suicide.
it is such an interesting topic.
one i know all too well because i’ve been at that dead end.
you think you’re killing yourself will free up the world of “you”.
“you” are the problem.
no one cares about you,
or someone hurt you,
so it’s best you end it all.
they will see your lifeless body,
shed a few tears,
and throw you in the ground.
everyone will move on and that will be that.
no.
it’s a lot more than that.
i started to understand the trail it leaves behind recently…
no.
i’m not dead.
things have been going wrong in my life tho.
i have been feeling like i just can’t get shit right.
i got a few wins by the window and my laptop gettig fixed.
the gas is still off,
but i found a work around to still be able to eat.
toaster ovens are the best inventions ever.
the losses are feel bigger tho.
losing a couple “friends” recently
having to get over and see ww moving on from my life
that doctor’s bill after getting my credit in order
having to look for a job but not having the urge to do so
feeling invisible af to everyone but those close to me
having this sudden weird needy validation to social media
feeling like my life is going nowhere and i’m worthless
to make matters worse,
my website has added onto my stress.
the one place that has become my therapy.
issues.
it went from working great to having a ton of issues.
caching
widgets
no sharing option
a few steps forward and tumble all the way back down the mountain.
so i think to myself when i’m laying in bed at 2am:
“why not kill myself?
who will care?”
…right?
in my mild depression,
i started watching a show on netflix called “13 reasons why”.
it was a book brought to the little screen with the help of selena gomez.
yes.
it seems she actually reads books.
well it’s about a snow bunny who kills herself and leaves a trail to the reason why through cassettes.
she sends the tapes to the people responsible as to what led her into killing herself.
DEEP AF
i’m about to start episode 5 later,
but the show shows how suicide effects others once you are gone.
the ones who were innocent and the others who played a role.
i can see where others would say it’s selfish act.
you leave behind people who actually care about you.
the ones who pretended to care show their true colors eventually,
but the ones who you left a mark in their lives will feel it.
you left a mark in someone’s life if you care to believe it or not.
they will feel that loss when they’re reminded of you.
even if you leave a note,
they will be left here on this earth to figure out the mid fucks of:
“how”
“why”
and “what did i not do to make you stay?”
i get it.
it’s tough when you have the pills or knife to really think clearly,
but i guess you have to stop and think:
mother
father
brother
sister
best friend
husband
wife
those millions of readers who live vicariously with you
^that is the “selfish” part.
a little part of them will die everyday as well.
I know this story all too well, I had a very low point at the end of last year that had me beyond thinking about suicide and more so about to doing it. I went to the hospital broke down twice there, they couldn’t help unless I had did the harm to myself already I went to the mental health place they told me to go to and still couldn’t get the right kind of help. I felt alone and wanted to give up. By the grace of god my mom was able to talk to the head psychologist and they pulled some strings to get me a therapist. I still have my moments of depression come but I’m getting through it . I prey with my whole heart for my situation to change and I try hard to have the faith that my life will get better for me and others going through it as well. I don’t want to be a slave to the insecurities , loneliness, and self doubt anymore.
Jamari I have been a fan for a very long time, I don’t comment often but I am here. In a previous posting I shared some of my journey, I am sure I am the eldest follower you have so I speak from experience. I have been lucky enough to have had love in my life most of my life. In between those loves there have been some very low points and I do mean low. I empathize with how you feel and in now will I try to invalidate those feeling because they are real! But take from someone who has been there they are only temporary but death is final. I have been there as well, I think I mentioned that 5 years ago I was caught up in The Arab Spring and shot up very bad and heard the Doctor say the I would die that night, oddly I had no fear. Of course I did not die but it was a very hard struggle back, over a year. My Lover (The Love of my Life) was killed one week before I made it back to the Middle East, another crushing blow. I survived that as well, it was not easy. Today I am happy, I have a full life, I am very involved in my community, I do speaking engagements, Working on an Arts Program to keep young brothers out of jail by promoting their talents, I tutor school kids in math, etc. My Life is so full right now. I love Me very much.
I say this to say I don’t know if I would want to be a young gay man in todays world, You Guys seem to have so many more issues that we had back in the day when were more invisible. Our friendships were more solid because we had to depend on each other more for safety. You guys seem to be more isolated, meeting on social media instead of meeting randomly as we did. In college I shared an apartment with 5 other gay guys and we are still close today although we are scattered all over the world. Being a gay man and not in a relationship of love can be a very lonely place to be. I have been there and I know. But once more it only temporary , use that time to get to really know yourself and what you really want and move heaven an earth to get it!! And most of all get out of that house!! It is Spring, start walking Dailey, Just walk and breath! Trust me the night is always darkest just before dawn. Life is out there, Love is out there, just make yourself open to it and it will come. Get Out Of The House!!!
You have brought a smile to my face often enough for me to feel like a big Brother and that is what I hope you get from this. You are not alone and yes you are Loved.
Much Love My Brother.
^thank you for the comment dw!
thank you for following me on this journey and sharing your story with me today as well.
you are right.
it is hard to really meet those in the life anymore.
i hope one day to live a full life as you are.
thank you for sharing!
It’s funny you wrote this because last night I thought about killing myself. I never realized being an adult could be so damn stressful and scary. I really wish I had a time machine to go back to my childhood.
^lindo!
being an adult is hard.
trust me,
i know.
just keep on praying to God for him to lead you out of despair and onto the path that you need.
i have to keep close to God from slipping.
please do the same!
Jamari this post is so deep, I don’t even know where to start. Jamari there are times where I think to myself why I’m I here. There has been plenty of times, where I thought about ending it. Accepting and loving myself is one of the hardest things I have done. I remember a few years back I was close to taking those pills and saying goodbye. Then, I thought to myself my younger siblings, parents, family members, friends, would be so devastated. I don’t like seeing my family hurting, and to think the hurt I would put on them for the rest of their lives made me not do it. Honestly, Jamari the foxhole and the foxhole bros have really helped me out. In 2012 is when I found the foxhole, and I was going through it in my personal life. I’m so very fournate for all you guys. Jamari don’t ever give up on life bro. Life is very precious and has a lot to offer us. You have been through so much, but guess what your still here standing. You can’t compare your life to others, like you mentioned social media. Social media is so fake, sometimes the ones with the designer clothes, vacationing to this exotic places, driving luxury cars, are selling their souls for all these things. My advice to you, would be get out a little more. I have mentioned before join a gym Jamari, you don’t have to join one of these expensive gyms. There are some cheap gyms out here like Planet Fitness. Of course going to the gym you see great eye candy and potential to meet a wolf, but working out is a stress reliever for me. After I work out I feel so great, and my stress levels go down no joke. Just remember Jamari don’t give up, you are loved.
^thanks eric.
as always,
your comments are always welcomed.