today is a tough day.
it’s an emotionally tough day.
when it comes to therapy,
i think many people have the wrong idea about it.
especially some black folks,
have a fear of really opening up and revealing their feelings.
males are taught that showing emotions is “weak” and “feminine“.
gay males are taught something is wrong with us o be like “insert male figure in life here“.
I have very limited males I’ve looked up to
maybe my uncle,
but i was intimated of him because he came off cold af.
yesterday’s therapy session really conjured up a shit ton of emotions for me…
I’m having a hard time really processing it tbh
add on being an empath and i’m starring in an emotional shit show.
my therapist wants me to start telling a new story in my head but it’s really difficult.
i’m so comfortable being angry or telling myself people don’t gaf about me.
i think back to how i was treated and i realized it wasn’t fair.
those people were not the amazing folks that i saw them as.
they were all filled with trauma which is why they probably were attracted to me too.
does misery love company?
not only that,
my father has shown me that i have some of his negative traits.
he is a really sensitive man who was broken down and kinda emasculated.
as big as a sports star as he was in barbados,
he doesn’t view himself as “that n*gga”.
he feels forgotten and thrown to the side.
that is definitely something i do,
but i do it with the absolutely wrong people i use to hang tough with.
is playing the same story over and over in his mind of what hurt us.
that makes me feel i’m truly seeing myself and i don’t like it.
I like where I’m headed tho.
so therapy is not for those who aren’t ready to confront them tbh.
it’s scary because some people don’t want to change or greatly modify themselves.
many folks have found comfort in their filth,
and dishing that filth out to those who don’t deserve it,
but it comes to a point when you gotta realize…
Your filth is stinkin’ up the joint.
lowkey: i’ve made it my mission to destroy those who hurt me.
they all live in my head.