while i was at the wedding on sunday,
i was having a shit ton of fun.
it was starting to get cold af and one of the bride’s brother let me borrow his jacket.
once i put it on:
“OMG YOU LOOK SO GOOD!
YOU GIVE OFF “COSMOPOLITAN”.
HOLD ON LET ME TAKE PICTURES OF YOU!”
thats when i started getting nervous.
he asked me to smile for the pictures,
but i hate my smile.
i think it makes me look weird since my lips are really big.
he took some pictures and everyone was “oooh” and “aww” at them.
“This should be your Grindr default picture.
Someone would match with you right now.”
when i looked at one of the pictures from this impromptu photoshoot.
i didn’t see any of that.
i zoomed right in on all my flaws and everything i see that is wrong with me.
a day later,
he sent me all the pictures via whatsapp.
i was on the phone with hunter and as i looked at all the pictures…
I was picking myself apart to the white meat.
every single flaw in my eyes was enhanced.
every line of my face was bigger than it was.
i saw this skinny crackhead-looking person.
there was no beauty in me.
all i saw in each picture was a hideous monster who would look awful standing next to someone.
“Why do people like me?” I asked Hunter,
“I look gross.”
there was even this flash of suicide because i felt i was the reason why i’m not where i want to be.
it was a quick flash,
but a familiar one.
even though people told me how good i look,
i still didn’t and don’t believe it.
I have severe body dysmorphic disorder.
i have been living a life where i was faking it until i make it,
but as of late,
it has gotten much worse.
i did some research the other night and every single thing folks say they do is what i do.
( x see some examples here )
( x see youtube videos here )
i cried before i started typing this because it was really hard for me to be honest.
back in 05,
i discovered about body dysmorphic disorder at a study i went to.
Thank God I still have all the worksheets that came with it.
here are some of them:
i strongly believe that my thought process about myself has cockblocked me from many things.
The males I have been attracted to
Being more visible in my career
Seeing the fire within me
Letting basic ass people get the best of me
so i’m ready to confront this demon that lurks within me.
the one who has been a mouthpiece in slowly destroying me and my self-worth.
i don’t know how it even started,
but i want to end it.
lowkey: in some cases,
i’ve read the trans community can suffer from it.
some males who work out twenty times a day,
and take the most amazing pictures on IG,
suffer from it too.
you would be surprised who is suffering from this.
it explains why some relationships don’t last and some miss out on opportunities.
drugs and alcohol can only mask it temporarily.
once they are sober,
the monster comes back out.