annaremarchuk4it’s been a year.
a full year since i got this foxmail:


well anything and everything can change within a year.
i got an update from the foxholer about what has happened since then.
  i wanted to share his journey since then…

What’s up Jamari!

It’s been about a year since I wrote you. The entry was entitled “Everyone Thinks I’m Gay. Help!” Since then, I’ve accepted that I am gay. That was a huge step forward for me. Around that time I wrote you I was at the lowest point of my life. I was miserable, college educated, and unemployed. I had lost all hope. I even thought about suicide. Your site was a safe haven for me. Your entries and others who participate in the foxhole discussions lets me know I am not alone. Thank you.


September 2015 I started to see my therapist. The stigma associated with seeing a therapist, especially within the black community was instilled in me early on. I didn’t want to be labeled crazy or made fun of so I kept it to myself for a while. I will never tell my family but I have told some friends. My therapist is a black heterosexual male. He is great at what he does and is very insightful. We have dissected my childhood, family life, friendships, religion, and now it’s time to tackle some of the personal internal issues I still have. I have come a long way. My therapist suggested I meet new people which is hard for me to do being a shy and to myself kind of guy. He suggested a site called meetup.com. I met some cool people on Grindr but even after a great conversation it was still “when are we fucking.” Not surprised by that though lol. I remember when I first admitted to my therapist I was gay. I was terrified, but I didn’t feel judge and being gay is not all of who I am but just part of me and that’s how I’m treated, like a normal guy. Since then going to see my therapist is a safe haven, something I wished I had outside of his office.

I found a job and now I have my own place. Despite things being great on the outside, I still struggle internally. I still deal with depression and I’m afraid to become dependent on meds so I don’t take them. I wish I had a friend who I can just be myself around. I wait once a week to talk to my therapist about my personal life, work and everything and it’s not enough.

The only issue is that I mentioned my crush at work to my therapist and it felt awkward talking to a straight man about it. My crush is a brown skin guy, masculine, great posture, nice smile, thick thighs and a nice ass. I love when he wears dress slacks.


When I walk past him I can’t make eye contact and I get extremely weak. I wouldn’t know what to say if he spoke to me, I’d probably melt. He’s in a leadership position, educated, & 2 years older than I. I think he is straight …
I’ve tried looking him up online and can’t find a Facebook, Instagram or anything. All I found was an old Twitter with him and his old girlfriend. But I still wish I had someone like that on an everyday basis.

With all that progress I still feel like something is missing and I don’t know what it is. I thought I needed a relationship, maybe new friends, idk. I was just writing to give you an update & say thank you again! Im interested in the advice/comments from the foxhole, the comments from the last time helped a lot!

635788088569086756-31494598_giphyyou are so welcome!
congrats on all these positives!

i’m glad to have created a place that has helped so many,
myself included.
since the reader wanted the advice from the most amazing comment section,
i will step to the side and let the foxhole take a go at this!


  1. Your letter touched me as I see someone who is slowly defining himself sexually and mentally. You have crossed the first bridge and that is finding yourself. Now Nemo, and that’s YOU, must find himself mentally and socially.

    Someone else in this post made a suggestion that I am going to repeat. Firstly You Have to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST before anything else. Loving yourself is exploring all your inhibitions, face them and RELEASE them slowly. How do you release them? Simple. Accept them . For example , you are shy. Great. Many people are , not just you. ACCEPT IT but Don’t flatter yourself With it. Shy people never get the cookie, it’s always the crumbs. There is a part in you that wants the cookie so ACCEPT that part of you and try and lean on that side MORE to overcome that weakness.

    That strength that is in you seems to be playing second fiddle to all your negatives . WE all have negatives but the ones that uses their strengths are the winners. So USE YOUR HIDDEN STRENGTHS. EVERY HUMAN BEING HAVE STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES. It’s not just YOU. Start socialising, smile outwardly, develop a BFF, even if it’s your own family member and start actively networking and socialising. And all you need is just ONE, just one very good trust worthy friend. We all haveJUST ONE true friend. So use them as they need you just like you need them.

