therapy sucks.

today is a tough day.
it’s an emotionally tough day.
when it comes to therapy,
i think many people have the wrong idea about it.
especially some black folks,
have a fear of really opening up and revealing their feelings.
males are taught that showing emotions is “weak” and “feminine“.
gay males are taught something is wrong with us o be like “insert male figure in life here“.

I have very limited males I’ve looked up to

maybe my uncle,
but i was intimated of him because he came off cold af.
yesterday’s therapy session really conjured up a shit ton of emotions for me…

I’m having a hard time really processing it tbh

add on being an empath and i’m starring in an emotional shit show.

my therapist wants me to start telling a new story in my head but it’s really difficult.
i’m so comfortable being angry or telling myself people don’t gaf about me.
i think back to how i was treated and i realized it wasn’t fair.
those people were not the amazing folks that i saw them as.
they were all filled with trauma which is why they probably were attracted to me too.
does misery love company?

not only that,
my father has shown me that i have some of his negative traits.
he is a really sensitive man who was broken down and kinda emasculated.
as big as a sports star as he was in barbados,
he doesn’t view himself as “that n*gga”.
he feels forgotten and thrown to the side.
that is definitely something i do,
but i do it with the absolutely wrong people i use to hang tough with.

my father,
like me,
is playing the same story over and over in his mind of what hurt us.
that makes me feel i’m truly seeing myself and i don’t like it.

I like where I’m headed tho.

 so therapy is not for those who aren’t ready to confront them tbh.
it’s scary because some people don’t want to change or greatly modify themselves.
many folks have found comfort in their filth,
and dishing that filth out to those who don’t deserve it,
but it comes to a point when you gotta realize

Your filth is stinkin’ up the joint.

lowkey: i’ve made it my mission to destroy those who hurt me.
they all live in my head.

8 thoughts on “therapy sucks.

  1. I’ve been championing you on throughout this process, and I’m glad to see you keep sharing both the ups and downs, Jamari. We HAVE to break this narrative that all blk gay men are living these faux fabulous, brunch, party, travel, repeat, lifestyles social media pushes.

  2. Started therapy a couple of years ago and stopped when Covid came didnt want to do Zoom therapy sessions. Honestly at the time I felt I wasnt progressing and my therapist wasnt a good fit for me, ironically it is hard for me to be honest about my feelings when Im not feeling something, I just usually just ignore the situation or get away from it. I try to be nice to everyone but in life you have to be direct even when it may hurt someone feelings. That was one of the things I wanted to work on in my therapy and ended up having my therapist get a taste of what I do in situations or with people I deal with. This thread has made me realize I have probably regressed since therapy and need to get back in ASAP. I think being stuck inside for a whole year on top of losing some close people to me this past two years has me on the verge of a full mental break down. This week at work has been hell for me mentally, I was ready to snap but I know it is some underlying deeper issues at play that have nothing to do with work. A close Str8 female friend of mine started therapy a couple of months ago and I can see big changes in her attitude already. A mutual friend of ours didnt show up to an event we planned together and she got all in her ass and I was like it is no big deal but she told me through therapy she realize that people do what they want to do and you need to tell them when they let you down and not hold it in, I was making excuses for her which is what i often do for people when they let me down and she was not having any of it and sort of called me out on how I am too forgiving of people. I know I cant keep going on like I have without getting back into therapy.

    1. You’re all ready a step ahead, because you’re aware that you need to restart. And it hit because while I did the zooms thru 2020, it didn’t do the same for me, and I too stepped back. Now that you’ve mentioned it, I wonder how many guys fell off from therapy during the pandemic. The irony is that this is probably the time when we’ve needed it the most.

  3. I’m so proud of you. It takes a REAL ONE to go to therapy. You deserve happiness and peace so protect it at all cost. Thank you for your transparency throughout this journey.

  4. I’m starting my therapy journey today. I’m scared s***less. Especially with my heightened cancer zodiac emotional state. It was important I find a queer black male. Was that important to you? The intersection of my trauma comes from from my identity and experiences.

    1. ^i love to read this!
      congrats jay!
      its okay to be scared.
      being scared is a good thing.

      my therapist an old straight white wolf.
      i wanted to find a black male or a black gay male,
      but i got the help i was seeking with him.

      i’m hoping the same for you jay.

    2. Congrats, and welcome to the world of bgm who understand they need therapy, and that it’s a great thing.

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