inside jamari fox

for a while,
i thought i was asexual.
not that there is nothing wrong with being asexual,
but in the gay/bi/and tri forests,
fucking randomly and recklessly is almost everyone’s calling card.
the thing is…

i didn’t think i was all the way asexual.

meaning: i love sex and i’m highly attracted to other males,
but i don’t really like hook ups even though i have done them.
i only had one hook up that was amazing but he made is extremely comfortable.

i’m not fuckin in the middle of a sex party
not even getting smashed by some random at the gym
there will be no sex in the champagne room

i’ve had my ho-ish moments in the past,
and tbh a lot of it was trying to be like star fox (RIP),
so i’m not some virgin but i do get turned on by:

the chase
the anticipation
the mental and emotional stimulation
the tension
the teasing
the eye contact
the “we shouldn’t be doing this but i want to do this”

my fantasies run very hot.
i like connections; not proximity.
this is why sex apps never worked for me like others.
so i’ve come to accept…

every week,
i faithfully tuned into “the morning show” for aaron pierre.
now i loved the show already because i love jennifer aniston,
karen pittman,
nicole beharie,
and resse witherspoon,
but i love the whole concept/story line of the show since the 1st season.
aaron pierre being on it added a level of “must see tv” for me.
he wasn’t even in it long but i was always stuck on stupid for his scenes:

like,
what is even this?
as i watched and lost my mind every time he came on the screen,
because a majority of the time he was TV naked,
i was left with a thought…

someone i use to know told me something that lives rent free in my head:

“when you blindly support someone,
or take money to only say/font good things,
when they do something that you don’t agree with,
you will HAVE to continue saying and supporting them.”

this is why i try to stay neutral and objective on The Foxhole,
even with celebs or attentionistos i like/lust.
ever since the file cabinet has started being released,
i see many blind supporting jackals starting to switch sides.
some of these folks however,
like megyn kelly,
have shown us how far she has sold her soul…

there are some us who truly thrive in persecution.

i’m one of those people.
some of you are my people too.

we are underestimated heavy and gotta plop our big dicks on the table.
they see quiet or even insecurities,
but when someone is trying to fuck us because they THINK they have the big pipe…

even if we are on the role of the bottom,
we FUCK BACK.

it starts off slow but then we gotta fuck them back hard for them to get the message.

you gotta fuck them back so hard,
they tell their friends how far you shoved your dick in em.
so when i’m faced with nonsense,
i don’t do the obvious by barking back.
i go quiet; fox quiet.
the kind of quiet where i’m perched and paying attention.
it’s my way of choosing the right path before i react,
along with gathering alliances too.
from the last time i posted,
it’s been a big ol cocktail of…

fonting of whitney,
her voice really comforts me.

before the sun was up this morning,
i got an update about something that defeated me.
this is where panic and anxiety usually comes from for me lately.
as of recent,
i’ve been listening to ariana’s “eternal sunshine: brighter days ahead”.
it’s one of those albums i found much needed comfort in.
this morning tho:

something told me to listen to “the preacher’s wife” soundtrack

sidebar: you wanna know something wild?
i have NEVER watched that movie and i don’t know why.

it was like a ding in my spirit.
i discovered that album really late but ironically enough,
back in 2003,
i would play “step by step” on repeat during difficult times.

i remember one day,
playing it on repeat,
as i laid on the floor and giving all my troubles to God.

so this morning,
i put the album on when i went to the store.
as the songs played,
i felt a peace that i haven’t felt in a long time.
when i got back in,
i was putting the groceries up and this song played:

“the Lord is my shepherd” by cissy houston with hezekiah walker & the love fellowship crusade choir

now i’ve heard this song many times,
but passively listened to the lyrics.
it didn’t stand out to me like “i love the Lord” or “hold on, help is on the way“.
these lyrics stood out to me like no other…

someone shared a story with me recently and i wanted to share it with you.
its for all of those who are going through something,
or maybe you aren’t and like positivity shit.

when we look back in our lives,
we don’t realize things that go wrong help us in the future.

i have experienced shit going wrong and in the present moment,
i won’t even act like i don’t have a meltdown.
i’m asking if i’m cursed or if God hates me.
when i see how it helped or revealed something in the future,
in a few occasions helping me avoid danger,
i learned that maybe it all happened for a reason.
so this story is called,
“maybe” by alan watts,
and “maybe” someone in The Foxhole needed to read this story today…