Have you ever been told you’re not doing enough for God?

someone hit me with that last night,
and let me font you,
that shit didn’t sit right with me.

WTF does God want me to do?

i go to church,
pray,
and give gratitude for the big and small things.
i could understand if i was out here being evil and karma was out to get me.
believe or not,
i choose kindness over being a feral bitch 98% of the time.
am i supposed to sign some celestial contract in blood?
the wild part is if that was the case,
i’d be living like a king.
it’s moments like this where the whole “God thing” feels…

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to walk through life with the confidence of a straight, white wolf/vixen?

this morning,
i ( x scrolled through an article ) about gwyneth paltrow’s daughter,
apple martin,
and i blurted out a thought i felt we weren’t supposed to say out loud:

Why can’t I feel entitled like that?

not the kind of entitlement that screams “spoiled brat” or “trust fund menace”,
but moreso a healthy entitlement.
the kind where you know your worth and demand that others treat you accordingly.
naturally,
my mind took a detour into the days i was a hot ‘n’ happen’n pick-me…

I’m always confused when they try to throw these types to the gays.

um,
unless it’ a pick-me gay,
the rest of us don’t want his ass.
i’m a black gay male who doesn’t have any issues with vixens.
i don’t like idiots but i don’t like idiots that come in all kinds and communities.

so i don’t understand how we got “here“.
allowing jackals from the early 1700s to have platforms in this decade.
we are allowing our kids to watch their streams; we gave others the power to run the country.
myron gaines from the platform,
“fresh ‘n’ fit“,
was on sneako’s stream going TF off on vixens who game…

I’ve had beef with God for a minute.

okay,
maybe more than a minute.
like,
a solid two-year feud.
blame it on what the church villagers were telling me:

“God is testing you.”
“God gives you what you can handle.”
“God’s just seeing if you’re worthy of a breakthrough.”

sure,
it sounds poetic,
but it felt like spiritual gaslighting.

Why would a loving God dish out trauma like it’s a rite of passage?
Why the hoops?
Why the pain?

if i’ve already proven myself,
why keep testing me?
it felt like cosmic abuse with only my name on it.
i was ready to give up on God because i’ve seen tired.
i’ve been stuck in this loop,
playing by the rules,
yet running in circles.
this past sunday,
sarah jakes-roberts dropped a gem in her sermon that hit me like a plot twist…

when i don’t believe a word coming out anyone’s mouth/fingertips,
i like to look into everything they’re telling me to see if they’ll slip up.
this is why i only go with receipts when it comes to stories.
anyone can say/font anything because pathological liars do exist.
hugo d almonte,
the jackal who outed khalid,
did his best IG press release to defend himself.

i have thoughts…

I don’t know what next year around this time will look like for me.

maybe i’ll have finally made it.
i’ll be hosting a friends-giving that i could afford to cater.
i would have moved to a new spot where the new yawk skyline is in plain view.
that night,
in-front of that view,
i’ll be on my knees thanking my manz for being so amazing.
the next day,
i’ll be catching all the black friday sales like a pokemon trainer.
either that or i’ll be with karaoke’s family in alabama again.
that is what i really wanted to do this year but i couldn’t afford it.
after all the bullshit of these last two years…

Will the third time be the lucky charm?

this year tho,
it was spent in solitude.
the questions i was asking myself…