50 thoughts on “The Epidemic That Is “Gay Loneliness””

1. Jamari thanks so much for sharing your raw honest feelings and for sharing this Huff Po article. I shared it with a number of my friends this morning. One didn’t want to even look at it. “Don’t make me cry this morning,” he said.

   Before I wrote this comment I re-read your blog post and comments and the article and comments. I want to really absorb this.

   The article is spot on. Shame and isolation really do keep gay males, and especially gay black males, from forming bonds. I sent it to this guy I once dated. He is a media personality and well known. I thought we had a lot in common but he abruptly dropped me. His excuse years later was that he felt shame at being gay and just couldn’t commit.

   As you have read in my blog I came out relatively late — in my 40s — after years of being in a straight marriage. Sure, I had to wrestle with shame and the reaction of some family and friends but my journey has been a cakewalk compared to what I have read on your blog and in these articles.

   Overall, I have had a positive experience and have enjoyed dating and getting involved in the gay lifestyle. But yes, there can be negativity there. The cattiness. The drugs. Etc.

   However, a good friend advised me years ago that gay life is what you make it. So I try to avoid negative people and surround myself with positive ones. I try to attend positive gay events and patronize gay businesses. I have also been lucky enough to find a partner who gives me space and lets me express myself sexually.

   But I sympathize with my Same-Gender Loving Brothers who feel isolated and lonely. What I am reading here is breaking my heart. All I can say is never stop hoping and reaching out to others for a connection.

   Lastly Jamari in the past when my ex-partner and I were in NYC on business we offered to take you to lunch you turned us down. I understood your reasons — you had a desire to maintain privacy.

   But if you are ever feeling depressed and at the end of your rope my partner and I would be happy to pay for you to come down to Baltimore/DC and just hang out and enjoy life for a day or two. And no — we don’t want to jump your bones. Just uplift you.

   Take care and good luck on the job hunt. The right one will come.

   Your fellow blogger, Immanuel

2. Every perspective made valid points. I understand the loneliness, definitely. I just moved to a new place (LI, NY), trying to make new friends, meet new guys, etc. What I’m noticing is that I’m not putting myself out there, meaning communicating with people. I know everybody wants to be approached but those days are really gone. You have to take the initiative, put in the work. It sucks, but its true. Surround yourself with positivity not negativity because whatever you think is what you become. Also, when bad things happen to us, we tend to think in extremes. I’m notorious for it, but I’m learning just because “this” situation occurred does not mean x, y and z is going to happen. You’re alive, so that means whatever situation you find yourself in, you can respond to it. Hopefully, you respond in a way that’s beneficial to you.

3. Some things you read can hit you like a ton of bricks because you can relate to it so well and this was one such article. Along with the article and the comments from the Foxhole, I am literally at a lost right now of what to say, but knew I had to say something. I have felt misunderstood my whole life, like nobody has ever really gotten me, nobody has really ever taken the time to really get know me and being gay, I have built this wall as well for them not to get to no me because I am fearful and ashamed because the str8 world I grew up in made gay a nasty and demonic thing to be, so I found myself always pleasing others and staying under the radar while being miserable. Then when you are old enough to chart your own course, you find a bizarre gay world of drugs, sex, and hatefulness that is just as bad and one you cant relate too. At this stage of my life, I feel more love coming from my str8 friends more so than some of my so called close gay friends, who mostly only have the energy to concentrate on their “date of the moment”, of course they want you to be there for them 100 percent. It does get to be exhausting and gay life is a very lonely existence that takes a strong individual to make it through. Even now for me in a relationship, I can not let my guard all the way down. I have been lonely for so long that I still feel a sense that I will ultimately be by myself, so I am always prepared for the worse. No person should have to live like this, but it is a reality for so many gay men. I in no way can relate to the drugs and wild sex but I have many a friend who this type of life is a reality and many have succumb along the way or have suffered from severe addictions. Ironically, my faith has kept and sustained me, even at the same time I have been confined to the pits of hell by the church for living a homosexual life. This article was an eye opener in many ways but also a repeat of many of the things we already know living this life. I hope we are all able to find ways to make our life work without the help of substances, dangerous sex, or toxic people. I am thankful for this platform of cyber brothers to tell my burdens too since finding a therapist I can relate too is almost impossible.

