FOXMAIL
Hey Jamari,
So I hope you’ve been doing good personally and professionally! I haven’t really gotten a chance to read or even comment on the blog. I’m deep in Georgia taking care of my dad who has dementia. I’ve been viewing when I get a chance or time to myself.
I don’t know if you remember us talking but I remember mentioning a guy I dealt with years ago that was addicted to meth. I haven’t spoken with him in years. From time to time, I would call his last known number and leave voicemails and texts in the hopes that we would speak. I’ve been in Georgia since April and even then, I called his phone hoping that I would get him. It was one day last week that I was sitting down and I got a message on A4A by someone who called me by name. It was him. I damn near cried Jamari. He updated his phone number and gave it to me. We talked. I told him about my moving to Florida and wanting to go to Flatbush to speak to his mother (my best friend didn’t think it was a good idea) to ask for him. He told me he’s been going to church with his mother in Brooklyn and he’s been looking for me too. I asked him was he taking care of himself and he said that there’s a lot of things he wants to speak to me about when I do come back to New York. I’m assuming it’s about the drug use. I will say that he sounded less erratic now than he did in the past.
Jamari, let me be perfectly honest. I’ve dealt with men who were more handsome, better off financially, bigger, tighter, and drug free. I don’t know why I feel what I feel for this man, but every man I have ever dealt with cannot compare to him. I love him and have always loved him. He is 2 years younger than me. We would stay in my apartment all weekend watching movies and fucking. We would talk about so many things. But his drug use is what made me stay away from him. The more comfortable he got with me, the more he got open in his use of meth around me. The last time I saw him was either in 2014 or 2015 and I went to his condo in the Bronx. It was a Chinatown traphouse. We were about to mess around but, he needed to take a hit before he could perform. I left abruptly and avoided his calls and texts.
I come back to New York on June 17 and we are supposed to catch up when I get back. I know myself. I know that when I see him, I’m going to hold him and start crying. I have been looking and searching for this man literally for years and I made a promise to myself that I were to ever find him, I can’t let him go. I don’t know why I love him, but he is spiritually familiar to me. Happiness is all I feel when he comes around. I haven’t let go of the hope that I would see him or be with him again, and I feel that life has given me a second chance at happiness with the one that loves me.
Am I making the right decision in inviting this man back into my life or am I setting myself up for an even bigger letdown?
Kind regards,
MY ANSWER…
as much as everyone claims they want this perfect stand up mate,
we are all attracted to messy folks.
even with celebs,
folks will post bail for someone who has a ton of issues and plays the villain.
in our minds,
we want to save that person.
since we are so allegedly “good and pure”,
we think that our ways will rub off on another so we can die the martyr with a clean heart.
sometimes we meet someone who changes their ways and gets their shit together.
other times,
we are stuck on this tilt a whirl of drama until we finally decided to get off.
that is until we have lost our minds,
material possessions,
or the empathy or compassion in our hearts.
some of these folks out here take no prisoners.
reader…
you are in love this person.
you have pretty much decided what you will do.
“I come back to New York on June 17 and we are supposed to catch up when I get back. I know myself. I know that when I see him, I’m goong to hold him and start crying. I have been looking and searching for this man literally for years and I made a promise to myself that I were to ever find him, I can’t let him go.”
that is all the foreshadowing i needed.
sometimes,
our hearts need to be stomped out until we get that closure.
now don’t get me wrong,
this could work out.
he may have truly changed the color of his fur.
he could be on a temporary drug free honeymoon phase tho.
you won’t know until you are around him.
all i know is go into it with your heart not fully open.
don’t give it all away until his actions and choices have proven otherwise.
too much times,
that is how the good hearted ones get burned again and again.
you gotta let them work for it.
i hope you will.
keep me posted reader!
i hope and pray that everything works out in your favor!
love,
jf
This is a lot to unpack here. From my viewpoint, the meet up the two of you have later this month should determine whether you should let him back in your life. Imagine if you were meeting him for the first time, you would naturally feel him out, so you do the same since you have not seen him in years. Even if he tells you he is not on drugs anymore, still treat him with a long handled spoon for a while because he can be using in secret or could relapse later.
Young Brother take it from somebody who has been in the game more than a minute and seen alot, let him go. The Universe has spared you once. Although, I have never been in a serious relationship with someone who uses drugs, I have seen enough friends who are so emotionally drained that I feel I can give you some advice. I have a Str8 friend now who is dealing with someone he cant let go and she is dealing with drug issues. He talked to me a couple of weeks ago about how he at his rope end and he was going to let her go for good because he could not continue to be with her and keep his sanity. Well low and behold, I havent heard from him in some weeks and you guessed it, he is still in the situation, like he cant let her go. I dont know what it is about people who use drugs but they have the most loyal people in their life from parents to lovers who will stand by them until the bitter end. I broke up with someone who used marijuana, I dont even wanna deal with you too much if you drink heavy, but thats just me. Also I have never been on drugs so I have no idea how that addiction can take control of your life and what you may go through. I can only speak from the other side. If you are not ready to bring him back and let him live with you and love him unconditionally no matter what, leave the past in the past and move on. I know it easier said than done, but you never know with someone who is high all the time, when they get sober and come out the fog, did they really even love you and now that they are a new person, do they really want you. If you do decide to meet, try to keep a somewhat open mind and see past your emotional attachment.
I think many gay men find it hard to let go of those who touched our heart because unlike our str8 counterparts, true love does not come around often, so we look past a lot of red flags when we love someone or think they love us. It is time to be realistic however, when it is so hard to deal with a sober gay man, a man with drug issues is whole other level of hardship. You may just want to write him a letter and tell him the good bad and the ugly and all of your feelings about the situation you all were in. Protect your heart at all cost is all I can tell you
^such a wonderful comment tajan.
drugs really tear folks down and apart.
Better him than me.
I can’t fuck with anyone that does cocaine, meth, or even poppers.
A complete no go.
I have unknowingly fucked people who have a drug problem and all of them have ended up dead in their homes and I always wonder what would’ve happened if I had been there when they died and had to explain why I’m there.
Nope.
I’ve met some fine meth users, but another way to curve their addiction I found was to give them poppers. I personally don’t understand PnP, and have tried other illicit drug, all i just need is a sexy guy to make me hard!