i fell asleep relatively early last night.
around like 10-ish.
that is early for me since i board the sleep express at 1-2 am.
i just jumped up out of my sleep due to the nightmare i was having.
i’ve been having a lot of really vivid nightmare-ish dreams as of late.
this nightmare felt real tho…
I jumped to my death from the roof of my building.
Upon impact is when I woke up at like 20 minutes ago.
The images I saw after I landed scared tf out of me.
It all felt so real like it was really happening.
I haven’t been to sleep since.
cheslie kyrst has been on my mind ever since she took her own life.
i think this pandemic life is starting to get to me tbh.
for a number of weeks,
i have been feeling un-motivated.
i’ll have this burst of energy on some days,
but not want to be bothered for the next few.
sometimes,
i’ll find myself crying over the most random shit.
i’m usually good with cold weather,
but this year has been really getting to me.
it doesn’t help the heat in my building hasn’t been like other years.
everything just feels…
cold.
Jamari
The death date of my Father is coming up. One year. He never loved me, which isn’t fine, which is not okay. I didn’t deserve that. Knowing my inner self, I know I would have loved this man and would have been a good son. I can’t even remember what the touch of his hand is like.
He refused to even come to watch me graduate. Just held the phone when I called. My ears were ringing hot with hurt.
I also have been weepy lately. Inexplicably. I console myself saying I could not miss what I didn’t have, but I deserved to have a loving Father, I did indeed deserve his love. I am aghast he went all my 50 years and never once said he loved me.