4. Wow this is beyond sad. The crazy part is I am “Jeremy” I mean I have a lesbian mom, I never been called a faggot (not in my face) I have been called a fatass, fatso, etc. I was a chubby ass kid, but it does scares me that there’s a possibility. Knock on wood it won’t happen.

   Jamari, there’s this new term call “slam” or “slamming” where gay men actually get hard and jerk off to men getting high on cocaine. I find a few videos for you to watch. You should read the comments. It’s so sad to see “us” getting hard on that.

   https://bbpigff.tumblr.com/post/152648525341/double-slam
   http://slamversabb.tumblr.com/post/102949871813/slam-hot-boy
   http://onmykneessir.tumblr.com/post/66089896974/enjoydont-you-just-love-baths#_=_

5. I feel you man My pain goes a little deeper I didn’t get comfortable with my sexuality until my mid 30’s So i missed the chance to network and form meaningful friendship I was and still am extremly shy and that didnt make things easier

   Now in my late 50’s I have reconciled the likelihood that i will never have a relationship and probably will pass without ever hearing someone say they love me

   I have always had trouble even trying to just have no strings sex much less something more meaning Shyness can be crippling and on top of that being ugly is a recipe for solitude I am at peace with this even though reluctantly When I let my guard down and think that I might have a shot of happiness only to be disappointed is when I get frustrated

6. Lmao all of those men you mentioned are gay caricatures and are nasty depending on how you look at it.

   No one said the church was above criticism, but I often find the most critical gays of the church are often the stereotypical shallow people with nasty attitudes mentioned in the article.

   Not hearing you. Before you come for the church make sure you’re not bullying other gay men for their appearance or socioeconomic status.

   1. I can say they same thing about some religious church figures who go at gays and have their own dirt and demons.

      I lurk most gay blogs and I’ve never heard any gay men depicting themselves was moral authorities. And I don’t necessarily believe in using whatever dysfunctions someone has to discredit their opinion as long as it’s in a good place. But some opinions can unfortunately be triggered and spiteful and it undermined productive discussions. I do believe there are people in the community they want to believe the God love them, but I fully acknowledge the narcissistic atheist.

      At the end of the day, I don’t think no one is better than the others, we all have our battles. I surely have mine.

      1. Do you believe in being hypocritical, because that’s certainly what one would call it if someone wants equality for who they sleep with but also determines ones value by how they look. It’s talking out of both sides of your neck.

         The problem Ive noticed with gay men is they want to be accepted by the church, men they find attractive, and society in general without extending that same basic right to others.

         Clearly judging from the long winded article gay men don’t even have much refuge with each other so who’s the root of the problem at the end of the day? Everyone’s problems ,homosexual or otherwise, can be traced to their childhood and upbringing. So at what point does all that become an excuse to be a shitty person who’s not willing to put in the effort to change?

      2. ^ Those superficial types wouldn’t be going to church any way, so those aren’t the people who I am talking about wanting acceptance from the church, and I pointed that out.

         If you choose to see the community only for it’s dysfunction, do you. I just think it’s like using the Chicago violence to justify racial profiling (and I am no comparing race to orientation).

         Agree to disagree.

7. I honestly have no words to say in response because it has been said already. I want to start with this: we as gay men all need to just take a break from everything online and everyone and just heal. Like really, deprogram our program and reprogram our minds with positivity. We need to just look in the mirror and ask who am I? Or who are you? If you can answer that, then tell yourself that you love yourself more than anything. It sucks that we have to go through this. I hate it when another gay man is on a verge of giving up, and I just want to hug him and tell him that I love him and to never give up!

