why do we go back?
why do we turn around for the sequel?
maybe even sign on for a trilogy?
it was a question i was asking myself today.
as much as we expereinced so much hurt the first go round…
Why do we go back to those who aren’t good for us?
i mean…
can sex be that good?
do the “good times” erase all the bad ones?
it’s not like there aren’t a billion folks in the world today.
some with much better qualities and home training.
trust me when if font that it sucks when a hyena or jackal becomes your world.
they are the moon,
stars,
and the fuckin’ sky.
all you see is them.
everyone else becomes invisible to your eyes.
i’ve been there.
so a friend of mine went back to their abuser.
i’m a little upset by it,
but i can’t judge.
they came to me because they felt more comfortable with me.
their other friends are judgment heavy.
secretly,
i’m a little disappointed tho.
when they left,
i cheered them on.
it was like a weight was lifted off their shoulders.
you could see the “glow” starting to peak out.
now that they went back,
it hasn’t been like a good week and they look confused again.
it’s “insta-stalking” and “walking on egg shells”.
like…
i’m starting to think we go back because of three things:
1) drama is exciting
2) no one wants to be lonely
3) addictions are hard to break
sure,
i’ve thought about those who hurt me,
but i remember all the shit they did to me.
the worst is when you think about what you tolerated.
when you have to remember how much of a fool you were.
that keeps me from going backwards.
i have to realize not everyone has evolved yet.
hell,
i’m not immune to doing a 180 over a “i’m sorry” either.
so i’ll continue to be there for my friend,
but…
When will enough be enough?
…and will it ever?
An abuser gets inside your head. I was 17 just out of high school when I met number 1, he was 37. I was over the moon that this tall good looking “Married” man was interested in me. With in 6 months I did not realize he had successfully isolated me from my family and friends. The abuse started after the 9th month when I went out with some friends to celebrate my birthday. Right after the physical abuse he turned back into the wonderful man I had fallen in love with and was so sorry and it would never happen again. I actually felt I had done something wrong. But the one thing he never accomplished was I was not afraid of him, which was his goal. The abuse became more frequent and I began to realize this was not Love. When I tried to leave is when he tried to kill me the first time by pushing me out of his speeding car on the highway to my parents house. It took me another 6 months of planning and with my parents help to get out of town I was turning 19 when I left. I had put college and my life on hold for this man. I moved to Houston and went back to school and had started a new life when he found me. I was much wiser and still a minor and was not afraid to use it legally is how I finally got rid of him. There was much more abuse before I got away from him but I did not want to make this too lengthy.
He got into my head and I felt that I was doing wrong each time until I woke up. He mean while was sleeping with everything in town I found out later. I loved him and I do not regret loving him but I have never put myself in a situation like that ever again. When I met him I knew nothing! Nothing about Gay Life, nothing about gay relationships. I was a blank canvas..
^dw…
i read this one my way home and it made me so sad.
i’m so glad you made it out of such a horrible situation.
i pray you made your peace and i’m glad you were able to leave.
Thank You Jamari, it is definitely behind me and I am at peace with it..it was another time and place.
Listen to “Insane” Luke James. I think people want to give the benefit of the doubt and believe that someone they were into/put time and effort into has changed. Nobody wants to waste that amount of energy for it to not work out, so they try and find the tiniest sliver of hope. Especially when you want to be with someone, you create your own perception of them and what it could be.
what’s often familiar is easier that what’s possible and unknown sometimes we get comfortable with what we know and understand and are fearful of what we don’t know or understand
we also go back to how it first felt when we fell in love with someone and kerp thinking it will return instead of realizing it was meant to teach us something about ourselves, what we want, what we deserve and what we don’t. once a lesson is learned we are supposed to get promoted to a new level
I’m sure high school is scary to an 8th grader ..sure you want to stay in 8th grade but once you realize high school ain’t all bad and quite frankly Will catapult you to your destiny, you understand high school is just part of the process.just like past relationships.
J…having been walked over in the past by so many people I thought were in my corner, it has made me a very cautious person. Now, if BS comes my way, I’m done.
I deal with you VERY cautiously afterwards. I have no more tolerance and room in my life for cray-crays and users.
Straight up though, this topic had me thinking about this song:
https://youtu.be/cnuqv9R76Rk
^you know i know!!!
it’s wild in these streets
I hope your that your friend is able to find his/her way to happiness, its horrible to be into someone that treats you like shit getting nothing in return. Reminds me of th years I lived in ATL., what a wake-up call. Date someone who’s into you don’t chase after anyone, just not worth it.
^the moment i have to be insta-stalking,
wondering what someone is doing,
and being abused in the process…
is the moment i’m way too far down the rabbit hole.
love is not supposed to hurt nor should i be lacing up track shoes.
it is equal and sadly,
low self esteem makes trash look like treasure.
I so love your blog. We go from talking about sexing foxes/wolves/jackals crazy to real things like this. I think the greatest part of this entry for me is the question “When will enough be enough”. For some, enough is the first time and we are done, hands washed of the situation and person, for others its the moment that wake up to the fact that they deserve better/more and for some, enough isn’t until there are no other options left.
I’m really praying for your friend. To say that they went BACK to an abusive relationship means that there is an internal issue within themselves that needd resolution. I was with a guy once who when he got angry would say some of the most hurtful things to me and about me to other people. Every time I would accept his “Baby, I was just so mad”. One day, he got mad enough to put his hands on me. That was his first, last, and only time EVER being THAT mad. I asked myself could I really see a future with him after this and no, I couldn’t. We fought, I may or may not have broken his leg (lol) and I stopped dealing with him. A few years ago he tried the “I miss us” thing and I told him I didn’t mind attempting a friendship but could never put myself in that situation again.
^omg im so glad you left!
you left with a bang too!
literally LOL
i’ve been there with the hurtful things being said.
that really breaks you down emotionally.
my friend is trying to sell this as a great love,
but there is no maturity on the other’s end.
there is a ton of trust issues that won’t get resolved.
it’s a mess,
but all in the name of “love”,
right?