So I hope you’ve been doing good personally and professionally! I haven’t really gotten a chance to read or even comment on the blog. I’m deep in Georgia taking care of my dad who has dementia. I’ve been viewing when I get a chance or time to myself.
I don’t know if you remember us talking but I remember mentioning a guy I dealt with years ago that was addicted to meth. I haven’t spoken with him in years. From time to time, I would call his last known number and leave voicemails and texts in the hopes that we would speak. I’ve been in Georgia since April and even then, I called his phone hoping that I would get him. It was one day last week that I was sitting down and I got a message on A4A by someone who called me by name. It was him. I damn near cried Jamari. He updated his phone number and gave it to me. We talked. I told him about my moving to Florida and wanting to go to Flatbush to speak to his mother (my best friend didn’t think it was a good idea) to ask for him. He told me he’s been going to church with his mother in Brooklyn and he’s been looking for me too. I asked him was he taking care of himself and he said that there’s a lot of things he wants to speak to me about when I do come back to New York. I’m assuming it’s about the drug use. I will say that he sounded less erratic now than he did in the past.
Jamari, let me be perfectly honest. I’ve dealt with men who were more handsome, better off financially, bigger, tighter, and drug free. I don’t know why I feel what I feel for this man, but every man I have ever dealt with cannot compare to him. I love him and have always loved him. He is 2 years younger than me. We would stay in my apartment all weekend watching movies and fucking. We would talk about so many things. But his drug use is what made me stay away from him. The more comfortable he got with me, the more he got open in his use of meth around me. The last time I saw him was either in 2014 or 2015 and I went to his condo in the Bronx. It was a Chinatown traphouse. We were about to mess around but, he needed to take a hit before he could perform. I left abruptly and avoided his calls and texts.
I come back to New York on June 17 and we are supposed to catch up when I get back. I know myself. I know that when I see him, I’m going to hold him and start crying. I have been looking and searching for this man literally for years and I made a promise to myself that I were to ever find him, I can’t let him go. I don’t know why I love him, but he is spiritually familiar to me. Happiness is all I feel when he comes around. I haven’t let go of the hope that I would see him or be with him again, and I feel that life has given me a second chance at happiness with the one that loves me.
Am I making the right decision in inviting this man back into my life or am I setting myself up for an even bigger letdown?
i got an interesting package from a reader i wanted to share.
one of the toughest decisions to make in life is your career.
from what you want to do after college.
what will make you happy and fulfilled.
you can spend many years in college and never use the degree you chased.
hell i know a few college grads who i’m making more money than.
…and that ain’t even a lot.
so when i got this f0xmail,
i wanted to share because i understand the struggle…
Continue reading “f0xmail: What I’ve Realized About Myself and The Career I’ve Chosen”
I just saw your most recent post and had to share what I’ve been up to lately. Sooo much has transpired that I’d be blogging for years, but I’ll skip to the good nuggets.
Through some random chain of events, I ended up in a committed situation and I realized I wasn’t ready. I guess I wasn’t as into him as I should’ve been either,but I just wasn’t ready to put the time and effort in. I have so much on my plate as far as successfully changing career fields and finding a better living situation and just taking my life to the next level altogether. I felt overwhelmed and trapped almost immediately. Luckily, I think dude fell in love with his perception of me rather than who I actually was.
I found myself in this vicious cycle where I’d be into dudes who weren’t even half as interested in me and I found myself being their entertainment. I realize now it was because I wasn’t living up to my potential and getting my own plans in motion. I was too accessible. Too eager.
I’m currently back in school with plans of entering an accelerated program that can have me in my new career field in a little over a year and I refuse to let a single dude distract me from accomplishing this. I am not concerned about meeting anyone until after I move into my spacious loft overlooking my city with a job I love around the block.
I feel a great sense of renewal not always yearning for someone to complete me or somehow make my life a million times better. I can say that in all honesty, rather than as a defense mechanism to hide some deep sense of loneliness.
Today, I decided to hit the grocery store after work and I happen to see an two extremely good looking dudes I went to college with that became a couple recently. Both tall, brown skinned, with nice smiles. I glanced at them for a minute and I felt…nothing. No tinge of envy, no questions “Why isn’t that me?”, and no sense of inadequacy. I’ve evolved from that. I know my main focus is myself at the moment and If I choose to have what they have in the future, I can do that if it’s for me.
i was going to ask if her album was any good.
i was kinda iffy on downloading it,
but i wanted to.
this coming from the person who was iffy about britney.
i own all her albums.
i was even researching reviews and everything.
well why come when i woke up today,
i woke up to this:
I know you are a fan of good music and no this isn’t my mix tape or something like. I came across Ariana Grande album “truly yours”. The girl that sings “The Way” with Mac Miller This album is a good one. Figure I share. Feel better homie.
how good is that?
i sooooooooooo want to thank my f-bi for this!!!!
i really appreciate it and i’m listening now as i type this.
as soon as i prayed randomly last night,
some other things just “happened” as the night went on.
i guess god wanted to show me he is here.
well thank you for finally showing me.
lowkey: sounds pretty good with the first couple songs.
she reminds me of a young mariah circa “daydream”.
I dropped you a note a few months back praising your site – and Im just here again to show you some love. My boy was just sentenced to 4 years for some bullshit assault he got himself involved in over a year ago. we have been writing back and forth – im just trying to help him keep his head up and not let his guard down. ANYWAY…I just read your piece from a few weeks back on “are you a fighter” im definitely going to make a copy of that and send it to him. Weve been friends for over 25 years and this piece of writing should awaken his soul.
Just thankful for your words and all that you are doing.
i always appreciate the love.
i love the emails.
it keeps me going especially when things get dark in my world.
it just takes an email like this one to make the sun come out…