the devil is trying to destroy me or is god trying to open my eyes.
this week,
one of the two has been turnt completely up.
i don’t know what i’ve done in a past life but…
so yesterday at work,
liar liar caught herself trying to yell at me in-front of everyone.
she was having some kind of power trip and went off.
i went into straight a bad mood because of that.
work wolf tried to talk to me in texts,
but when i’m in a bad mood,
i don’t feel like talking.
i just want to be left alone.
he came over to my section and was talking to liar liar.
i think that set me off.
he looked at me and in a low voice he asked:
“jamari whats wrong with you?”
“i’m pissed.”
“damn sorry…”
i didn’t mean to snap at him.
she just got me so tite.
when i left work,
he wasn’t standing outside to wait for me.
i figured he left.
why would he even stay after that?
when i got in today,
he wasn’t there in the morning as well.
i got a little nervous.
when i got to my desk,
i texted him.
“good morning.”
he responded a couple minutes later:
“morning.”
waiting for his response was agony.
i apologized for my behavior yesterday.
i told him that he didn’t deserve that.
i explained to him what happened and how mad i was.
he offered some advice.
i like that he is always still there for me.
in the afternoon,
i asked him if he wanted to go to dinner tonight.
“sure why not”
well right before i was about to leave,
he sends me a text telling me he has to stay later.
“oh god no.
why?”
now i didn’t eat lunch because i wanted to wait until dinner.
i didn’t have an appetite for whatever reason.
this job is stressing me out so that might be it.
“i gotta stay with liar liar and a few other people.
we got a work assignment to finish.”
all i wrote was:
“wow”
i got my shit and left.
he usually goes places with me,
but i was looking forward to tonight.
when i got to my stop,
my phone went off:
“sorry about tonight”
“its not your fault.
i’ll talk to you another time”
“ok”
as i walked home,
i don’t like how far gone i am for work wolf.
i almost feel stupid.
he told me today that he is getting his own spot in a few weeks.
of course he invited me over.
this vixen he is talking to wants to stay with him sometimes.
he also didn’t want to admit he bought yankee tickets for them to go to a game.
he doesn’t like to tell me what he is doing with vixens.
i don’t want to feel like this for him anymore.
i want to keep him as a friend and thats it.
thats not going to be easy.
like i don’t know how to look at him differently.
its not like he isn’t attached to me.
hell he gets mad when i don’t text him back.
i’m starting to wake up and realize it just isn’t meant to be.
i don’t think i will win this round.
that could be okay.
hell do i even want to if it did ever happen?
i could see the friendship ending completely.
this could be for the best…
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…so why do i feel so sad right now?
i don’t know what to do anymore.
i know that i don’t think i want to do this anymore.
lowkey: ^why can i relate to this damn song now?
all this time i listened to that song and NOW it makes sense.
smh.
I think a lot of people here forget that he is your co-worker so you come in contact with him all the time. Not only that but you guys actually have a friendship, so it’s not like he’s some random acquaintance who you can just avoid for the whole day and let it be. Plus you say that this dude likes talking to you so it’s not that easy to just drop everything and “switch off” emotions.
I can’t imagine being in that predicament though. It seems so exhausting and nauseating. I’m actually distancing myself from a “friend” who is desperate to have sex with me because I finally realised that I don’t see much from us in the future. It’s different for you though because you’re gay and he’s straight so there’s that “barrier” that you both know shouldn’t be crossed because you’re not attracted to the same things. But with two gay guys being friends, one typically feels “welcomed” to push up on you and make sexual advances because they know there’s no barriers (although I set the boundaries as friends) because there’s always that possibility that feelings can change.
But I’m just saying that I looked into the future and all I could see was him desperately doing whatever to get me and I came to my senses that it’s not a healthy friendship. I don’t know if you’re catching feelings for him or you just have lust for him but judging by the emotional anguish that I sense through your posts about him, this just doesn’t seem healthy at all. I don’t know if it’s possible to be friends with somebody who you have strong feelings for. It usually doesn’t work out. It typically ends when one friend admits that they have feelings for the other friend, but then there comes that awkwardness if you still remain friends. However I sense the demise of that frienship if you do tell him.
It’s either you tell him, just distance yourself from him or just live with that hidden burden of just being his friend who he will never fall for (which is your current situation)
I know I’ve been in situations like this before. I’ve learned that the best approach with this (and life in general, most days) is: No expectations. We’re only saddened, disappointed, frustrated, etc when we put our own expectations into things. When I find myself all ramped up about something, the lyrics to “Let It Be” run through my head.
