THE LAST TIME I TRIED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE

The following is reading-MA
Triggering content, Adult content, Suicide

2004-ish.
it was between a lot of “being down bad“.
i was fed up with life and all the bad cards i was being dealt.
something triggered me and i was ready to end it.
pills was my drug of choice.
i had consumed a few sleeping pills and a dramatic ass voicemail greeting.
when someone called,
i wanted them to hear my goodbyes that i was gone.
after that,
i turned my phone off and went to sleep…

Clearly,
I’m not dead cause I’m writing this…

i guess God didn’t want me yet because i woke up the next morning,
i was groggy af and decided to go to work.
to tl;dr this story,
a concerned friend at the time heard my voicemail.
she called an adult figure in our lives who went into panic mode as well.

I wasn’t answering the phone because I kept it off all day.

she came over to my sister’s aunt’s spot,
where i was staying at the time,
with the police.
when i came home after a long day of working retail:

The front door is on the floor.

the police knocked the whole door down.
i had to explain to two angry people why their door was on the floor.
i ended up having to pay for the door,
which cost a lot of money that i didn’t have.
i had to sleep in the hallway since we had to make a make-shift door.
thank God it was spring-ish.

i had the nerve to be angry,
but looking back,
she was the only friend that cared enough to do that.
needless to font,
i learned my lesson that day.
even though i’ve had other suicidal thoughts,
i make sure to reach out to someone if i’m really struggling.

If you’re struggling,
I ask that you do the same.

even though we lost touch,
thank you s for caring about me enough that day.

lowkey: we are gonna do a lot of going back in time foxhole.
i’m unpacking for you.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

5 thoughts on “THE LAST TIME I TRIED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE”

  1. I’m gonna be real — this whole topic of suicide makes me frustrated as hell. Sometimes my logical side keeps shouting “IT’S A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!”. Then I think “YOUR ACTIONS DON’T JUST AFFECT YOU, THEY AFFECT THOSE CLOSEST TO YOU!”

    But like Vivica said, this COVID got a lot of people in a dark place.

    I want to be more empathetic/sympathetic … for all I know, my comfy life might take a tailspin tomorrow.Who says I’m immune to possibly being in a dark place myself?

  2. Oh J, I feel you, I’ve been there several times & been in the psych ward both times. I never made an attempt but knew if I didn’t get help I’d end up following through somehow. It’s an awful place to be in, where you truly believe you have no other options. Depression is a mean bitch. Please know you are never alone & can reach out to me if you ever need to talk.

    Also know you have so many people who love you & you’ve enriched so many of our lives w/your blog musings. I’m so glad you survived & are here to share your life w/the world. Thank you for persevering & being you!

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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