some type of Daddy Issues!
^THIS IS WHY I WROTE THIS TODAY!!!
thank you for unpacking.
my father was an athlete as well and i know he was disappointed i didn’t latch on to sports.
he was a west indian father who never showed me love.
i think that’s why i get attracted to the emotionally unavailable.
he never told me he loved me so i guess i seek that approval from other males,
friendships included.
i feel like a lot of the males that were attracted to me had daddy issues as well.
maybe i was a mirror that reflected something back to them?
thank you tajan for your comment.
i hope more are willing to share because it might crack open codes we didn’t know existed.
J, I hope many will open up and this get as many replies as breaking juicy gossip or a nude leak LoL. I doubt it, but I understand, I was even hesitant about discussing this and I think I was pretty general in my assessment but these Daddy issues can run deep and again many of us are not ready to face this head on, but I sincerely hope the Foxhole will engage. I learn so much in these discussions.
^i saw gay males get vilified as well,
including my own parents.
the words were called “crazy” or “child molesters”.
folks that were cross dressing were the ones called insane.
it was a mess and as a child,
struggling with my own sexuality,
it didn’t help.
whew.
Amen. Just because your father is THERE, doesn’t mean he is present. Emotionally distant makes it feel the space between you is farther than here to the sun.
What a naked post, Tajan. WOW! I would hug you if I could. I’ve always enjoyed your font.
I’ve said before that it’s imperative for Black gay men to seek healing through therapy from their trauma(s). Therapy works, and it’s more accessible today than it’s ever been. There are tens of thousands of Black gay men who’ll be capable of maintaining healthy relationships (romantic/platonic) when they heal themselves of trauma through psychotherapy.
FWIW Walter Lee Hampton II is the prime example of a Black gay man with untreated mental illness.
It’s highly unnecessary in this day and age to end up like him.