I also want to share your own words back to you…from your “Please Accept Me” entry:
“live YOUR truth.
YOURS.
not anyone elses because they told you so.
you live in your world.
no one else does.
do what makes you comfortable and decorate how you please.”
So all of our comments are just that, comments. At the end of the day, Jamari will do what is best for Jamari because only YOU know what is best for you.
Would you let an old snow bunny offer you a supportive hug?
^i would.
thank you tammy.
You need to shut emotions OFF. Whenever I realize I like someone that does not like me or does not reciprocate my respect for them I turn my emotions OFF. That doesn’t mean you ignore them but you feed them with a long spoon.
If I catch myself “feeling” when it comes to them, I ask myself “why would you like someone that isn’t worried about you? Why would you let him consume YOUR thoughts when his mind is on something/someone else?”
Sounds hard but once you accept the fact most people are seasonal and just want to figure you out until the mystery is gone “it ain’t nothin to cut that bitch off” becomes a life mantra.
What happened to that job hunt? Always easier to get another job when you have one already.
I relate to this comment actually lol. It’s very true. Once I realize they’re not available or interested in me (whether it be friendship or romantically) I’m over it, and them. Emotions=off There’s a window of opportunity to grab my interest and then it’s gone for good (in most cases lol). It makes things easier on the mind and heart. It’s also a way of maintaining some modicum of control in these situations as opposed to completely surrendering control to the whims of the other person. No thanks. I’ll extend the olive branch only so far, and if you don’t want it, I’ll take it back and give it someone who wants and DESERVES it.
My golden rules: if its not mutual, you don’t want it
it takes two to tango
Don’t try harder than anyone else to make it work, you deserve better
Then again, this is easier for some, than others.
Can’t say much about the Work Wolf situation that i already haven’t said.
But Liar Lair though, like i said you winning. Don’t even let her yelling at you get you heated. It’s obvious see was yelling at you because of her jealously with Work Wolf. The saltiness is too real with that heifer. Human beings are more transparent then they think with their actions. She’s not even as smart as she thinks. This week she’s running her mouth about you and work wolf and then a couple days later she’s yelling at you? Can you say bitter ex much? You better than me, i would have been nothing but smiles all up in her face while she was getting racthet. Don’t be surprised when Work Wolf comes to you telling you that Liar Liar was popping off while he and her was staying late. Don’t entertain the high school BS. Just laugh at the small pleasure of making this hood rat mad by doing nothing but enjoying yourself.
Dude- Im a Jamari stan. I want what is best for you. I have been holding back from saying something while you have been in your feelings over the straight wolf. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL WORKING THERE?? The worst thing about this office bromance is that it has distracted you from the central truth that you should be spending every spare minute looking for another gig, more in line with your longer term ambition.
Good catch. He is so in love he stopped focusing on me. True love makes u better..not bitter
Have you thought about dating yourself for a while. Spending time doing things you like with you on occassion. This is how you learn to love being with you and those meant to be around you will soon come. When I was in an unrequited love situation, foxes eventually came when I wasn’t looking but then the object of my true affection realized I was what was m8ssing from his life when I was no longer accessible. I also began meeting friends that were dream potentials for more. I had so many good choices and all my type….all when I stopped looking and paid attention to me
I meant sympathizers, sorry Ipad problems.
I’m sorry if I’m direct but you are an attractive, intelligent, impressionable young man with style……there is no reason for you to be overly emotional over some straight guy friend of yours. His past and current behavior with women should tell you what a real intimate relationship would be like. You need to put yourself out there and date, establish your on life independent of him…..maybe then you won’t be so consume over Work wolf.
^you are right.
today was the breaking point for me to realize that.
i didn’t take offense to what you said also.
i deserve the tough love even if it has to sting.
You my boy and admire you…..depression is the devil. I just get upset when I see you letting this dilemma with work wolf bring you down. He has too much power over you indirectly. This is very dangerous when you think about it. These yes man and sympathizer towards your plight in this particular matter is only hurting and diminishing your strength.
Jamari I’m with Avid Observer. I think you just need to cool off and think about it.Also like Christian said you need to stop letting her disrespect you, you need to go to HR or something. I can see why a lot of people up here didn’t want you to take things further with work wolf cause they didn’t want you to get hurt but sometimes you can’t help your emotions.
