tomorrow starts my new path on the mountain trail:

“i cum first”

as i said i would from the “no more mr nice guy” break free exercise.
today i have been in a reflective kind of mood.
for some odd reason,
i feel nervous about:

– putting me first
– stop care taking
– no more external validation
– change my thinking with affirmations/responsibility training

it’s like i’m already thinking ahead,
rather than staying in the present moment.
since the foxhole is my “safe person”,
i have been having a lot of slips.
i’ll tell you with what…

Continue reading “I’m Cummin’ Up To A New Mountain” →

well i guess i got my first test today!
how fast was that?!…
Continue reading “I Smell Like A Sudden Test” →

it’s funny how certain situations in our lives work.
you think it’s all bad,
but in reality,
it serves as a purpose to show you who you are.
who you really are.
it’s like a mirror.
one that only shows all the flaws underneath your armor.
we like to cover things up with material shit,
or many different distractions,
but being in a shit storm has a way of uncovering everything you kept hidden.
that could be the reason why most of us hide behind selfies and “likes”.
we don’t want to allow ourselves to get naked and get real.

“beyonce ain’t never been weak!
you know she the queen ‘n’ shit…”

this situation with work wolf has me picking myself apart.
i won’t even lie to you.
the day he put me on that silent treatment,
are the days i have spent asking myself so many questions.

“am i a good person?”
“maybe i shouldn’t have …”
“was he tired of me?”
“what did i do wrong?”
“did he use me?”
“who have i been replaced with?”
“was i even a factor in his life?”

it has stirred up so much ugly.
i’ve been having this one particular thought tho.
i just shared with karaoke via text…
Continue reading “The Flawless Fur of Ugly Animals” →

i have some good animals in my life.
they love me and stand by my emotional ass.
look i can be full of the feels.
#dontjudgeme
#loveme
anyway one of my home-vixens,
who i love ever so much,
sent me the following the other day.
we talk about our future goals and aspirations on the daily,
so this huffington post article was right up my alley.
it’s about when you feel you are falling behind in life.
myself,
and many of the foxhole,
may feel we aren’t where we need to be.
the entire article was written by jamie varon and well…
Continue reading “Fallin’ Behind In Life (Catch a Cab to First Place)” →

FOXMAIL

Dear Jamari,

First and foremost I just want to let you know that I love your daily blogs. They’re on my top 5 “do to” lists whenever I decide to log on my laptop every morning. It’s nice to have a little haven where we can all relate in some way as black men in the LGBT community.

This is going to be a bit of a ride so buckled up..

Now here is the thing.. I am a 19 year old student and I currently live with my parents. They know I’m gay since I came out to them a year ago but they weren’t too pleased about it (duh) so ever since that day they pretty much brushed it under the rug and never spoke about it ever since. My father took it better than my mother, he thinks it’s a phase and my mother just walked out the room when I came out because she couldn’t take it. Nothing bad happened though, no insults/beatings etc. They just couldn’t wrap their heads around it so it got awkward. My brothers & sister took it well though. Needless to say I feel lost when it comes to having guidance being a black gay man. I feel like had I had a mentor or advice given to me while I was dealing with this then I wouldn’t have made a lot of the mistakes that I’ve made. Especially in my mid-teens.

Anyways, my supervisor at my retail job decided to end my contract a few days before Christmas so as you know I was really beat up about it. Needless to say a modelling agent who scouted me weeks before that just informed me that I got signed to my current modelling agency. However after a month in, I still haven’t gotten any talks about payments for the work that I did so I feel like I was sold a dream. So I don’t have much faith in it anymore..

So here comes to juicy part, I signed up to this site for Sugar Daddies/Babies called “Seeking Arrangement” all out of boredom and curiosity. I am 6’3, bronze complexion, have an athletic build & have a really chiseled bone structure. Now a couple guys have hit me up, and one guy who flew in my city yesterday to visit for business wants me to go on a date with him tomorrow. He let me know that as a part of our arrangement that physical intimacy will definitely have to happen at some point if I want to keep this arrangement going. This guy has a networth of more than $620,000. His profile stated that his networth was $6 mill. I’ll take that with a grain of salt though. He is average looking and he really wants to spoil me.

Here is the issue, I haven’t been paid in a while and I am in real need of quick money. I’m tired of asking my parents for money when I know they have to provide for my siblings too. I have needs. But there is a side of me that feels so grim for even going along with this. I feel like I was blessed with a life where I don’t need to do it and I feel lowkey immoral for it too. I was damn near depressed in class all day today thinking about it. I feel like I’ll be scarred for life if I have sex for money. Because that pretty much what having a Sugar Daddy is all about. But in the other side of my mind I was thinking about all the money that I could get.. I’m just so torn at the moment.

Any insight? Please

MY ANSWER…

Continue reading “f0xmail: My Potential Sugar Daddy Wants Sex Too! Help!” →

i must have come a long way.
before,
my anger issues would have had me going in.
( x see why here )
now…
i’m all zen and shit.
…the fuck did that happened?
i have learned something about me…
Continue reading “You Missed.” →