   As I’m writing this, I feel you guys on this post and I’m getting teary eyed and now crying from what I’ve experienced and what you guys are saying. I want to say that God loves you all and I do too! My heart goes out to you all and I pray that the LGBT becomes stronger and more united because we can become positive role models to each other and to a younger generation of gay and lesbian people. We just need to heal………that’s all…….heal our wounds, broken hearts, and break away from low self-esteem, bondage, and be free! I’m gay and fucking proud! LOL *raises fist in the air*

   1. ^i love this comment brandon.

8. I’ll spare the details about the parallels with porn and body image, but I’ll say when I was younger and started interacting with gay/bi people and realized there really was no acceptance there it knocked the life out of me and had a profound impact on the way I see them.

   Might be callous but I’ll never be an LGBT ally and they’ll always be worse than church folk to me. I’ve never been too dark or fat to go to church. It’s also virtually impossible for me to feel any pity or empathy for 99% considering most don’t show basic human decency.

   I had to leave most of same sex shit alone. Like literally everything but this site, including people, apps, pics, porn, all of it. I don’t knock anyone who desires a same sex relationship, but I don’t believe in them.

   1. ^im always interested in hearing your views on gays.
      ill also admit that this site changed my views on gays because i believed many to be very catty.
      i was gonna write something about that as a spinoff to this entry tomorrow actually.

      the fact you said “dark and fat” spoke volumes as ive heard many others struggle with being accepted.
      i think my cousin hybrid is only dealing with snow wolves/hybrids/and foxes for that very reason too.

      1. Growing up and going to both primarily black and white schools skin tone was never an issue, nor was my physical appearance. I was smart, handsome, funny etc no matter where I went.

         So to go from that to hearing constantly if you’re not enough of this, that, or whatever else then you’re nothing and you should just be out in the wilderness alone.

         Guess what though? I made my home in the wilderness on the fringes of both gays and the straight world.

         Now that I’m older I can appreciate interactions with heterosexual men and women way more than a gay man talking about equality one minute and then shading someone for what they’re wearing or how they look in the next breath.

         Save it! It’s karma when you put negativity out into the world and end up living your worst fear: being alone.

         1. ^i feel your side is one that needs to be highlighted the most.
            that is exactly how ive felt within this life.
            like you,
            im like a vigilante between the straight and gay world.
            i don’t feel like i fit in anywhere except maybe on this site.
            i will say i stood out more amongst the straights and they sought me out more.

            1. ^i also feel like the straights outside the internet treated me as a human.
               meaning,
               they accepted me for me rather than my body or my clothes.
               they actually wanted to talk to me and pick my brain rather than see how quick they could get me into bed.
               this site and the foxhole changed my views on other gays,
               ill be perfectly honest.

   2. JAY Hm, I won’t challenge your point too much, but with that perspective, I don’t see the church as any better. You may never be too fat or too dark to go into a church because that’s not a concern for church people nor religion. You can certainly be too gay to enter a church though, I wonder if they’d accept you the same if sexuality was visible for all to see like our skin colour? If they know that you don’t conform to their conditions I wonder what that would look like? They might as well ban you for being too dark or fat if that were the case.

      When you put it like that, it becomes not which one is better, but a “pick your poison” situation. They’re both the same to me. Both groups are full of prejudices and shallow mentalities, with both groups, you have to fall into their norms to be accepted whether it be the straight, church going life, or being a shallow sexy adonis. It’s all wrong no matter how you spin it. I respect what you said nonetheless.

      1. You make a good point here. i find that a sector of the LGBT demographic (disassociating yourself from the community won’t work here) chooses to be in survivor mode in which they don’t mind being perceived in a certain manor just so they can fit within a community.

         1. ^those types tend to be the nastiest as well…
            or am i wrong?

      2. Then by that logic the visibly gay and zesty choir directors in just about every Baptist church wouldn’t be there.

      3. ^ There can also be an argument that JustinJ, Skorpion, and Funky Dineva wound up being popular gay bloggers, none of whom appealing to the superficialness of the gay community. There always gonna be people who find a way to fit into a community despite being less than ideal.

         There’s nothing wrong with loyalty toward an institution. My problem is when one wants to exempt something/someone from criticism and both the church and gay communities should be up for criticism just like anyone else.

