the ugly monster that is me with body dysmorphic disorder

while i was at the wedding on sunday,
i was having a shit ton of fun.
it was starting to get cold af and one of the bride’s brother let me borrow his jacket.
once i put it on:



thats when i started getting nervous.
he asked me to smile for the pictures,
but i hate my smile.
i think it makes me look weird since my lips are really big.
he took some pictures and everyone was “oooh” and “aww” at them.

“This should be your Grindr default picture.
Someone would match with you right now.”

when i looked at one of the pictures from this impromptu photoshoot.
i didn’t see any of that.
i zoomed right in on all my flaws and everything i see that is wrong with me.

a day later,
he sent me all the pictures via whatsapp.
i was on the phone with hunter and as i looked at all the pictures…

I was picking myself apart to the white meat.

every single flaw in my eyes was enhanced.
every line of my face was bigger than it was.
i saw this skinny crackhead-looking person.
there was no beauty in me.
all i saw in each picture was a hideous monster who would look awful standing next to someone.

“Why do people like me?” I asked Hunter,
“I look gross.”

there was even this flash of suicide because i felt i was the reason why i’m not where i want to be.
it was a quick flash,
but a familiar one.
even though people told me how good i look,
i still didn’t and don’t believe it.

I have severe body dysmorphic disorder.

i have been living a life where i was faking it until i make it,
but as of late,
it has gotten much worse.
i did some research the other night and every single thing folks say they do is what i do.
( x see some examples here )
( x see youtube videos here )


i cried before i started typing this because it was really hard for me to be honest.
back in 05,
i discovered about body dysmorphic disorder at a study i went to.

Thank God I still have all the worksheets that came with it.

here are some of them:

i strongly believe that my thought process about myself has cockblocked me from many things.

The males I have been attracted to
Being more visible in my career
Seeing the fire within me
Letting basic ass people get the best of me

so i’m ready to confront this demon that lurks within me.
the one who has been a mouthpiece in slowly destroying me and my self-worth.
i don’t know how it even started,
but i want to end it.

lowkey: in some cases,
i’ve read the trans community can suffer from it.
some males who work out twenty times a day,
and take the most amazing pictures on IG,
suffer from it too.

you would be surprised who is suffering from this.
it explains why some relationships don’t last and some miss out on opportunities.
drugs and alcohol can only mask it temporarily.
once they are sober,
the monster comes back out.

9 thoughts on “the ugly monster that is me with body dysmorphic disorder

  1. Always love how real your post are or can get Mari. This one hit. I honestly feel like A LOT of people go through this one way or another despite some having more severe cases than others. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve nervously looked over group pictures to make sure that I (and only I mind you) don’t make it look bad. I think the only thing one can do to get over those heavy times of self doubt is to remember how much you love yourself and that also no one is flawless because simply put no one is perfect. At least that’s what’s always worked for me.

  2. & honestly I think being gay makes it slightly worst, because not only do we compare ourselves to other men, we’re ATTRACTED to those same men that we’re comparing ourselves too, so I feel like it DOUBLES are desire to have whatever aesthetic we feel is “better” then the one we possess, if that makes sense

    1. U better talk. !!!!

      This is is it!

      Men like people they’re envious of or threatened by. People decide who to be friends with based on who can enrich their career and make THEM look better. That’s my main issue with the community.

      So many times I’ve spoken and flirted with guys and texted them and then we fall off but they’re still watching everything I post . That’s bc once they stop entertaining u, they still want to keep up and compete

  3. Bro, you aren’t alone. Trust me. Everyone has told me since I was 14 how much I look like Tyson Beckford. Im 38 now, so almost 1/3 of my life I’ve been seen a way I’ve never seen myself. And I was a professional dancer. So at 1 point I had 2% body fat. I say this to point out that it’s very common. I still beat myself up for not having a ‘dancer body’ eventho I haven’t been a ‘dancer’ in almost a damn decade. We don’t often think we’re enough. Especially in an IG model world. More often than not, we’re much better off than we think. But kudos to you for speaking on it. Gay men often feel we’re not enough in general, and when we compound it w un-average and unrealistic (for most) physical ideals and expectations, you know the rest…

  4. I relate cos I have it too.

    I overcome it by altering my standard of “What’s attractive ” to include me.

    I focus on my other worthy traits( Smart. Loving. Funny, Love being Black , etc)

    Surround myself with people who get me and I never have to prove or feel unworthy.

    There’s so much but , I am at work as of this writing .

    [ Ironically, people always tell me I am “Handsome” . I have been a Professional Model ( recruited more than once and have always been in a relationship with an attractive mate .


  5. We’re here for you. It takes courage to be transparent and to admit whatever Demons you may face. You’re not alone we all have Demons that we battle but know that together through encouragement, prayer and therapy that’ll conquer those Demons together. Keep on pushing and know that you’re beautifully made.

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