f0xmail: I Don’t Know “What” I Am! Help!



I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess I am.

So I’ve been a follower of your blog for about six months and I have to say I love it! It’s taught me a lot about the gay community and specifically the black gay community and their issues. You really seem like a friend in my head! I’m a young African American male. I’m from baytown, Texas (small town 45 minutes outside of houston) I’m eighteen years old and I’m not sure if I am gay or straight. Growing up I always knew I was different but I always had an attraction for girls.I love the arts. I love operas, musicals, ballets, etc. Even my music is different from most teenage black boys. ( I don’t like a lot of hip hop) My three top singers are Ella Fitzgerald, Phyllis Hyman, and Rachelle Ferrell. I know weird right! I’m pretty old school with my music! I also fell in love with the Harlem renaissance. You east people have so much wonderful  history that I admire and adore!

My dream is to become a sports and entertainment lawyer, own my own law firm and own my own sports team( even though I’m not a sports fan) lol ( sports is an untapped market and I would love to start tapping! Lol) I really like that you’re into the whole entertainment field because that’s what I want to go into myself. I would like to attend Howard university and work in the DC and New York area and then expand to the Los Angeles area later down the line. I also want to become a billionaire one day. Also I come from two lower working middle class parents who worked hard to get me where I am today.

Anyway, when I was in the eighth grade I went on a school field trip and I had to stay in a room with two other boys. One boy had on pajama pants and I looked at his butt and got an erection. I was so embarrassed that I refuse to sleep in the same bed with him. I had NEVER had ANY sexual or intimate feelings for boys. Before that I was watching straight porn and looking at women’s breasts. After that incident, I started to experiment with gay porn to try it out. I have been addicted to porn for four years now. I use to watch both straight and gay porn but I know I only watch gay porn now. I told my dad that I had experimented with gay porn and he was ok with it. But then a few months he saw a link to gay porn on my computer and he told me that he “didn’t play that gay shit” I was upset but I got over it.  He said “this is the last time we will discuss this”. My dad is not a religious person but he is a homophobe. I’ve never dated a girl or even kissed a girl before. I’m also a loner. I was also bullied in school and boys called me gay and other hurtful things. I’ve never been popular. I only have two friends and one is my grandma.

Lol I know that sounds pathetic! Lol but she truly is my best friend. I also tried to commit suicide at one point. I was confused at one point and I “came out” to her and she was totally ok with it. She gave a big hug and embraced me. But now I’m thinking that I’m bisexual. I’m still attracted to girls. So I want  to know if you think I’m gay or bi sexual? As you can see I have big dreams but I get so upset and depressed when I think about my sexuality. I’m still addicted to porn (I watch more gay porn) and that brings me down too.

Please help Mr. Jamari! Thank you


well hello…
tumblr_lvft74l8J81qg64aho1_500thank you so much for the compliments.
they mean so much.
you have certainly come to the right place in my foxhole.
get comfortable…

now can i be real with you?
at 18 years old,
i was absolutely terrified and extremely homophobic.
so i grew up with religious and judgmental parents who had a lot to say about gays.
then when i turned on tv,
i was bombarded with images of extremely feminine gay men.
then in person,
all i saw was messy feminine gays who made it an effort to destroy lives.
at school.
on the streets.
i wasn’t that person so it was hard for me to relate.
i felt alone.
always wondering if god was punishing me for liking men.
i kept saying to myself:

“is this what i have to be in order to be gay?”

i knew the guys i was attracted to were masculine,
played sports,
but i didn’t think they were gay at all.
so i messed with vixens to keep up an image amongst friends,
pretty vixens at that,
but i was couldn’t deny how hard i got looking at the wolves i wanted.
my teenage years was very uncomfortable for me.
i constantly felt suicidal and just over it all.
i remember praying for god to either kill me or make me straight.
well god brought star fox into my life soon after.
he showed me that you can be gay,
and discreet.
he also showed me that the same wolves i thought were straight
well yeah not so much.
i started messing with the wolves i wanted.
the ones i thought were “straight”.
as i maneuvered through the life,
i started becoming comfortable within me.
i even started meeting feminine gays who were kind and not about that messy life.
things just happened as soon as i started asking questions.

the point i’m trying to make is that you are 18 years old.
you don’t know who you are yet.
these questions you have are completely natural.
from the sound of your letter to me,
you want more for yourself.
those dreams mean you have to go to college.
college is where you will experiment and see what you like.
you have to mess with a vixen to really tell if you are bisexual.
you might slide your pipe inside her and realize:


“yeah not feelin’ this”

you will meet various types of gays as well.
you will find where you belong as you start to evolve into who you are.
i can’t tell you who you are.
only YOU will know once you get out there.
so understand you are attracted to men.
enjoy whatever porn you like.
don’t be scared if you get hard when you see a fat ass.
its the process of finding yourself,
but the process is fun.
the exploring and discovering is actually amazing.
for me it was hell,
but i can say it wouldn’t have brought about my site if i didn’t.
 asking me was the first step on a very long staircase.
different floors.
different people with different experiences who reside on them.
maybe even the person you will fall in love with.
or vixen.
hope this helped!

jamari fox

13 thoughts on “f0xmail: I Don’t Know “What” I Am! Help!

