it’s been a year.
a full year since i got this foxmail:
well anything and everything can change within a year.
i got an update from the foxholer about what has happened since then.
i wanted to share his journey since then…
What’s up Jamari!
It’s been about a year since I wrote you. The entry was entitled “Everyone Thinks I’m Gay. Help!” Since then, I’ve accepted that I am gay. That was a huge step forward for me. Around that time I wrote you I was at the lowest point of my life. I was miserable, college educated, and unemployed. I had lost all hope. I even thought about suicide. Your site was a safe haven for me. Your entries and others who participate in the foxhole discussions lets me know I am not alone. Thank you.
September 2015 I started to see my therapist. The stigma associated with seeing a therapist, especially within the black community was instilled in me early on. I didn’t want to be labeled crazy or made fun of so I kept it to myself for a while. I will never tell my family but I have told some friends. My therapist is a black heterosexual male. He is great at what he does and is very insightful. We have dissected my childhood, family life, friendships, religion, and now it’s time to tackle some of the personal internal issues I still have. I have come a long way. My therapist suggested I meet new people which is hard for me to do being a shy and to myself kind of guy. He suggested a site called meetup.com. I met some cool people on Grindr but even after a great conversation it was still “when are we fucking.” Not surprised by that though lol. I remember when I first admitted to my therapist I was gay. I was terrified, but I didn’t feel judge and being gay is not all of who I am but just part of me and that’s how I’m treated, like a normal guy. Since then going to see my therapist is a safe haven, something I wished I had outside of his office.
I found a job and now I have my own place. Despite things being great on the outside, I still struggle internally. I still deal with depression and I’m afraid to become dependent on meds so I don’t take them. I wish I had a friend who I can just be myself around. I wait once a week to talk to my therapist about my personal life, work and everything and it’s not enough.
The only issue is that I mentioned my crush at work to my therapist and it felt awkward talking to a straight man about it. My crush is a brown skin guy, masculine, great posture, nice smile, thick thighs and a nice ass. I love when he wears dress slacks.
When I walk past him I can’t make eye contact and I get extremely weak. I wouldn’t know what to say if he spoke to me, I’d probably melt. He’s in a leadership position, educated, & 2 years older than I. I think he is straight …
I’ve tried looking him up online and can’t find a Facebook, Instagram or anything. All I found was an old Twitter with him and his old girlfriend. But I still wish I had someone like that on an everyday basis.
With all that progress I still feel like something is missing and I don’t know what it is. I thought I needed a relationship, maybe new friends, idk. I was just writing to give you an update & say thank you again! Im interested in the advice/comments from the foxhole, the comments from the last time helped a lot!
you are so welcome!
congrats on all these positives!
i’m glad to have created a place that has helped so many,
since the reader wanted the advice from the most amazing comment section,
i will step to the side and let the foxhole take a go at this!