18 thoughts on “I Don’t Fit Into The Gay Life”

1. I think many of these comments, especially the ones about “fluidity’ and “adaptability”, align with the disdain for heteronormativity. The great thing about being gay men is that we aren’t stuck in the man/woman gender binary in our gender expressions or sexual roles (straight people aren’t either but that’s their problem).

2. I have no doubt that this blog is read by thousands of young brothers trying to come to terms with who they are, what they like and what life they want to live. They should know that there are no limits to the answers to those questions. “But which one is the girl?” is a question they will hear and even ask. The answer is neither. Create your own rules, stay open to as many possibilities as you can imagine. Consider that “I am a bottom” and “I like the feel of a dick in my ass” are not the same statement. Both are entirely acceptable. But, one sounds like a statement of identity while the other is merely a preference. Don’t let anybody else choose for you. Do you. Categories are prisons people choose. You will find that some people break out of prison in order to find new shackles. Don’t be that person unless it fulfills you to do so. There are no rules, only what you want and what you can agree to with someone else. Be strong enough to embrace your freedom completely.

3. I’m too lazy to buy into trends.
   I like to keep my life as simple as possible.

4. In The Deep South being Black and Gay until very recently and in some places still can mean your life. Except for Major cities and some other countries, we for all practical purposes have been invisible. In Major cities in the 20’s and 30’s it was underground. That is when The Red and Pink Tie or Red/Pink Carnations became identifying symbols in certain areas of night life. Down South it was very risky. But for some reason feminine men were more excepted, talked about but excepted in certain roles. Terms used were “Artistic, Musical, Tailors, Hair Dressers, etc. And Real Men Tipped at night. Of course every church preached a Sodom and Gomorrah sermon at least one a month. For a lot of us that were just regular boys but different had serious Identity problems.
   The thought process in my home town was if you don’t want a women and you like men you must want to be a woman. Well I was not like that!! LOL.. We are considered a minority with in a minority that is also searching for an identity. The freedoms we have today are very new, and they come with baggage for a lot of us because we still live in a Pink and Blue society. Let them be, they may or may not catch up, some people need labels, A Free man does not. As you said Jamari, You can only be you!
   Don’t take on other peoples baggage and let no one define you but you. I am a Black Man that Loves Black Men period. I am a Black Man!!

   1. I agree.
      I’m from the south myself.
      you kind of play a role to keep from being founded out.
      is it right? no.
      but that’s how the game is play,

5. The whole gay community bottom shames, it’s rooted in misogyny/homophobia

6. TaureanLuv and Jamari Fox: Do you. Jamari Fox wrote “even if someone chooses to live this “heterosexual norm”,
   it’s called a choice”. I want to correct you to state that we don’t choose your sexual orientation (heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, etc) or sexuality (top, bottom, versatile, etc.). Our sexual orientation or sexuality chooses us! Google the Kinsey Scale of Sexuality and look here: https://www.govst.edu/uploadedFiles/Academics/Colleges_and_Programs/CHHS/Departments/Addictions_Studies_and_Behavioral_Health/Kinsey%20Scale.pdf

7. Good post it’s all about doing you. I think a lot of it stems from ” don’t judge a book by its cover”. In this community we tend to praise tops and shame bottoms or tell a hybrid they should be leaning on one side or the other more.

   We act like tops have to be masculine or be big dicked gods or act like bottoms are just fat booty feminine men. In this community masculinity is a tribute to straight acting and the minute a guy has a little bit of an effeminate quality he’s casted out or talk down upon, hell it’s been done on this blog plenty of times.

   Liking what you like or doing what you want to do it’s not a problem if you want to be a fox, wolf, or hybrid just do you, but while you’re doing you give other people the same respect and don’t just automatically jump to assumptions based on what you see or based on what their role is. There is no one right way of thinking in this world it kills me when people don’t understand something and instead of researching it ( just about everyone has access to google) or being open minded to at least see things from a different point of view they automatically discard it and decided to remain ignorant.

   1. “but while you’re doing you give other people the same respect and don’t just automatically jump to assumptions based on what you see or based on what their role is”

      Very well said. And you’re right, the judgment has been done on this blog in the comments, often too, which I think is odd tbh. One would think that we’d all know better, but clearly that’s not the case.
      Consideration in the things that we say can go a long way and make the difference.

