The Pursuit of Friendship and Other Sobering Thoughts (Star Fox)

5001328857_4c32b574d9_bthey say in life that you will experience one or two great loves.
they also say in life you will experience one great friendship.
well i haven’t found my great love yet,
but i did have a great friend.
its hard to meet people these days.
real people.
genuine people.
loyal people.
“stand at the front line with you” people.
death to us part people.
whether you want to pursue a relationship or kick it on a platonic level.
i miss my great friend.
life has been so different since he has been gone.
its like everything wrong with people has been enhanced xs 1000.
i started to see most people these days are just “stand ins”.
in realizing that,
i have no one i can really share myself with.
i mean i have associates,
and i consider karaoke one of my best vixen friends,
but i don’t have any male gay friends in my circle.
you try and get close to someone in the life and either:

a) they want to find ways to fuck you
b) they want to act like they sitting on a panel of rhoa
especially from someone whose life is a war zone of bitterness and ignorance.
its like 95% of individuals in the life act like glamorized vixens.
ones who are picture perfect and never did anything wrong in life.
like ever.
no seriously.
no one wants to resolve disagreements and “shake on it”.
everything has to be some damn “throwing shade”.
i always wondered
how can you call someone your “friend”,
but then try and shade them in the next breath to strangers?
like how does that work?
using flaws and secrets to expose “friends” for the world.
its like a real life girl’s bathroom.
tumblr_mpragaF2q91ss2ajao1_500when you had someone in your life who:

listened to every word i said

sung songs together on the phone
was the shoulder to cry on
didn’t judge me for the dumb shit i did
taught me how to not take myself so seriously
saw the light inside me i couldn’t see
understood and accepted me in all my awkwardness
allowed me to get comfortable with this life when i wasn’t

…well they raised the bar in what a friendship is.
we knew each other like the back of our hands.
hell he knew that i liked when it came to wolves.
his “i want you to meet this wolf” was on point when it came to me.
besides all that,
he taught me what it meant to be a good friend.
he is gone.
my great friend is gone.
i miss star fox so much.
i’m trying to hold out hope that i will meet someone with his same qualities one day.


13 thoughts on “The Pursuit of Friendship and Other Sobering Thoughts (Star Fox)

  1. Like you I was blessed with a Starfoxx kinda of friendship when I was in college and he left here way too young and way too soon. I found myself trying to make these new friends in my life him and it never worked. It is like when you have a good close friend you can confide in and depend on, you dont really worry about having a partner or being in a relationship. I can see a part of me is not willing to get as close to anyone as I did him because I think I am scared that they are going to leave me. I used to get so mad at him for dying and leaving me. I have a couple of close friends but it is not the same, honestly I dont think they would really be there for me if I really needed them, its like we are cool and hang out but they are so wrapped up in their own relationships that they always put friendships on the back burner. I meet cool dudes at parties but it is superficial at best, its like many gay dudes are all looking for the next great lover so if you seem to be competition they are not going to get close to you. Many gay dudes are bitter and hateful and seemed to enjoy playing the bitch role being messy and catty right off the bat when they meet you, especially if you have something going for yourself. I am finding that str8 dudes are actually turning out to be better friends as I get older.

  2. I am in the same boat as you. I don’t have any gay friends, except the one online, but lord knows that is 20/80

  3. You will find another good friend may be not starfox, lvl but a good friend. It’s still good ppl out in the world. We just have to break those walls down. Gay or straight a friend should be a friend no matter what! Ill be your friend?? Sound corny but true! We all need someone just to listen to us sometimes and not judge. Just be consistent and loyal. Oh a no jealously for others success

  4. Jamari, I feel you man. My best friend passed away about 4 years ago from a brain tumor. I miss that boy more than anyone can know. We spoke every day, and now that he’s gone, I miss that most. We spoke from the heart, and even when we pissed one another off to the extreme, we never let trivial things come between our friendship. I remember one serious argument we had, and that night before I went to bed he called and apologized. I didn’t think I would hear from him for a day or two because he was a stubborn mofo, but he called. He told me no matter how angry you are with someone, never go to bed mad at them because you never know what can happen, and you may not have the chance to say I’m sorry.
    We talked about any and everything. We were each others therapist. LOL
    I don’t keep many people in my close circle, there are maybe three or four tops, but I never communicated with my other friends like I did with him. I can’t explain it, but we just connected. I wish he was here…but he’s here in spirit. Star fox is too!

  5. You spoke nothing but the truth. You think you can filter out the bad ones by only trying to befriend the more masculine, lowkey guys, but they are drama too. If you’re not trying to smash when they want to, you’ll be put on the back burner until they are bored.

    I don’t do that!

    It’s a blessing that you’ve even experienced that type of friendship, where as its a foreign concept for most us.

    I could always see there was something special about your friendship. It was never based on negativity or dependency and no underlying jealousy or competition.

    I truly believe that kind of loyalty and love lives forever. I’m sure you can feel it even now.

    I honestly envy that.

  6. This made me sad because I know you miss him, and it is hard to make friends in this lifestyle because like you said people have ulterior motives. Hopefully you will find another friend you will be in tune with and can genuinely be there for you.

  7. You’re right it’s hard for me to make male gay friends, I can make female ones gay or straight all day. I need someone who can understand my goofy side and want to play PS3 with me, all while we talk about our dream wolves while out to dinner downtown. I have a best female friend for that but she doesn’t understand the struggle I go through when it comes to dating wolves, With her being a pretty vixen she doesn’t have to try hard at all when it come to getting men.

    P.S. I’m sure Star Fox is watching over you like a guardian angel.

    1. ^agreed!
      it’s easier to meet “the others”,
      but it’s hell to meet those who can relate to you and share the struggles.
      i always says that this foxhole connects me to those in this life that are genuine.

  8. This broke my heart to read, again I’m sorry that you had to lose him Jamari. I think when we have a best friend especially in this life it is so much easier he understands you when no one else does. I’m looking for my friend and to be honest I can’t find one. I want a friend like you had in Star Fox. I remember when he was alive and all the entries you posted about him I wanted a friend just like him an extrovert to my introvert personality. Jamari I say all this is because in this lifestyle many of us don’t have true friends like you just posted. When you find a true friend that knows you and can help you out I think that is so special. Just know that his spirit is still with you along with your parents and that is why your still here and standing strong with all the obstacles you have faced in your life. Many people would have given up but your still standing my friend. I also think God has put MI in your life for a reason. Your rainy days will be over soon Jamari take care and remain strong.

  9. Hey Jamari, how are you doing?

    You’re right, nothing beats a true good friendship. Good and honest people are hard to find out here for sure. I don’t have any gay friends for the same reasons you stated above. Never met a gay dude that is just “cool” to be around. I know they’re out there but I guess, most of us hide in the shadows so its hard to actually meet these people.

    Its really hard out here for all of us, we battle these issues daily, so it would be nice to just have that one person who has your back, where you don’t have to “pretend” around and just be candid. A lot of us need a Star Fox.

    Star Fox did raise the bar on what it means to be a good friend. I think a lot of us can learn something from him on what it means to be a friend in “this life”. Life is unfair, and cruel to take such a beautiful spirit from one of us.

    I hope you’re okay Jamari, and may his soul rest in peace. <3

    1. ^i’m aight,
      coming out of the “blah” phase slowly.
      its like i just want to sleep,
      but the foxhole needs to be updated.

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