if you aren’t married and have kids by the time you’re 35, you’re gay af

there comes a point in every male’s life where the questions start rising.

“Why aren’t you married?”

“Why don’t you have kids?”

Why are you single?”

if you’re insecure or not comfortable within your own skin,
this pretty much defines the choices of your life.
if you are someone who is straight,
it adds this pressure to go out and find someone quickly.
so you’ll hook up with some vixen you don’t even like to shut people up.
regardless if you’re treating her like shit,
or cheating on her like it’s going outta style,
it just “looks” good for everyone else.
if you’re gay but curious/dl,
that can really make the paranoia of being labeled “gay” scream at you.
so you know what happens

they go and find someone,
anyone that’s interested in them,
and play “straight” for the cameras and center stage.

they marry this vixen,
have kids with her,
and somewhere down the line realize the charade ain’t working.
it’s never been working but married life tends to do that to ya.
this is why we have all these dl married males running around.
they start feeling suffocated so they go out and be free.
they finally want to live their true lives in their 60s and 70s.
they felt this pressure to live this “straight” life when they never wanted to.

So isn’t this other people’s fault?

people will pre-judge a male for being single after a certain time.
ya’ll make us feel bad for just “being”.
for some males,
they know when they want to settle down.
they don’t need others to remind them they’re single and childless.
as males,
we know when it’s time and who we want to do it with.

This is why post nut clarity is so important to us


our dicks let us know if we want to proceed with someone long-term,
or for one night.

don’t let society’s standards of when you’re supposed to “settle down” destroy you,
even if you’re straight.
settle down where YOU are ready.
that could be 30s,
or even 50s.
it could be never.
it does everyone a disservice to everyone involved.
what’s better?

Getting with a vixen,
playing the “straight” thing,
and ultimately leaving her for another male or “to be gay”?

Getting married,
playing house,
and cheating on her with the actual vixens of your dreams?

taking your time and enjoying life until you feel you’re ready to make big steps?
i’d say the second choice is top tier.
fuck these people and their opinions.
they not gonna be there to help you stop being miserable.
they’ll be talking more shit if it doesn’t work out.

lowkey: i know so many miserable married people or parents who wish they would have waited.
it’s okay to just do you.
people will judge if you’re married or not.
people will talk about you because people like to talk.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

24 thoughts on “if you aren’t married and have kids by the time you’re 35, you’re gay af”

  1. When I was in my early 20’s and 30’s. I felt the pressure to be married w/the house and kids. Even put myself on a timeline. I am now nearing 40 still single, childless. (I realize I like the idea of kids and not the work of raising them.) I’m still finding out who I am. As I didn’t move completely on my own until 36. I am open to love and the even marriage. While, I also know that for right now. I’ve got a lot of inner work to do. I do mean a lot.

  2. It’s very possible to find happiness if you’re single. Given today’s time’s and resources available the sky is the limit. As this pandemic nears the end, divorce rates and travel are going to explode. If you look hard enough I guarantee you’ll find what you’re looking for.

    1. I’ll be thrilled when this pandemic is over and my husband goes back the office. I’m starting to dread the thought of his retirement even though I luv him.

  3. You only have one life to live and it’s about how you want to live it. We care alot about what the other says, usually they’re projecting their own unhappiness unto you. My cousin asks me all the time when I want to get married, and have kids. I respond whose timetable yours or mine. Followup question for the foxhole: is it possible to find eternal happiness being single?

    1. This is a very good question 🤔. Personally for me I don’t think so. Now I’m not saying that having someone or being with someone should DEFINE your happiness because uh no. BUT, on the flip side as humans we’re social creatures by nature so it’s only natural that having someone we’re close to intimately and contently makes us happy and more importantly BRINGS us happiness. You can be happy on your own for sure, but experiencing life with someone by your side doubles that happiness. Imo you can definitely be eternally happy with someone or without (I think this mostly just depends on you as a person though), but I think it can definitely be agreed upon that having someone to experience, share and live life with would make it not only eternal, but pure bliss. Having friends can bring joy so having a partner very understandably doubles those positive virtues you experience with a friend. Even the most introverted person in the world isn’t completely alone.

