god always gives you signs.
it’s up to you to catch them.
i can admit now,
i was a little slow on catching the signs with work wolf.
in my memories,
i see the good times we had.
that is what makes me miss him.
i am now remembering the shit he did that hurt my feelings.
“since you been gone”…
i’m seeing the bad side of things.
bad enough i have to see him everyday.
so today,
something lead me to pick up a book i was reading.
“no more mr. nice guy” by robert glover.
it was a really good read.
i still don’t know why i stopped in the first place.
so as i’m reading the book on my lunch break,
agreeing with a lot that was being said in the first chapter,
i read this…
What’s Wrong With Being A Nice Guy?We might be tempted to minimize the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome. After all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the Marvin Milquetoast behaviors of these men as portrayed in comic strips and television sitcoms. Since men already represent an easy target in our culture, the caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than concern.
Nice Guys themselves frequently have a difficult time grasping the depth and seriousness of their beliefs and behaviors. When I begin working with these passively pleasing men, almost without exception, they all ask, “What is wrong with being a Nice Guy?” Having picked up this book and puzzled over the title, you may be wondering the same thing. By giving these men the label Nice Guy, I’m not so much referring to their actual behavior, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are “nice,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life. The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice. Here are some Not-So-Nice Traits of Nice Guys:
Nice Guys are dishonest.
These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest.Nice Guys are secretive.Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, “If at first you don’t succeed, hide the evidence.”
Nice Guys are compartmentalized.Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their minds. Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had
an affair with his secretary (or intern) because he never put his penis in her vagina.Nice Guys are manipulative.
Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.Nice Guys are controlling.
A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them. Nice Guys give to get. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive.
Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again.Nice Guys are full of rage.
Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
Nice Guys are addictive.
Addictive behavior serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere. One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual compulsiveness.Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries.
Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying “no,” “stop,” or “I’m going to.” They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing.Nice Guys are frequently isolated.Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.
Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy’s childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval.Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises.Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships.
Though Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their intimate relationships are frequently a source of
struggle and frustration. For example:
- Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem.
- Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to work all the way through a problem.
- It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be “projects” or “diamonds in the rough.” When these projects don’t polish up as expected, Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness.
Nice Guys have issues with sexuality.
Though most Nice Guys deny having problems with sex, I have yet to meet one who isn’t either dissatisfied with his sex life, has a sexual dysfunction (can’t get or maintain an erection, climaxes too quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, pornography, compulsive masturbation, etc.).
Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful.
The majority of Nice Guys I’ve met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential.
…and a majority of those examples were describing work wolf:
prone to tellin’ lies
told a lot of stories
always tried to play the victim
extremely secretive
extremely confused
extremely passive aggressive
has anger issues
has an addictive personality
doesn’t have a lot of friends
will say “yes” when he wants to say “no”
…wow.
it made me see a lot of shit is wrong with him.
here i am blaming me,
wondering every day what i did wrong,
but he is the one with the issues.
sometimes you ignore the bad because you hope,
someone is also ignoring the “bad” within you.
i’m not perfect at all,
and i have my own baggage,
but i’m damn sure not ^that person in those descriptions.
i wanted to “fix” him
he is a very lost wolf,
and i brought a lot in his life,
but i can’t save anyone who doesn’t want to be saved.
why am i even “saving” anyone?
i’m the one who needs to rescue “me” from “myself”.
i wish him the best.
one day he will wake up.
too bad it may be too late.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoR751NdAM8
was he talking about me. I consider myself as a nice guy. I do try to over look the wrong that people have done to me
I think I need to pick up this book myself. I have spent so much of my time trying to help others or to follow through with what they want, I have ended up losing myself in the process. In the end, it leads to destructive relationships and me being angry. Does this book happen to come with a mirror lol?
When I say this post has not lightly thump me on the head but literally slap the shit out of me. Damn every damn thing he said step right on my toes, hell crushed my toes. I have let so many people walk over me being nice and I am the one who still finished last. The sad part about being nice even when you are looking at the truth this man just told you, I will still have a hard time being not nice. I have tried but it’s more difficult for me to be hateful than nice, but I do find myself at the most weirdest times just going off, and when I do most are left scratching their head that passive aggressive behavior is on deck. Being nice gets you lots of friends and people who like you but you still finish last in life, you find yourself not wanting to step on anybody toes or offend them. Hell sometimes even on this blog, I hold back at times not wanting to come off as an ass with my opinion about a certain situation. I am going to go ahead and buy this book, I had plan to buy it when it was first mentioned here but said hey I like being nice. I am already having an awakening about my life this year and this may be the thing that pushes me over the edge to finally go after the life I want and stop sitting back being so damn nice thinking being humble is going to get you anywhere in life. Its a new day, time to get with a new IDGAF attitude especially about people who dont mean us any good.