^im glad this isn’t the story of me fuckin’ the curious straight wolf.
even tho emotionally this feels worse,
bringing sex into this would have probably made this a mess.
Jamari your only human dude so don’t let others make you feel bad about your decisions. I honestly think work wolf likes you but all he knows is the straight life. He is probably scared and confused about being with you he may act on those feeling with you or he may continue to surpress those feeling and continue dealing with vixens. It’s just a sucky situation, I wish it was so much easier to meet a discreet wolf.
Maybe you should because you driving your own self crazy with this friendship. You can’t accept things for what they are and trying to lived in a reality that’s not real. You need some serious dick or a man to fall in love with. Because whether it’s him or another straight wolf you befriend and become attractive to…..this will never end. You have to find your own life to lived, which is what work wolf is doing.
^why do people think finding dick and fuckin randoms will make life 100% better?
that is a endless cycle that also leads to its own bullshit.
What you are doing is a helluva a lot worst then just getting dick…..you are following in love with an unavailable man and thinking about possibly ending a great friendship because you aren’t getting what you want out of it. Have u even thought about how this will crush that man…..he may never befriend another gay man. Because if he doesn’t reciprocate homosexual desires and feelings towards his gay male friend who’s attracted to him, they will just cut him off. A lot of straight men stress this very thing about befriending gay men.
Jamari, you have no idea how much I relate to what you’re going through right now. I’m not sure if you ever caught my other response to one of “work wolf” entries but, I had a very similar connection to a friend back in school who I’ll call “college wolf” . It’s funny because the song “S.O.S.” even had the exact same affect on me too. I can’t tell you how to play this but, I’ve been there and got through and you will too. I dont know you personally but, i can tell you’re smart and you’re strong. My only advice to you would be to step back, look at your life, get right with yourself, and work on not making “work wolf” your romantic ideal.
^yeah I think stepping back is the move.
it makes me so sad to have to say that tho.
like I keep asking myself why did I even let this happen?
i have been emotionally beatin myself up since I walked in the door.
I have have two black eyes at this point.
Smh.
i have folllowed your “friendship” with work wolf through your entries. I disagree that the ending of your connection with him would be for the best. In reality, it sounds like he has filled an emotional void that you chronicled at one time or another in the foxhole. You are in a difficult spot, but I think that ‘ending’ the friendship would send you into a dark place. He has, at your admission, been very supportive of you, genuinely cares for you, and is not, consciously, trying to lead you on or play with your emotions. I wouldn’t be too hasty with any decisions you make regarding work wolf. A thought: Is this something that you could open up to him about and share with him so that you could work thought it together. Honestly, you seem to get ‘life’ from this friendship. Proceed carefully.
I agree Observer, Jamari, losing this friendship would actually be detrimental to your well-being at the moment. Observer has scored a bulls-eye with this one. He is special and important to you now, so you kinda have to work through it somehow.
^thank for this comment.
i don’t want to end the friendship,
i just want to move on from the feelings I have.
they are too intense and I feel like i’m in an emotional time bomb.
Liar Liar is a ghetto bitch and there nothing you can do about it. Just nod your head, smile and don’t look into her eyes, and when she yells at you again, just daydream like you just don’t care. But I don’t know what to say about the work wolf situation cause personally for me I don’t believe in having str8 friends (male o female). They’re sometime cool as associates, but not friends. Gay/bi friends are perfect for gay people only
Oh wow. This is getting tough. You’re going through the motions of emotions. It is not going to be easy. You’re going to have to find peace with this situation somehow, and I can’t tell you how since I don’t know either. If this is going to work for you,I think you’re going to have to accept it for what it is. Again, there’s nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to him, but you’re going to have to understand that its not going to be reciprocated any time soon. and if it’s going to work, you’re going to have to be okay with that unfortunately. I like you guys as friends, I really do, but I don’t like that you’re hurting at the same time. This situationship is like a double-edged sword. The closer you guys get, the deeper it stabs you in the heart.
Old Head made the best comment regarding your situation saying how you should find good gay black men that you’re attracted to so it relieve some of the emotional stress of dealing with a straight guy. I’m not sure how or where to find these men though, other than those “sites/apps” but I don’t think that’s what he meant lol.
You’re just having a bad day too, it’s okay. Just let things cool off and reevaluate this.
^you also hit the nail on the head d.
im having a bad week.
i maybe jumping through the various emotions.
maybe it’s a full moon or the planets are aligned to the right.
maybe I need to go to bed or something.
I was gonna joke and ask if you were on your period.
