I had to wonder:
Have I been reliving the same scene over and over,
just swapping out the cast and locations?

i had a therapy session that felt like an earthquake,
shaking up everything i thought i knew.
it actually began with a good friend last week.
last friday,
i was on the phone with her for over 8 hours.
when the conversation flows,
i go with it.
anyway,
i confessed how i wanted to be colder, less warm.
i’ve always been a warm and kinda-ish bubbly person.
many people are drawn to my warmth but then some have turned cold,
leaving me in a whirlwind of confusion and craving their acceptance.

It felt like a scene from my childhood,
with my parentals as the original cast.

my friend asked me…

“Is it acceptance, or are you tired of dealing with inconsistent people?”

and just like that…

something inside me shifted.
it was one of those oprah “a-ha” moments that change your life.
so i sat with that revelation and took the conversation to therapy.

in therapy,
i unraveled that inconsistent people are a trigger for me.
i’ve always shown up,
supported,
written,
cheered on,
given the advice,
texted back,
been the friend,
showed i wanted the dick,
or tried to show that i’m not like the others.
many others,
however,
did not return the same energy when i needed it.
it wasn’t a tit for tat because i genuinely like(d?) people.
i am a a damn good person,
a great friend,
and even greater worker but…

..it’s been very upsetting once you realize you were not as serious to someone else as they were to you.

so because of this,
it made me feel both unsafe and safe.
it made this competitive thing come out where i wanted to be seen as better.
rewind back to: “scenes from my childhood, blah blah blah…”
i’ve been attracted to certain roles in my life that always felt familiar.

The first wolf i ever auditioned for was inconsistent.
his unpredictability,
ghosting,
and emotionally unavailability set the stage for a pattern in my life.
I found myself drawn to other males who acted the same.
Ironically enough,
they all had the same traits as the first one.

Past fake friends would start out warm and then switch up.
even though i was a great and consistent scene partner.
Despite my best efforts,
their script always seemed to change,
leaving me feeling like i was acting in a different play altogether.

At past jobs,
I gave it everything—I was the standout star of the show.
Yet,
it felt like they kept dangling a carrot just out of reach.
My casting directors?
Inconsistent,
unreliable,
and leaving me confused at if i was gonna get the part.
I struggled to play their game because,
frankly,
I started despising the role with them after a while.
Due to my issues with leaving when I’m being taken for granted,
I stuck around longer than i should have.
So what happens next?
I’m fired and they hire a stand in who does half of what I do.

all of those past scenes and cast mates could be switched around tbh.
they all have a starting point and its those from the very beginning i never healed from.
i’ve been stuck in type-casted hell,
getting the same scripts,
repeating the same trauma with different faces and places,
all while playing the same character.
maybe this is what i needed to learn during these incredibly hard times i’m in?

Nothing is better than the underdog.
The one who fell off but comes back with the role of a lifetime.

don’t call it a comeback.
it’s a resurgence.

lowkey: i have been having this incredible urge to drag those who hurt me for filth.
it has been sitting on my spirit to burn everything down.
this might be the moment i’ve realized that my villain era was solidified a long time ago.
i’m still working on the logistics.