Sounds like me….I learned nice guys finish last. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Lol Uh Jamari….I think you missed the point bro. Sounds like you. But you read that and thought about work wolf?? *insert Kermit tea drinking gif* I can’t. I googled it….and I still found that I cannot.
Exactly…lol
^all of those things he has done to me.
But you do them to yourself. Its not about him..it’s about you. You are classic..you put the blame on him. But you allowed him to do it to you. It’s why he felt comfortable asking you for help after outright ignoring you for weeks. And still you immediately think about him when reading a book that is about you.
^well i’m not perfect tony.
i’m trying.
its not easy and i’m not gonna feel bad for it.
this hurts.
it maybe easy for others to say:
“well you need to get over it”
but i feel hurt.
i’m sorry that isn’t the answer you may have expected.
I never said get over it. I know it’s not easy but as someone who cares without knowing you, you are putting too much focus on him and not putting yourself first in everything you do. That’s what the book is about…read it …then see how you feel. It’s about empowering you and encouraging you fulfill your potential but you can’t do it focusing on someone else.
^im trying tony.
i will read the book and focus on me.
im so use to focusing on others,
and now with this situation,
that it’s like I’m conditioned to do it all the time.
I’m a mess.
^thank you for having patience with me.
God is still working on me.
I think the book will really help. We are all a work in progress.
Here’s an idea…each week blog about a chapter and we can all have a virtual book discussion Bout it. This way you can help your readers, yourself and we all benefit from the focus
^OMG THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA!
im so down for that!
Each chapter has an activity or something to think about that can be used for discussion.
^okay so ill re-read the first chapter tomorrow and start it off!
ill post the pdf for everyone to follow along.
tony this was such a good idea!
Looking forward to it. I’m rereading it as well. This can be grear for you and your site
^yes because it will keep me focused on reading it
As I read this…it is 80% you. You are the nice guy like many of us always available, helping others, forgetting about ourselves, using our talents to benefit others rather than ourselves. Anytime we put the responsibility on someone else, we give up power instead of figuring out what we need to do even it means letting go of people and allowing them to walk out of our lives. Its not about blaming him.but rather what are you going to do to take back the power he has over you that has you feeling lost without him. He may miss and appreciate you as a,person but he doesn’t know how to show it and you can’t keep yourself open like that
^you know what?
you are right,
but i’m not the “bad” aspects in those descriptions.
i was always honest and open.
i don’t like conflict and can be aggressive.
the description you wrote is definitely me.
“You are the nice guy like many of us always available, helping others, forgetting about ourselves, using our talents to benefit others rather than ourselves”
i am the “nice fox”.
i can always see the good in others than myself.
like i said i’m not perfect,
but i’m definitely not the enemy.
Not bad….but I read the book…you have to take your power back and realize it’s not bad to cuss someone out every now and then. Its not bad to not be available all the time and not feel guilty about it
Reread the book and only think of you as you read.. you still have work wolf in every aspect of your life.
^i have to see him every day.
its not like he is on another side of town.
there is not a day i don’t bump into him.
it’s like i can’t escape him until i leave this job.
its hard to not think about him with the situation i’m in.
i’ve been freezed out so it’s natural i’ll be reminded of him
I see people I work with everyday and none of them pay my mortgage, control my mood or put gas in my car but yet you allow work wolf to contril your mood, thoughts and emotions. Did you read the entire book?
^no i said i didn’t.
i’m reading the entire book again.
After reading the examples of the things posted I was actually blown away. A lot of these things describes me in my day to day life. I have stated before in the past how my being a nice fox has been a problem for me. There have been so many times I wanted to say no to people or I would put others needs before my own only to be angry when it would blow up in my face.
I remember you posting about this book before but after reading what you posted here I’m going to have to definitely check it out.
^it’s a real good book mikey
you can point out why you try to be “nice”.
i will admit i’m emotionally needy.
Omg get over yourself.
And the chapter is finished. Glad you found that book. This is a growing process, look at the knowledge you gained by this horrible experience.
^it wasn’t all the way horrible.
i won’t say that at all.
we had fun,
but there was a lot of shit we both did to close this book.
he: 80%
me: 20%