8. Long story short LIVE AND LET LIVE!!! I don’t think i’ve ever agree with you that much. I totally feel you on this as a fox, as gay, as black as a person. DO YOU!!! If you are 100% fox be a proud fox, if you’re 100% wolf be a proud wolf, be hybrid, be masculine, be feminine, if you wanna be delivert and gay no more, go ahead, be what the fuck you wanna be. I know i’ve already said that, but i think the problem people have with fox is because the equate gay couple to straight couple, so they transpose their misogynistic view of the woman being the weak sex on foxes. So for black men who have that society view of masculinity forced on them, you can’t be happy to be a fox, you can’t be happy to be the weak one, you’re a MAN, a man is strong, so you can’t be a proud fox, at least be verse. It’s all because the black community is a phallocracy, so paternalistic.

   It’s twice a shame though because as black and as gay, we know what discrimination really is, all and each of us had experience it at least once, so i don’t get how we can be so judgmental. It doesn’t bother me if you’re a top so why it’s a big deal if i’m a bottom? It doesn’t bother me if you masculine aka “passing straight” (although there are super feminine 100% straight men, but anyway) so why are you mad because i’m feminine? “You’re such a cliché, you’re too flamboyant, you only take it in the ass you’re not really a man, you’re a stereotype…”. Stereotypes are not wrong, just incomplete, so if you don’t fit in feel free to be something else.

   There’s nothing wrong with being a 100% bottom, verse bottom, verse, verse top, 100% top. There’s nothing wrong with being Emmett Honeycutt or Brian Kinney or everthing inbetween. People need to stop shaming people just because they don’t look or do like them.

9. Don’t let another person’s insecurities rub off on you. What YOU like is what YOU like! Let them deal with their labels. I had a conversation once with an ignorant dude, who was actually another friend of my best friend, and he took exception to the fact that I liked women as well as men. He said there’s no such thing and I’m just fooling myself because dick is my real preference. It took everything I had to not punch the shyt out of him. Although I think that he was just trying to get under my skin, because he didn’t like the fact that our mutual friend I were really close.

   So I POLITELY told him (because I wasn’t going to let him see me go ghetto on his ass) that I messed with women way before I messed with a dude. Not that I owe you an explanation, but I did not even mess with another guy until my late twenties, and HE pursued me. When I mess with a guy, I don’t mess with women at that time…and vice versa. Now if you can wrap your narrow mind around that, then we are good. Something tells me you can’t though, so I just wasted my breath.

   So again…it goes back to doing what is good for YOU. Don’t worry about what others say/think. They don’t pay your bills or provide you with a paycheck.

   1. I’ve encountered this to a lesser extent when I tell people i’m verse. Some of the gays always say “oh he’s just an undercover bottom” or any other thing to discredit what I said. No nigga i’m verse. And furthermore, if I was a bottom, why would I have to be undercover. There’s no shame in it so i’m confused as to why people say such crazy shit. It’s like they’re projecting their insecurities onto you, and when they realize you don’t fit into their little box it’s a problem. I don’t get it….

      1. ^and their box usually has a ton of shit inside of it.

   2. ^i love your response.
      i really do.

10. Good topic J. I’m glad you are living your truth and I wish more people would do the same. Conforming to hetero norms is hard for me to grasp, tho. I consider myself a hybrid, so there are times I’m very dominant and other times i’m more submissive. It just depends on my mood and what the situation calls for. I enjoy being fluid and adaptable. It takes alot of weight off my shoulders because I don’t always have to act a certain way or be a certain thing. People have layers. People are complex. Life is not black and white. Theres a lotta grey area. I choose to embrace the grey.

    1. ^apple vs android
       chocolate vs vanilla
       candles vs flashlight

       that is how you choose to live t.
       no one is saying it’s wrong,
       but what you do is not how someone else does.
       there is a whole group of “us” with different ways to live.
       that is how we have stories to tell and experiences to share.
       if we were all the same,
       wouldn’t that be boring?

       1. Yes life would be boring. That’s the point I was trying to make. I’m not wrong for being the way I am and you aren’t either. I think we have issues because we’ve adopted an “us” against “them” mentality. What works for me, may not work for everybody else, and I’m ok with. I work really hard to be thoughtful when I give my opinion because I don’t want other people to to think that I think what I’m saying is LAW.. Because it’s not. It’s just an opinion

    2. Agreed Taurean! I like fluidity and adaptability as well!

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