FOXMAIL
Dear Jamari Fox,
A few months ago, I was introduced to your blog and instantly became a fan. This is the first black gay blog that I have ever been exposed to and I’m here for it!
I am emailing you to seek your opinion on love. I once believed in love until all my recent encounters with men. I have dated within and out of my race (Black). Dating within my race, I end up with a men who don’t know what it is they want out of relationships, has problems with their masculinity, massive manipulators. Dating outside of my race, I end up with two good healthy relationships but we just did not connect on a cultural level. Personally, I believe it is hella important to have that cultural connection in a relationship.
I don’t think I ask for much in a relationship. I want someone who is honest, supportive, trustworthy, lovable, and someone who is ambitious on reaching success (whatever that looks like for them).
To make a long story short, it has been hit or miss even with the guys close to my age and older. I’m aware the problem could be myself, the people I attract, or both. I don’t want to just give up completely on love but… ????????♂️
I battle with if it is possible to find black gay love? Find someone who doesn’t lie, manipulate, cheat, or intentionally try to hurt you? Maybe you will have some answers for me because I’m sure someone has posed this question before me. Can’t wait to hear your response.
Sincerely,
Leo-da-Hybrid
MY ANSWER…
thank you for the compliment!
so let’s get into it.
A majority of black gay males don’t know what “love” is
out,
in,
kinda out but in,
whatever…
some black gay males are really difficult to love.
why?
we can’t do something some of us never been taught to do.
realistically,
most black gay males come from very toxic and abusive situations.
parents,
other relatives,
and bullies can do a number on us.
we end up attracting what we “know” into our adult relationships.
we have held onto that hurt and expunge it every chance we get.
i often ask myself in regards to the black gay community…
Do black gay males really love each other?
not really.
we have an idea,
but most of us don’t execute it well.
i’ve seen a lot of black gays love tf outta beyonce or nicki.
it’s only because they help some of them tap into that inner “diva”.
that’s fine,
but it’d be nice if we showed that same support to each other tho.
bad enough,
blacks are known as a very “crab in the barrel” culture.
being gay can be much worse in that barrel.
we gotta deal with the straights and other gays pulling us down,
while the others stand above laughing and knocking us down even further.
it’s a lot.
we’ve mastered the art of dragging each other,
or learning how to suck the soul out of a dick,
but most of us lack the traits to truly recognize and give love.
we have it confused with fuckin’ like we love each other.
if you’ve noticed,
being gay means to be very sexualized so that’s how we express “love”.
we express it so much that we end up rode hard and hung up wet too.
so before we start fonting about finding “black gay love”,
the rest of the community needs to get it together.
we would be so powerful if we did.
shame.
reader…
i believe you know what you want,
but the ones you attracted didn’t.
some of the gays in other races have different up bringings,
but they were taught in a bubble and be culturally ignorant.
they gotta pop that bubble and re-learn how their privilege effects “us”.
i hope your “next” will want to experience love with you.
they might need to be taught and open to it.
the walls have to be brought down until they see the light.
many of us are ignorant and need to be led to understanding.
it’s okay.
we all have to start somewhere.
keep your head up and i hope you find what you’re looking for.
love,
jamari fox
We pretty much get the issues facing black gay love in the millennial era. The topic of dating out is an interesting one.
I agree with the writer in that when it comes to dating “others” they tend to be more open with themselves than black men. We tend to hold on to the “strong silent” archetype and it does us NO favors. It’s difficult in getting to know, let alone love, other black men because they are so closed off until its nasty time.
Ironically the best convo I ever had on jack’d was with this cute guy from Singapore. He randomly hit me up and we ended up talking about culture, our food, climate change, and urban development lol. Black men on the other hand…..its like pulling teeth from a fucking hippo smh. Now I’m not saying non-black is better, dudes ain’t shit in any culture. But it’s frustrating when u click more easily with guys not of your culture when black on black should be easier.
I guess I’m saying I’m equal opportunity because I’m not gonna sit around waiting for my “strong black kang” if I click with someone else and it works. Dating is more about luck, location, and timing than anything. Emphasis on luck.
My number one rule: Find a man that can make you smile/laugh at any given time. With me. I like clean cut, handsome men, nice tone and chill and that will catch my eye. The next thing I’ll look for is how he carries himself, talks and acts. Long story short, if you show me you like knowledge or wisdom and attempt to make me laugh, I’ll be interested in knowing more about you.
Personally, and this is just me, I don’t believe in soulmates at all. I believe we all come from one source but can click with many people. It’s like multiple choice with no wrong answer.
I’m a very strong demisexual empath so you wouldn’t get in these undies off the bat anyway. 😂
Keep your head up guys. I am one of the VERY lucky few young black men to who have found it. I didn’t know what love was until he taught me by showing and demonstrating it. The feeling is indescribable to have someone who loves you back, while complimenting each other making each other better. Now I can honestly say I know how to love a dude. It’s not sex, throwing money around, or flaunting it for social media.
Tip: Never date someone who doesn’t have just as much to lose as you do. Delete those apps and leave them bars. You won’t find the good guys there. Be social and open up. Go get a life outside of “gay life.” Go get a hobby. Hit the gym. Join an organization. Surround yourself with positive progressive people. There are plenty of good guys out there.