      4. “There’s nothing wrong with loyalty toward an institution. My problem is when one wants to exempt something/someone from criticism and both the church and gay communities should be up for criticism just like anyone else.”

         Agreed OPM1988.

9. One of the problems I’ve been saying to exhaustion is that there is no “model” for gay life, as there is for the straights. Straight people- even bisexual people- can look to this model of “picket fence, 2.5 kids” yada yada, and they have the LUXURY of treating it as something “inevitable”. From the time they are young, they can just assume that at some point, they are going to have a family, and if they don’t want to, that’s totally their choice. They don’t have to THINK about what is to become of their lives, the road maps are all laid out for them.

   Gay people don’t have that luxury, and the problem is, because we grow up with mostly straight people, in seemingly majority straight communities, we are taught these norms as expectations. The problem with homosexuality is that there is no model for raising gay kids, and that by the time a lot of us know that we are gay (some time in our pre-teens to late teenage years) we have already internalized all of these messages of what it means to be a “normal” human being, with all of these road maps that are not designed for us. Basically, what I’m trying to say is, even if there are parents who want to be supportive to their LGBT kids, they don’t realize until it’s too late, and it’s no one’s fault, it’s just the way the cookie crumbles. The damage is already done.

   What we have failed to do as gay people is to set up resources for us, first by establishing our own road maps of “how to be happy” being a gay person. It’s not always about relationships or even kids. Not everybody wants that, but the problem we face is that we have all been conditioned in some way or another to believe that there is only one way of life, and, living in societies where we can make anything we want out of ourselves, it’s disheartening that we still live in a life where all the LGBT youth are essentially, left to the wolves, to fight and survive, hence why porn seems to be the only other model of living life. That’s a big reason as to why gay men feel like we all have to look like sexy porn stars with 9+ inch dicks, be light-skinned, or white, and be “masculine” whatever that means. We have to not fall into that trap and learn to rise above these limitations. Oh and btw, not everybody wants to be that way, and not everybody desires that.

   If we want to find happiness, it’s incumbent on US to define or REdefine -if we have to- what it means to be gay instead of relying on the straight community to work with us. Gay marriage can be a good thing for those who want it, but why do gay people want or need marriage? Something designed for straight and Christian people , and why not create our own version, our own laws? It’s okay to want that but we have to take a long look at ourselves and ask ourselves why we want so desperately to be accepted in a community that we are not apart of. <<The answer is what I described above; we are brought up with these as "norms" and "expectations", it becomes subliminal and subconcious after a certain point.I feel like we're chasing something that we can never have, and that's why even after gay marriage was made legal, there haven't been many significant changes in gay people, because it only REINFORCES the notion that we should look to live our lives within THEIR norms and that WE as we are, are not that (normal).

   We need our own communities, our own laws, our own ceremonies, our own SYSTEM and resources to see significant changes in these trends. Living our lives trying to be our version of straight is NOT the answer IMO.

   1. BTW I liked the article too Jamari, it was a good find. It’s good to see a discussion is being had about this.

      1. ^thank the pretty vixen!
         i told her today she should be proud of herself causing such a discussion today!

   2. ^i can see your point d.

      i think deep down inside,
      gays still want that foundation even tho we fight so hard to claim we don’t.
      we put emphasis on sex in every decision we make.
      personally,
      i don’t not want marriage and cubs.
      i would like a fantastic penthouse apartment,
      a dog,
      maybe a cat,
      loads on money,
      a successful career,
      and a long term boyfriend who has his own spot.
      many straights have told me i should have a cub because it would be a mini me.
      i found that absurd.
      im bringing a cub in this world to dress up?
      i think gays need direction like the straight did.
      even if the direction is “do you”.

      1. Absolutely, but we have to realize that we were conditioned and taught to want that foundation, but who’s to say that we can’t forge our own path, create our OWN foundation?

