I couldn’t help but wonder:
Are we all just sad clowns,
performing for an audience that never truly sees us?

yesterday,
i won’t even hold you but i spent most of the day crying.
i’ve never been one to shy away from expressing about my issues.
it was a struggle for me to get anything done.
lately,
i’ve been feeling like I’m wearing two masks.
one is the one everyone expects…

The smile
The performance
The service
The shoulder
The punching bag
The “I look like I’ve got it all together”
The one to who listens when everyone else ignores
The one who fixes everything and everyone

that mask is easier to put on because it came from years of training.
behind that mask though,
there’s a version of me that’s crumbling.

One that cries alone
Struggling to keep showing up
Wondering how long I can keep pretending
Feeling doom at the state of the forests
Hoping I don’t fall apart when I’m holding on by the seams

it’s funny,
isn’t it?
many of us were trained to put on a show,
to present ourselves as polished and perfect,
even when we’re barely holding it together.

the real me,
the one behind the mask,
feels lost and broken.
i keep asking what is God’s plan for me?

For the last two years,
I have literally been in a circus.
Something doesn’t work,
God leads me to something else,
and then that ends up working worse than the first situation.
Not only that,
Ive been ignored and treated like shit.

nowadays,
i’m torn between the need to keep up the act and the overwhelming urge to just…
let it all fall apart.
is that what life really is?
one long performance where the tears never quite make it past the curtain.

How long can you keep playing the part of the happy clown when your heart just isn’t in the show anymore?

lowkey: i started group therapy on friday again.
i enjoyed when i did it before but hearing other sad clowns did trigger me.
so many people are hiding behind curtains and it’s refreshing to see what’s behind them.