  4. I love being single, I know a girl who’s been married for 27 years, now she hates her husband , who’s trying to take her to the cleaners, she’s a mess now. Another girl I know married for 20plus years, had kids only to come out as a lesbian. She played the straight roll to please her parents. Too many horror stories for me, marriage ain’t for everyone, and I’m one of those people.

    1. ^ i know a few who did things to appeal to their parents and they regret it.

      people who think marriage and kids complete them often learn a hard lesson.

  5. Read my life…🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️ I think the rumors started when I was in my teens to early 20’s. I’m sure things were said long before. But that’s at least when I started to become aware people were side eyeing me and having secret conversations about it. Plus having a hoe for a father didn’t make it any better. Him and I couldn’t be anymore opposite. I’m glad I never gave into the pressure of marriage and having kids just to appease other folks. Even though I did try to be the best version(s) of me I could be for everyone else in every other way. But I always refused to have kids, get married, or even entertain a heterosexual relationship for the sake of pleasing others. I know this was mostly because I saw and lived the trauma having a father like my own caused. Then add in the overly religious upbringing and the pressures were amplified. I’m surprised I was able to take such a firm stand against those expectations of my family. But to this day people still try to introduce me to women and annoy me with the topic of children. Even those who know what’s up still say I’m in a phase and just haven’t met the right woman yet. It has taken almost a lifetime to undo all that programming and people pleasing. But I’m finally learning to live and just be for me. I have followed this site for a looong time and rarely post. But when I do its always something that hits home for me. Thank you for being a source of inspiration throughout the years. You may never understand how much it means to know you aren’t the only one going through these things.💗

    1. ^loooooove this!

      it takes a strong person to not fall victim to the people pleasing.

      i’m starting to believe some people make decisions based off what people will think.
      everything is based on how we are “perceived” as men.
      someone doesn’t want to get married or have kids shouldn’t be judged.

      first off,
      both of those things are expensive af lol

  6. One of my favorite aspects of being gay has always been the freedom. Don’t get me wrong, I do get a little sad when I see people my age starting families or being in LTR. But, being on the fringe has its benefits. And being a man makes a difference too. We don’t have a biological clock so essentially we can wait longer to start a family without the stress women face. I won’t say I totally judge a man of a certain age without a wife or kids, but it does raise questions lol.

      1. Personally, late 30s to early 40s raises my eyebrows. And honestly, it’s not even the lack of kids or being unmarried exactly. Like, even though Leo Dicaprio hasn’t settled down or had kids, he’s always in a relationship. Usually if a guy seems perpetually single, or if his romantic life is a little too secretive, alarms start going off.

          1. Jamari, it would be great to create a post on how to respond to these unwelcomed dating inquiries and hear how others would respond.

  7. Almost half of all adult black men in the U.S. are single and childless. Folks out here assuming a lot of men are gay who are not.

    I have BM friends 35+ plus who are not married, no kids, and straight, and most of them are that way because they had bad experiences with women who tried to trap them, that cheated on them for a thug, or they attract women who are only around for their income. So they date, they have sexual partners, but won’t commit to any of them because they don’t trust women anymore.

    1. ^its sad that people won’t take that in account.
      they would rather assume a male is gay because he would rather be single than deal with kids.

      someone i know said about a male i know that he got with someone he isn’t really attracted to because he is in his 30s and people will start asking questions.

      that is what makes people insecure tbh.

    2. ^hell even women are made to feel bad about have no kids after a certain time.
      they are called lesbians or asexual.
      it’s really vile.

    3. Exactly…and I have NO qualms about pointing that out to folks who ask. If you can’t handle my answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question. I’ll tell folks in a minute…I don’t have baby mama drama, I can come and go as I please without having to answer to anyone, and I’m H-A-P-P-Y with that! If YOU can’t deal with that…I could care less.
      My cousin told me once, damn you savage. LOL
      People like to assume shyt, and that bothers me. I honestly think that most people in relationships are miserable and want others to be miserable right along with them. I’ve had people say to me, sometimes I envy you. You don’t have to put up with the things most people do because you’re not tied down. Really?! I don’t have time for that foolishness.

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