         Sex seems to be the substitute for the lack of that “foundation”; the intimacy, and “normalcy” that we can’t seem to be able to achieve, which is precisely the reason I personally don’t believe in casual sex for me. Am I lonely, yeah, but I can’t bring myself to have sex with a stranger and be treated like a used tissue. I may not have the highest self-esteem but I have enough to know my self worth and I don’t deserve that treatment, not even from a hot, sexy adonis that seems to be placed on a pedestal. Nope. I’m worth more than that. I can be a prize, and not look nor act like a porn star, because there’s MORE to my humanity than fulfilling someone’s physical fantasies, I would need a man who understands that level of depth.

         Your dream and mine are something similar. I do feel like I want “cubs” one day sans the marriage, but I think I’ll have to be open to the fact that cubs from my loins may not be my path, so I might look into another path (adoption). I know that my path is not the same as the straights, but it doesn’t mean I can’t still achieve my dreams.

         All i know is that the messages from media and societies have a massive impact on our perceptions of reality, and they really did a number of shaping our views of the world from childhood. Now that we are adults, we have to be AWARE and conscientious of these messages and continue to challenge them and decide for ourselves where our destinies lie.

      2. Also J, I don’t think it’s weird to not want kids nor marriage. I think it’s good that you’re setting your own rules to your life and happiness. We are all different and have different needs. This is why I think the “gay marriage” as a “one size fits all” approach is just misguided at best. We are all different, and this needs to be taken into account.

         1. ^the straights look at me crazy when I say I don’t want cubs.

   3. You went in and let have!!!!!!!! We can take things from communities in which our value may overlap, but we, as the black LGBT cannot rely of these outer communities to have our best interest. We need to build our own spaces so we are so dependent on outer validation. With that, we’ll be ok that we’re not necessarily all over mainstream because we can identify those role models.

      1. Exactly!

10. The extreme urge I feel to type something humorous to deflect away from the reality of the diminished capacity of my life is an indication that this is a *thing* for me. I am profoundly single, and live a solitary existence.

    I reconnected with a really good friend that I had lost touch with for over 15 years who now lives in D.C. and is engaged. ‘Getting to happy’ was a real trail of tears for him, as he was objectified and sexually exploited by many men who saw his physical attributes as the sum total of who he is/was and never sought any real depth of connection with him. He has finally found the one, but now that we’ve re-connected he persistently asks me if I want to be in a relationship. I resent the question, and the chore of answering it differently every time we talk.

    Rather than suffer the superficiality (that I also possess) of same gender loving men, and the social pressure of these types of relationships, I proudly proclaim to anyone who asks about my relationship status that “I am the love of my life, and the best thing that will ever happen to me!” It’s true, but also a deflection. I don’t want to say that I am same gender loving and I struggle to admit it, and also to accept the idea that another man would genuinely love me to the point of commitment. I am more sad than depressed, though I can’t tell the difference.

    My sister in-law sat me down one day and told me it was OK to have a relationship, and that she and my brother wanted that for me. I felt like she walked in on me in the shower, or something. Naked. I really resent that they would decide that it is OK for me, and I have their permission. The whole conversation peeled off the scab of being embarrassingly outed by my cousin, and moving away in shame.

    SHAME is exactly what I feel. Shame is how I live, interact with others and how I move through the world. I am ashamed when people ask about my relationship status, and ashamed that I still don’t have the courage to live and love just as I am (that book by the way made me cry so hard that my nose bled all over the pages). Iwh am self-oppressed by shame, and it has affected the quality of my relationships and life. Whether I am depressed or not, I cannot objectively say or put my finger on it.

    Gratitude for creating the space to unpack. This is indeed a necessary conversation. This issue is compounded by men of color who are same gender loving who are perceived as the poster children of the ’emasculated black man’; another level of victimization that also feeds my shame.

    1. ^this was a such a deep comment that I have absolutely no words.
       thank you for sharing nevets.
       march 5th is the start of a new life and understanding of many.
       i would love if this entry went viral.
       id love to hear from attentionistos as well.
       it shows we all relate whether we like it or not.

       1. “If I can help just one person!” There, I found the humor. We gotta love each other through it.

11. So I’m not the only one!

    1. ^you aren’t!