^LOL
shit I just might be!
thanks irish I needed that laugh.
We have all been a fool for love, we have all experienced unrequited love.You cant control who you fall for .The only people who dont experience this heartache is people who have shut themselves off from love.You cant control your feelings but you can control your actions.If you feel this relationship is causing you more pain than joy, than you may have to end it.Only you can make that decision.
^i want to end the feelings,
but I don’t want to end the friendship.
he is a good person.
it’s not his fault.
it’s mine and I accept that.
Jamari, you REALLY need to stop letting this check come at you and get under your skin. It’s your ass or hers. She has no right to yell at you in front of people like that, that is disrespectful. You can tell her that if she has an issue with you, she can take you into a conference room or office and talk to you like an adult. You will not be chastised as if you were a child. There is nothing wrong with you saying that to her.
With a person like that, if she sees that she can get to you, she’s going to continue her antics. Someone needs to come back at her, and watch that trick back down real quick. People like to test you to see how far they can go with you. Me, I nip that shyt in the bud FAST. Screw that pick your battles wisely bullshit.
To get respect you have to give it…and I have no problem telling anyone that.
I’m not sure what kinda office you work at, but if your HR isn’t doing anything for you, I’d be looking at Department of Labor to come pay a visit for an unsafe and hostile work environment. LOL
OOOh, that chick would HATE me because I’d come at her with some slick comments.
Ya’ll need to document the stuff she does (dates and times) and MYSTERIOUSLY send that shit interoffice to the head of the company. I’d do some devious shyt like that. Mess with me…I’m comin’ for ya! LOL
Awwww I want to give you a big Hug right now.
Again I know exactly how you feel, I’m going through the exact same thing. (I just don’t have no bitch like liar liar around.) I have put myself out like this for my wolf friend to the point where I have to look at myself and wonder “how did I let one man have me be this emotional wreck?” I am still trying to put him in the friend zone for good but it’s like the wind. On most days he’s in that zone but than others I’m lusting after him.
I try, as I know you have to put my feelings in check when he brings up vixens, hell I’ve even had vixens come up to us while we’re out and about straight up flirting with him and he’s eating it up while I’m standing there like a third wheel. I have snapped on him a time or two and than had to automatically remember “he did nothing wrong, he is straight Mikey boy you know this get it together” and than I would have to apolgize and he would just laugh or brush it off. Sigh
I have wonder many of times maybe this friendship should end because it can’t be healthy, but than I start thinking (and please no one judge) how I would be super money without having him as my friend, not being able to joke with him, or go places, and just have that relationship we do, I get scared that if the friendship ended, a vixen could just take my place and take away that special friendship we have because a vixen would be able to give him that and pussy, while I would be going months without sex and having to search for the one all over again by myself. Like he would be able to move on with his life easy and I wouldn’t.
I don’t know if you are having the same feeling about work wolf but I’m guessing you are because it’s making you sad as it has me. It’s tough but we have to either keep our emotions in check or let this go, our self sanity is worth so much more. Keep your head up J.
^you hit the nail on the head mikey.
i am so mad at myself for even letting this get this far…
Don’t be mad it’s just another one if those annoying life lessons to learn from. I wish I could take my emotions out of things and just be a carefree hoe lol jk
^i wish i could be as well.
Maybe God is trying to tell you to let go, move on to someone who will feel the same way about you in that way, I too am looking for true love I have not been with a man I years, I long to be touched and wanted but now I know that having a fat ass or slim waist does not get you true love just pipe, I was feeling a guy like your work wolf but I get mad when he will not show me the attention like he shows girls but they got what these type of men want ,cat God will in his time and in time and when I can really be thankful put my match in my space for me to know,and get to know and fall in love, with no games, I am much to grown to let fear stop me from meeting who is God meant for me,my heart is open to the right things to come into my life but only if good says so. I am so full just knowing God has it all in control just let him know you trust him and his will,but be ready if your work wolf is not the one to say bye, sometimes satan will make shit look like gold only to mess up our mind with fear, lies lust and also so we can not hear gads voice(still small voice) let God speak to your heart, ask him to reveal the truth about work wolf and about liar lair, be ready for his answer know that he is the way truth and thank you (Jesus) life. You just have to know that God has already worked this thing out now you have to ask him to reveal it and trust his answers as he lets them be answered, I love you because your blog saved me , let Jesus be a fence around you. Give God all the glory and what ever happens know it was all apart of his place for your life and growth, love peace and light.
^thanks jolette.