we don’t realize when we have fallen into a dark place.
it isn’t until someone points it out that we face that truth.
you can acting one way for the public,
cheery and having a “i’m good” mask on,
but be a whole other way deep inside.
that def has been me tbh.
i’m here to tell you that i’ve been faking it…
i blew tf up about a situation with 2 friends about folks in our friend group.
i went tf off about some shit that went down that i didn’t appreciate.
they have been fuckin’ with someone i’m not fuckin’ with right now.
i don’t care about who they choose to be cool with,
but they’ve been acting really sneaky about it.
they both understood why i’d be upset,
but they had to pull me to the side.
“We can hear the anger inside you J.
You can hear the negativity and bitterness inside you.”
as we talked about it more,
i had to wonder if i was mad at those other friends…
…or mad a whole bunch of other shit thats been happening in my life?
these last 2 months have truly has been a trying situation.
this year has been a piece of work.
some things and people just haven’t been working out in my favor.
i’m either feeling like i’m being ostracized,
or feeling like i wasted my time being interested in someone.
social media is the pits.
you’ll see others you know showing love to everyone but you.
they fuckin’ with others birthdays and big announcements,
but you can’t even get the same type of flowers.
i’ve been forced to see where i stand with some people too.
people say “social media isn’t real“,
but the people you know are real and they’re treating you unreal.
i feel awful for even allowing myself to get to this point.
my “blame myself” is up too high.
after last night,
i woke up feeling insecure about how i may have been coming off.
“What may people think of me?”
so the next thing i want to do is run away and hide,
go into my shell in typical cancer but…
What does that really solve?
i’m confused af today.
i’d really appreciate some kind of advice so i can pull it together.
lowkey: i think i started trying to appeal to the wrong people.
they came off like “friends” and then they dipped.
i miss the high they provided,
but that drug isn’t a good one.
there was a point where i was strictly about the foxhole and doing me.
i think i started trying to be in the radar of the wrong folks.