Spill My Guts All Over You

,you ever watch a movie saw exactly when things changed?
the protagonist became the hero or when the antagonist fucked up?
well i think about that sometimes when it comes to life.
my life.
others if i’m paying attention.
the part when things either began or came to an end.
that was me the other night.
the night of the oscars

now in a perfect world,
i would have been at the oscars.
i may have been sitting in audience.
i would actually have liked to been working it.
jamari fox would have been in the building.
instead,
i was laid out on my bathroom floor.
after vomiting for 5 minutes straight,
i had to climb up on the toilet to release it from the back.
it was bad.
crime scene,
almost.
my stomach was burning every time i threw up.
after that was all done,
i was cold af.
even wearing a sweater and hoody,
i was still freezing.

was i dying?

i know,
i can dramatic af,
but i did ask myself that question.
i spent the rest of the night releasing from both ends and praying for an end.
my health insurance stopped that saturday so i was hesitant to call 911.

doomed

my bawdy ended up giving me a break.
i laid on my couch and eventually fell asleep.
when i woke up,
because i couldn’t not update the foxhole,
i had a lot on my mind.
when you’re sick,
and alone,
it puts things into perspective.
my unemployment hasn’t started yet,
so i’m in between blessings af,
and that added onto how low i been feeling.
i felt lonely.
i don’t have rich friends to send help.
it’s just me.
when i had to find the energy to cook rice,
i felt that loneliness.
i’m tapped to go to the store,
but i’m slowly running out of food.
i gotta put another charge on my credit card as i wait for money.
karaoke and the pretty vixen did blow up my phone,
but i left it in my room while i was passed out on the couch.
usually i’m okay being by myself,
but that night made me particularly sad.

this isn’t a “i need a wolf” entry.
it goes much deeper than that.
i realize i’m not selfish enough with my own needs.
i’m always worried about the next,
but only two checked in when i didn’t respond yesterday.
two noticed i was missing.
i also don’t have the resources to rescue myself.
baller wolves of all kinds aren’t checking for me right now.

“don’t look to sleep with the ceo.
become the ceo.”

so this is not my life.
i’ve hit an emotional rock bottom.
i should not be living like this.
i love when shit like this happens tho.
it wakes me the fuck up to my own shit.

the protagonist has a moment of realization

i don’t even know what chapter this is.

lowkey: it’s funny because the solar eclipse on sunday is supposed to do that.
“the truth will be brought out in our lives”.
ironically,
the day i got sick was the start of it.

9 Comments

  1. myolox said:

    J, I had days like that too. The beginning of last year, My throat was bothering me and I wanted to sleep that evening. I couldn’t swallow since it was painful and had to keep my mouth open. The next day at work, I looked in the mirror to find white spots on my throat. I finally forced myself to drink some hibiscus tea and a few days later, I was fine. Lord knows I thought I had oral thrush, but it was strep throat. That shit hurts and I never had that before. I would recommend you check what you ate that day. Also use the internet to research your symptoms. Early year flu are common so buy your self some chicken soup and good recipes online.

    February 28, 2017
    Reply
    • myolox said:

      hope you feel better.

      February 28, 2017
      Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^thanks my.

      i cannot afford to get sick right now.
      i had some fried chicken from the spot i usually go to.
      i was feeling bad with that,
      but i don’t know what happened on sunday.

      February 28, 2017
      Reply
  2. mikey kun said:

    Sorry to hear this maybe the stress you’re going throught is affecting you physically.

    February 28, 2017
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^i never thought of it as stress mikey.
      could be.
      all i know is i’m feeling like i need help or something.

      February 28, 2017
      Reply
      • mikey kun said:

        As always you’re in my prayers feel better

        February 28, 2017
  3. Paulyrical said:

    Sounds more like food poisoning, I had that experience of Christmas holiday. Exactly the same symptoms. Signs You Have Food Poisoning

    Cramps in your stomach and gut, diarrhea, and vomiting may start as early as 1 hour after eating tainted food and as late as 10 days or longer. It depends on what is causing the infection.

    February 28, 2017
    Reply
    • Jamari Fox said:

      ^paul came through with the md.
      i’m starting to feel a little better now.
      i just ate a piece of an apple pie to test things out.
      lol
      nothing bad has happened yet.

      those sound like everything i was experiencing.
      the bad cramping stopped and i’m not cold anymore.
      thank God.

      February 28, 2017
      Reply
  4. Lindo said:

    I hope you get better soon! A nice warm chicken soup should do the trick for a while and bed rest. Maybe it could the crazy weather we have been having, but whatever the reason, you should relax.

    February 28, 2017
    Reply

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