“what if something good happens?” as you tell the demons in your head


Whenever I would meet a wolf,
I would want to believe he would want me.
It could cause me to put up my guard to protect myself which made it seem I wasn’t interested.
I was very interested but I was full of fear.

If someone ever called me and said,
“We need to talk”.
98% of the time I’ll go,
“Uh oh”.

some of us might be broken.
we could be bitter,
or guarded that we don’t see the possibility in anything.
when we were young,
we were more optimistic but as we grew up…

Life showed us that it didn’t play fair.
Things or people we desired didn’t always work out.
If we racked up enough points,
it became a habit that will become hard to break.

i have this nasty habit of always going to the bad first.
it happens with almost everything.
it’s really bad with wolves i’m attracted to.
i don’t particularly trust other males when i’m attracted to them.
other males were my bullies and the ones i trusted ended up betraying me.
there have been a number of jackals that destroyed my trust and soul.
i have a fear of rejection too.

Being gay has NOT been easy for me tbh.

everything that happens in some of our lives,
we will always feel like its too good to be true.
life taught us not to drop our guard because we will get hurt.
add on all the disappointments with people,

and family as well.

So whenever we want or desire something,
as much as we try to be optimistic,
it’s easier to jump to it not working out.

…and like clockwork,
our minds go full protection mode and it doesn’t.
i’m trying to do this thing where i’ll ask myself

“What if I believed that things will actually work out?
It might benefit my life to try something different.”

it hasn’t been easy tho but i’m trying.

2 thoughts on ““what if something good happens?” as you tell the demons in your head

  1. I didn’t consent for this to be posted haha! I count myself out before I can be rejected and am insanely pessimistic.

    We will grow.

    1. Jamari
      We sound similar when speaking. I used to be on guard and frightfully self conscious on how I was preconceived when compelled to speak aloud in public settings. I have since grown to adore the unique, sultry sound that comes from my mouth. I get the yes ma’am on the phone lines all day long. I am still lightly pessimistic of men, but age has given me wisdom and discernment into men’s insecurities and their Achilles’s heel, so I don’t fret so much. Most of em I pity their inability to just be. To unwind or cry, to just be human, and not some rusted dusted pre-programmed machismo machine. Your brilliance has created a community of wolves, former wolves, foxes, cat’s, kittens and a whole damn zoo of people who love you, or love the edges of you that you permit us a glimpse into.
      My Dad is two years dead and NEVER LOVED ME, TOUCHED ME OR gave any ducks about me. Rejection is the font from which all sins and insecurities emit from. Hug yourself and celebrate the ❤️.

Comments are closed.