    One last thing, you are in no frame of mind to handle what you perceive is LOVE or attraction. As a gay man , like other gay men, the first thing we do is try and satisfy our sexual needs, we fantacize on the dreamiest man , we create little snippets of the type of life you see with this fyne person…STOP, JUST FUCKING STOP! That my friend is FANTASY. Don’t go looking for love. When you have developed the ART of using your strengths and suppressing your weakness, then LOVE will find you

    In the end my friend I am trying to tell you ITS ALL ABOUT YOU. Every human being suffer the same as you. It’s just that many of us know and learn how to put our strength before our weakness .. You are as unique as everyone else, no different, no worse.

    FIND YOUR STRENGTHS, AND SELL IT. Go out, travel, experience different places, people, cultures, EXPLORE my brother. With all the shame and mockery IT IS STILL A BEAUTIFUL WORLD. Go find it.

    Best of luck buddy.

  2. Love the strides you have made on your journey so far . You’ve been talking to a therapist and meeting new people all big pluses, try not to stress out about not having that comfort you havie in the therapist office outside of it I’m sure it’s coming.

  3. I commend you on your progress. I remember that post, and still relate to your words to this day. It’s life, people just don’t really “get” it, but they don’t have to. YOU have to. I’m glad you’re seeing someone and have someone to confide in. It still sounds like your missing someone who you can be candid with, a friend, doesn’t have to be a gay male (but it’s preferred, if at all possible), but just someone who you can talk about that part of your life. You feel like you can’t truly be yourself, or let people know who you are, so there’s a barrier, a limit to how close you can get with someone(Don’t worry, you’re not alone, I’m in the same boat too) You’re looking to relate to someone who you can feel safe with. You need a friend without those barriers. There’s nothing wrong with that, but… until said person shows up (if they show up, if they exist), you have to take charge of your self-esteem. You’ve already gotten started with the therapist, but it’s not enough. Perhaps a gym membership? Perhaps a hobby/sport? (Learning new things and discovering new talents are always things that help my self-esteem personally) Fill up your life with hobbies and events that make you feel fulfilled so you’re not wallowing in your feelings (I’m working on this too)
    and finally, I think it might be a good experience to get out there and meet somebody romantically, (I’m trying to take my own advice here, I know it’s difficult) but please avoid Grindr and Jack’d. Not sure if Tinder is any better for gay dudes though, but if you cover the other steps before this, at least you won’t feel like you NEED someone else to complete you. Best of luck to you and remember youre not alone!

  4. Congrats on your progress brother. None of us are perfect; we’re all in this together. My best advice to you; get a life. People won’t make you happy if you aren’t first happy with yourself. Do you have a favorite hobby? What interests you? What have you always wanted to learn? Are you creative? Are you athletic? Sometimes in finding this out you meet people along the way. When you stop looking thats when what you need finds you. Get on the Internet or grab your local paper and see what events are going on locally or nationally. It may seem weird at first doing things by yourself, but you’ll come to appreciate it and you’ll learn a lot about yourself. God bless and keep you, brother.

  5. Continue to search for your true self. You’re not out of the woods by any means, but your vision should be a lot clearer now. As for the work wolf/fox/hybrid, take it slow. Be nice and come off friendly, but not too friendly. Find out what you all might have in common. Find out what he likes and try to peek his interest around that. See if he’s open about who he might be dating. If he’s single, see how he would feel about catching a drink after work on a Friday. If he’s interested, he’ll take the bait or truly try to reschedule if he’s really busy. Don’t think too much about your interactions with him. Just let it flow. Do more personal digging AWAY from work. He might end up being a cool friend. Just don’t be overly needy for his attention or affection. Throw some subtle hints out there and let him follow through. You NEVER want things to potentially backfire with a colleague. Play it cool and see what happens. 😎

  6. God bless you who ever wrote this foxmail. Continue to keep your head up and try to stay positive. I also deal with depression and it’s a bitch. I commend you on being so brave and opening up to a therapist. Congratulations on the job and new place, just know your not alone and many of us are just like you. Sending love and positivity your way brother.

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