this dating thing is a war zone and the battle isn’t who tops or bottoms

finding a partner feels like going to war these days.
i admire those who found one with no issues.
keeping them after you get them is a whole other issue.
having pretty muscles or a rotund tail means nada nowadays.
the “you need to be willing to top and bottom” means nothing either.
that is what we sell to people in hopes of being chosen.
it’s like a job interview and how we lie to get the job.

You gotta be fully prepared to do battle.

trying to find someone to love can be so demoralizing

You think you found the one,
everything is going well,
and they’ll ghost your ass without telling you why.

The manz of your dreams is playing straight and leading you on.

They are one way and then after the honeymoon phase,
a mask flies off and a whole demon is revealed from underneath.

They act like they are so confident but they are actually painfully insecure.

or ugly doesn’t mean he isn’t an abusive asshole.

The more popular; the more set of hoes you gotta fight off

You spend years with someone only for them to reveal they never liked you at all.

You bend over backward for someone who never intended to do the same for you.

You are the only man he ever went gay for and that brings about a whole set of drama.

He wants an open relationship because you aren’t enough.

They are an attentionisto that lives for social media approval rather than yours.

You contract an STD or HIV from someone who is supposed to love you.

You are led on for years only to be dumped for someone else who gets the life you begged for.

the worst of all:

They end up killing you out of jealousy or pure hatred.

…and all of this is seen on social media for the forests to see.
people can see the red flags before we can.

i find the whole thing to be really stressful tbh.

Black folks are taught to bend in order to make something work,
even in the most abusive and uncomfortable of situations.
Do we hate our jobs?
Just do it because you should be happy with the opportunity.
Do we hate these relationships?
Just do it because you should be happy with the opportunity.

…but we aren’t happy because we are being fake.
i have been working on myself and i see the reality of other males.
social media shows me the reality of marriages and relationships.
it’s fuckin’ scary.
you can be everything but dismissed like you’re nothing.
i went from feeling not good enough to feeling like a prize.
i don’t want anyone coming into my life and disrupting my peace.

lowkey: sometimes,
i envision myself as a husband with kids.
i know,
he is the man of my dreamz.
my hubby and i are successful in our own careers and lives.
we love each other but we accept our flaws and shortcomings.
he also worships the ground i walk on.
i like to live in that fantasy because it makes me happy.
not in a sense of longing but it makes me still optimistic.

6 thoughts on “this dating thing is a war zone and the battle isn’t who tops or bottoms

  1. It’s the ‘red flag hunting’ for me. Blk gay men are so damaged (a lot of fault isn’t our own) that they’re looking for any reason to run. But you literally can’t win any race that you don’t at least show up to. I know that’s easier said than done, but at some point the narrative has to shift, IF YOU WANT A PARTNER! Many ppl are happy w/o 1 and just enjoying their casual hookups. To each their own. But it’s the lack of follow thru that really shts on us. Always on ready to dead a situation. Ijs, perseverance is difficult, but key. Go on multiple dates and see who seems like a good choice for you to continue seeing. I just hate knowing sooo many dope blk gay men who’ve never had long-term, functional relationships.

  2. ❤️🦊❤️
    I love this post. I was leaning towards celibacy before COVID, but the virus sealed the deal for me. Four years in and pre and post monkeypox has cemented my resolve to continue in it indefinitely. I am so so happy. If it gets rough, I can always resort to my left or right hand bestie’s.
    For me, it isn’t even worth it, despite whatever minimal benefits I could derive from it, to get entangled emotionally or physically anymore.
    It will have to be a VERY spectacular and mature individual who could pull me off my perch.
    The idea of a big dick and six pack abs isn’t appealing any longer, because I saw, I came, I conquered many of those. Peace is PRICELESS!💎

    1. ^i think many of us focus on sex first before anything else.
      when the relationship pops off and we have to deal with another human,
      we find out we weren’t compatible or one of us is actually crazy/abusive.

      we don’t talk about the power struggle between men enough.
      we don’t talk about the mental illnesses between men enough.
      we don’t talk about the generational curses between men enough.

      so when we go and date men,
      we go in with roles or not being like the straights but there is more to it.

      1. 100% society is going down badly
        Relationships used to seem attainable now I feel the gay community is trying to force us to date men we don’t want because “you’ll die single if you don’t settle”

    2. ^also,
      there is testosterone between two men and estrogen between two women.
      that alone can be a challenge if one or two people is unevolved.

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