Own your shit.

i’ve been working hard to own my shit…

I don’t know how I would even feel…

if i walked into my home and saw or someone had to break the news to me…

That the partner that I prayed for…

…was dead because he decided to delete himself.
i’m a very strong and resilient person but i can’t even imagine how that would fuck me up.
i would be left with so many thoughts and questions…

I got something that I didn’t realize until yesterday when I was in sudden pain.

it all started with an itch…

How do you grieve someone you weren’t supposed to love?

I knew he was married.

I knew when I saw Hot Rod with PRK,
I felt something was off with him.

what they don’t tell you about being a porn star is…

Some folks aren’t as strong as they seem.

they don’t tell you about is the wear and tear on your body and soul.
they don’t tell you about the drugs to make it more bearable also.
many aren’t actually sex-positive or slut-strutting shame-free.
many are drowning in severe mental health issues.
like the entertainment industry,
you’re fed to the vultures once the porn industry is done with you.
a little Foxie sent me an update about hot rod,
a veteran in black gay porn.
someone spotted him at a train station in new yawk and…

there is light within the darkness if you really look for it.
it’s no secret i’ve expressed that these past few years have broken me.
i feel like i’ve had to be broken into a thoughts pieces to put myself back together.
this time,
i get to do it in my liking and not what others may accept of me.
this morning,
i had a thought about the people who’ve slipped away from my life.
those i was once close to,
or those i hoped to reconnect with,
but it never happened.
a random thought downloaded into my spirit this morning.
i felt the urge to text a good friend what i felt and i wanted to share it here…