I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess I am.
So I’ve been a follower of your blog for about six months and I have to say I love it! It’s taught me a lot about the gay community and specifically the black gay community and their issues. You really seem like a friend in my head! I’m a young African American male. I’m from baytown, Texas (small town 45 minutes outside of houston) I’m eighteen years old and I’m not sure if I am gay or straight. Growing up I always knew I was different but I always had an attraction for girls.I love the arts. I love operas, musicals, ballets, etc. Even my music is different from most teenage black boys. ( I don’t like a lot of hip hop) My three top singers are Ella Fitzgerald, Phyllis Hyman, and Rachelle Ferrell. I know weird right! I’m pretty old school with my music! I also fell in love with the Harlem renaissance. You east people have so much wonderful history that I admire and adore!
My dream is to become a sports and entertainment lawyer, own my own law firm and own my own sports team( even though I’m not a sports fan) lol ( sports is an untapped market and I would love to start tapping! Lol) I really like that you’re into the whole entertainment field because that’s what I want to go into myself. I would like to attend Howard university and work in the DC and New York area and then expand to the Los Angeles area later down the line. I also want to become a billionaire one day. Also I come from two lower working middle class parents who worked hard to get me where I am today.
Anyway, when I was in the eighth grade I went on a school field trip and I had to stay in a room with two other boys. One boy had on pajama pants and I looked at his butt and got an erection. I was so embarrassed that I refuse to sleep in the same bed with him. I had NEVER had ANY sexual or intimate feelings for boys. Before that I was watching straight porn and looking at women’s breasts. After that incident, I started to experiment with gay porn to try it out. I have been addicted to porn for four years now. I use to watch both straight and gay porn but I know I only watch gay porn now. I told my dad that I had experimented with gay porn and he was ok with it. But then a few months he saw a link to gay porn on my computer and he told me that he “didn’t play that gay shit” I was upset but I got over it. He said “this is the last time we will discuss this”. My dad is not a religious person but he is a homophobe. I’ve never dated a girl or even kissed a girl before. I’m also a loner. I was also bullied in school and boys called me gay and other hurtful things. I’ve never been popular. I only have two friends and one is my grandma.
Lol I know that sounds pathetic! Lol but she truly is my best friend. I also tried to commit suicide at one point. I was confused at one point and I “came out” to her and she was totally ok with it. She gave a big hug and embraced me. But now I’m thinking that I’m bisexual. I’m still attracted to girls. So I want to know if you think I’m gay or bi sexual? As you can see I have big dreams but I get so upset and depressed when I think about my sexuality. I’m still addicted to porn (I watch more gay porn) and that brings me down too.
Please help Mr. Jamari! Thank you
now can i be real with you?
at 18 years old,
i was absolutely terrified and extremely homophobic.
so i grew up with religious and judgmental parents who had a lot to say about gays.
then when i turned on tv,
i was bombarded with images of extremely feminine gay men.
then in person,
all i saw was messy feminine gays who made it an effort to destroy lives.
on the streets.
i wasn’t that person so it was hard for me to relate.
i felt alone.
always wondering if god was punishing me for liking men.
i kept saying to myself:
“is this what i have to be in order to be gay?”
i knew the guys i was attracted to were masculine,
and played sports,
but i didn’t think they were gay at all.
so i messed with vixens to keep up an image amongst friends,
pretty vixens at that,
but i was couldn’t deny how hard i got looking at the wolves i wanted.
my teenage years was very uncomfortable for me.
i constantly felt suicidal and just over it all.
i remember praying for god to either kill me or make me straight.
well god brought star fox into my life soon after.
he showed me that you can be gay,
he also showed me that the same wolves i thought were straight…
well yeah not so much.
i started messing with the wolves i wanted.
the ones i thought were “straight”.
as i maneuvered through the life,
i started becoming comfortable within me.
i even started meeting feminine gays who were kind and not about that messy life.
things just happened as soon as i started asking questions.
the point i’m trying to make is that you are 18 years old.
you don’t know who you are yet.
these questions you have are completely natural.
from the sound of your letter to me,
you want more for yourself.
those dreams mean you have to go to college.
college is where you will experiment and see what you like.
you have to mess with a vixen to really tell if you are bisexual.
you might slide your pipe inside her and realize:
“yeah not feelin’ this”
you will meet various types of gays as well.
you will find where you belong as you start to evolve into who you are.
i can’t tell you who you are.
only YOU will know once you get out there.
so understand you are attracted to men.
enjoy whatever porn you like.
don’t be scared if you get hard when you see a fat ass.
its the process of finding yourself,
but the process is fun.
the exploring and discovering is actually amazing.
for me it was hell,
but i can say it wouldn’t have brought about my site if i didn’t.
asking me was the first step on a very long staircase.
different people with different experiences who reside on them.
maybe even the person you will fall in love with.
hope this helped!