12. Wow Jamari, this article is everything! It touched on so much and helps to explain why many gay men feel this way. This quote stood out to me: “gay men are, as Keuroghlian puts it, “primed to expect rejection.” We’re constantly scanning social situations for ways we may not fit into them. We struggle to assert ourselves. We replay our social failures on a loop.”

    This is so accurate. For so many of us, we’ve been rejected by family, friends, strangers, potential lovers, etc. (both inside and outside the gay community) and that leads us to expect rejection and disappointment from others just because of our sexuality.

    This also stood out: “All of a sudden it’s not your gayness that gets you rejected. It’s your weight, or your income, or your race. “The bullied kids of our youth,” Paul says, “grew up and became bullies themselves.”

    I also found the discussion about gay porn in the article interesting. Many of us never witnessed gay men living their lives freely in everyday society. This led many to gay porn sites to fulfill any curiosities that we might have had, but as we know gay porn is a fantasy for the most part. Everyone in the films are in shape, well endowed, attractive, etc. It just makes you wonder is this a reason why there’s such an emphasis on sex and the physical attributes of an individual in our community. Great read! Thanks for sharing.

    1. ^YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
       you pointed out all the things in the article that made me cry!!!!!
       it was the truth that we all needed to read!!!

    2. but can we talk about this, I just did an assignment based on nerd culture and how they have become just as bad as those that they felt bullied by. The exclusionary tactics have to truly stop.

13. Reading this was so accurate, my situation right now. New place and new face, finding new genuine article friendship has been so difficult in my late 20s. Everyone thinks i should be thriving, the social butterfly, but i go home and feel more alone then ever.

    Its unfortunate that alot of gay men feel this way, but a little reassuring that im not the only one. Perhaps a sense of hope, that I can friends I can relate to . Let me reiterate, friends and not some f… shit. Lol

    Thanks for sharing the link.

    1. ^you are welcome!
       im happy to see it resonating with everyone.
       we all need to share our struggles because it helps people know they aren’t alone.

14. Is this what I’m experiencing? it all makes sense I thought I was just depressed again I hit those spells but typically they come along after I’ve dealt with analyzing how I’m basically alone in the community.

    I have one solid friend and other acquaintances that aren’t even worth being that. It’s really interesting to note how lonely it feels in the life both in friendships and in trying to find a relationship. Thanks for the article it helped me a lot in not feeling so alone in this feeling.

    1. ^you are welcome!

       yes!
       this is discussion the foxhole been needing!!!

15. Just gone done reading the article and all I can say is WOW. I relate to it and this post so much. I’ve had depression for years not knowing what it was or why I was feeling the way I was. its a variety of things but the loneliness is a big one my circle of friends is very small, I only have one other gay male friend and he’s depressed as well. He’s told me before that him being big and me being fem are the two things the gay community does not want.

    Everything from my low self confidence, to my looks, and my awkwardness are all things I’ve been struggling with but the loneliness is just the topping on a sad cake. Being in therapy, praying, and this site have been the only things helping me through it.

    I love the fact you share your inner most personal thoughts Jamari be it good or bad. They really do help me to know someone else like me in the “life” is feeling the same way. My vixen best friend tries but just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from a lot of times.

    1. ^i thank you mikey for sharing your struggles as well.
       i appreciate just how vocal you are.

       i like to post the wolves i think are fine.
       im still a male,
       but i like to tell the world just what’s going on.
       someone out there is not living the perfect filtered social media existence.
       even those who are living like that aren’t like that either.

       i hope this entry can produce some great comments and be a life changer.
       it came on time for me!

16. I read the article a couple days ago. It certainly shines a mirror back at you. Makes you realize just how badly programmed we are as gay men. We are damaged, and it will take more probing research and frank discussion to find our place in the world.

    1. ^blk…
       you hit the nail on the end.
       i appreciate you for this comment.
       i always thought you were a lone wolf in these streets.
       the “no fucks to give” type that I admire.
       i love you showed me different.

17. Thank you for sharing the link with us.

    1. ^you are welcome!
       i hope it can create great discussion within themselves like it did with me.

       1. Yes it did!

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