have you ever just felt angry?
stupid question,
but read me out.
like,
have you ever gotten to your wits end and felt like you wanted to explode?
your emotions can’t stay bottled up any longer so you want to release.
that is where i am now.
when i think of how i got here,
i’m seeing…
my parents and how they emotionally/mentally/physically abused me
their deaths and how i was not prepared for the real world
the amount of folks who took a part in all the stab wounds in my back
i go to recent times:
ww
mi
fake friends
the jobs
unemployment
all these overdue bills
finally,
this fall i took.
the way i can’t stop playing that over in my head,
how scared i felt when i struggled to get up,
and now the healing i’m doing.
today,
someone i’m cool with that has been moving funny sent me a text:
“hey jamari,
how are you feeling?”
they been gallivanting with their new relationship to even give a fuck.
after i fell,
i called to talk because i just needed to get my mind off the pain.
the majority of that conversation was about them.
as soon as i started to mention something about me,
they legit fell asleep on the phone.
so my response was:
“i’m good.
ya know,
i been real disappointed with you.
i need a moment before i respond because i’ll say something i might regret.
i’ll hit you when i’m ready…”
see,
you can’t talk to someone that has hurt you while you are angry.
it’s like…
Taking a gun and shooting at everything but your target
your mouth is lock and loaded,
but you don’t realize the amount of kick back it can have.
i got a text back from them in 2.5 seconds.
sad face emojis and “hurt bunny looks” but in font.
i have a new mouth and don’t know the amount of kick back i’ll have.
i was watching “the gifted” and was really into it.
i didn’t want to interrupt my programming.
i don’t want to shoot and miss the point.
lowkey: fonting about this makes me feel better.
i need to release everything through my writing.
thanks for reading.
Let me tell you, my emotions have been all over the place this holiday season. I am sad one minute, okay another, I am stressed at work and trying to convince myself this dude I like whose emotions and feelings towards me are so damn hot and cold, and it is playing with my emotions, I find myself angry at everything and everybody and I realize I have let him have some power over me because I am really mad at him and mad at myself for knowing better but not doing better. An associate of mine who I was not close to at all passed away a couple days ago and when I found out how he went from a normal life one day to being diagnose with an incurable debilitating disease, and dying so quick, I got sad and depressed thinking damn what if that was me who could I really lean on. I know many people but I dont feel close to anyone, not even close friends or family. It seems like everybody has disconnected from each other and you only hear from people when you can be their shoulder to lean on. I find myself more and more isolated and not even wanting to be bothered. I have several engagements for Xmas but really I could just stay home in the bed and watch Netflix.
Can totally relate. It’s a good thing you didn’t start off spazzing and took a moment. You kind of remind me of myself in that you let a lot slide for the sake of peace and harmony. But when you reach your limit its like a volcano because so much is bottled up.
^im glad i got to this point now.
it can be channeled better than wallowing in it.
Hugo I’m the same way, instead of me nipping stuff in the budd when the small stuff happens I just take it until it’s too much.