i’ve realized that i’ve spent my entire life performing for family,
“friends”,
jobs,
and of course,
wolves i really liked.
the forest was my stage and everyone was my audience but in reality:

the more i performed; the less i found myself being accepted and respected.

many people didn’t stick around as much effort as i put in.
once they left,
i still found myself performing for their approval.
i wanted people that don’t even matter to still see me in some way.
it caused me to be consumed by the dark arts of the performance,
all the while making me doubt myself in where i stand in my life if i wasn’t “the star”.
as i have been healing many parts of me that are broken…

how do two people grow up in the same orbit,
but end up speaking completely different emotional languages?
i asked cousin hybrid that exact question yesterday.
his answer…

sometimes,
we can handle the harassment and bullying.
you don’t even need to be a public figure:

Imagine how it is for many people at work being bullied and harassed by bosses?
Feeling weak and hopeless because that is how you make money.
It’s not like you can escape because you need that job to survive,
along with the fact it’s hard to find a job atm.

when people catch you during difficult times in your life,
that is when it can really enhance mental health issues.
depression turns into a black hole with thoughts of final answers.
the following is when i nearly un-alived myself over online bullying…

*This post contains discussion of suicide, suicidal thoughts, and/or self-harm. Please take care of your mental and emotional well-being before proceeding. If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. Help is available:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US): Dial 988
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• International resources: www.befrienders.org

This content is shared for awareness, reflection, and healing—not to glorify, encourage, or trivialize mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised...

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i was fonting with that wolf i met in the group chat the other night.
he asked me:

“With everything you went through,
are you ruthless with the way you are with people?
I am.
If someone does anything to hurt me,
I go off.”

my response…

a season of ghosting,
or aka season of isolation,
is not the kind where you just need a weekend to recharge.
it’s the kind that sneaks up after a breakup,
a major disappointment,
job loss,
or losing someone you love.
suddenly,
you don’t feel like doing anything or being around anyone.
this season can last days,
weeks,
and sometimes,
it can last for even years.
i accepted that i’ve been in my ghosting era for a while now…

How are you doing?

waits for you to font me how you are doing
i get it.
i totally get it.
we are living in strange times and every day,
we get a fresh headline of a new executive order or some other fuck shit.
you start thinking about your job security,
your future,
your past,
and that pesky question:

“How bad is it going to get?”

it’s making it’s way downtown and its walking fast.
i can font things will be fine but honestly:

I don’t know.
i truly don’t know.

here is the truth in full font.
ready?…