  1. Hey Jamari on days when you are feeling down and out and just cant take another step forward I hope you will remember this particular letter from this young man. Not blowing your head up or anything but to be able to have the reach you do and to be able to help someone along the way like you do is so powerful to me. This young man is going to be just fine, I can see he is focused and determined. College man I would encourage you to hold on and trust your core instincts and values, the little small voice it will never lead you wrong, but you must listen even when others are trying to steer you in a different direction. Those people who bullied and laugh at you will one day bow down and want to be in your presence. I am a little older, hell probably older than most who post here, and I have had my fair share of bumps and bruises along the way in this journey called life, but this site has helped me tremendously, and I get so much insight from the young, old, gay and str8 that post here and if you have found the foxhole just go through the archives, we have pretty much covered gay life 101 and 102, you can pretty much get a Master’ s Degree. Again, Jamari, I hope you never forget your impact, I know you may wanna be famous and all LOL, but trust me God is using you to touch others literally all over the world, your voice is powerful, if it never brings you fame and riches, it will bring you joy and satisfaction, feelings that money or fame cant buy.

    Sorry for being a Stan tonight but if I had a resource like this when I was 18, I may be in a much better place today in regards to my dealings in this lifestyle. Keep speaking truth, because for every letter you get, there are probably a 1000 people benefiting from your perspective who you helped.

    1. @tajan thank you so much for your motivating words! It all means a lot to me!

  2. There is an organization in Houston called Hatch Youth.It’s for young people 13-20 who are LGBT or Questioning.It provides you with a support group of peers who are dealing with the same questions,feelings,etc.Please Google” Hatch Youth” and Stay Strong.

  3. I’m in Houston.There is a great organization called Hatch Youth .Its for LGBT and Questioning young people.I believe 13-20 years old.A lot of young gay men hookup with much older men because the men their age are not”out”.I like this organization HATCH because there are young people in your peer group who can serve as a support system.Every year they also have a prom for the young people.They just had it last month.Please Google Hatch youth in Houston and check out their website

  4. Jamari, I like your advice. I’d just add a few things: 1. Before having sex with a man or a woman, study up on sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. Go to the health clinic or go online and Google about transmission of STDs, including HIV. Read about PEP. Read about PREP. Have a game plan to protect yourself from STDs, including HIV before having sex with anybody!
    2. Do much research as well on pregnancy and pregnacy prevention and follow the same research methods as described above for STDs, including HIV.
    3. Are you heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual? Google “The Kinsey Scale of Sexuality”. Read that and research that. You should be aware that your sexuality (whether you are heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual) may take a while (perhaps months or years) to settle down and for you to determine the nature of your sexual orientation and you should be aware that 25% of heterosexual men have a same-sex sexual experience such that you have an orgasm by the age of 25. Others may differ but I think it would be a shame if you got married to a woman, had children and then years later determine that you’re really gay. Similarly, I think it would be sad if you got into a relationship with a man, perhaps married him and then years down the road determined that you’re really straight. Take your time and do it right. My suspicion is that it won’t take you long to determine if you’re heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual. Your mind and body will tell you what you want, what you’re comfortable with and where you stand.
    4. Since your father is homophobic, needless to say your research and experimenting must be kept from him.
    5. If you contemplate suicide again, you may want to seek professional help. Frankly, you may want to seek professional help before you contemplate suicide again.

  5. If you take law courses…study and excel in contracts! Entertainment/sports industry…that’s their bread and butter. If you want to take that route…becoming a paralegal can help you get your foot in the door!

  6. Lil brother! Thank you for taking a bold step to speak to someone about your feelings. It shows a sign of maturity that you would reach out to get some perspective from someone you trust.

    I remember being in your same situation around your same age…thinking could I be bisexual? Many heartaches and much soul searching later…the answer is yes I am indeed bisexual. Sexual orientation is in the brain not the “porn” you watch.

    You mentioned that you are addicted to porn and that you had been so addicted for four years. I want to encourage you to reduce the amount of porn you watch. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. Over masturbation is real and can cause performance anxiety, weak erections, penile shrinkage, and difficulty finding connection with a partner. Don’t take my word for it, google over masturbation.

    As far as your goals, I would encourage you to reach out to professionals in the sports and entertainment law to possibly find someone that you can talk to from time to time about your plan of study and the kinds of internships that work that would be most beneficial to your goals and aspirations.

    In terms of attending HU, it’s a great school. I didn’t attend there but because I’m in the city and know several people who have matriculated there, I can say it’s a good choice.

    Last bit of advice, since you might end up here, there are many Black organizations that might help affirm you and support you as you discover yourself. Cleo Manago’s Black Men’s Exchange is here. While I don’t know that organization, I am very familiar with his work. You can find him on social media and YouTube as well.

    Best of luck!

    Good advice Jamari!

  7. Just have fun and explore, and don’t be one of those dudes who have sex with a gender repeatedly and still claim to not have a title. I do not like those types. Bang men for years and still claim to be finding themselves. Don’t put pressure on yourself and do what comes naturally. Act on what you feel.

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