so last night,
i decided to meet up wit star fox’s “x”.
he hit me up and said he was in the area to grab dinner.
we met up at a nice spanish spot to catch up.
who knew he would end up letting me have it last night?
sheesh…
so before i got to the restaurant,
i saw this SUPER fine wolf walking towards me.
he was:
tall,
brown skin
a thick muscular build.
his clothes fit his body so good
he saw me and instantly looked down at his phone.
that bothered me.
that happens a lot actually.
then as i was in the barber shop,
this other fine wolf walked in straight from the gym.
he.
was.
a.
teenage.
dream.
he was soooooo fine.
tall,
serious body
caramel
his face was perfect
he saw me and looked away.
again.
so i felt low-key depressed.
i felt like something was wrong with me.
was i ugly?
am i a queen and don’t realize it?
is there a curse on my life?
are my parents cock blockin’ from heaven?
like,
wtf is happening?
x saw i had something on my mind.
i’m no good at hiding my emotions on my face.
plus the comments in ( x this entry ) also had me in thought.
so i told him what was going on with me and my issues.
its like i just exploded about everything.
he knows me,
is gay,
and could offer some constructive criticism.
he said the line we all dread:
“aight time for some tough love…”
i braced myself for what he said.
he said a lot but this is what i remember:
“jamari.
i walk down the street and dudes look off from me.
at first it bothered me,
but after asking people,
they told me i look intimidating.
you look serious and you probably scaring these pineapples half to death.
there is nothing wrong with you.
the reason people look off from you is you are attractive,
put together,
and look like you not with the dumb shit.
how you think they going to be?
of course people will feel awkward around you…”
hmm.
i do the same when i see someone i’m attracted too.
i don’t want them to know i am looking.
“aha” moment number 1.
so as we started talking,
he asked me:
“why do you base your life off superficial shit?”
i had said something about the jackals and hyenas meeting these wolves,
the fine ones,
and being able to fuck them.
so he goes in:
“jamari i want you to hear yourself.
the queens are getting them…
for sex.
they aren’t dating them.
there is no ring on the finger.
this is dick.
i have fucked with a few queens when i was real horny.
no doubt they got good ass,
but thats just it.
good ass.
the way how queens do it is they meet him,
fuck him,
and go home.
they’ll initiate contact for more sex,
but if he doesn’t respond,
then its back to meeting another pineapples.
take it from me.
i have slept around because i was looking for something.
i have issues!
i realized just recently that i wasn’t happy.
even as a wolf,
i wanted to find someone to love me.
which is why i asked to be with you that one time.
so do you really think people who are sleeping around are happy?
imagine sleeping with the fine dude that won’t call you again?
that hurts and you should be glad you aren’t experiencing that side of life…”
this is why i’m not good at one night stands.
i said:
“well people online glorify sleeping around.
its almost like sex is our calling card for finding a relationship…”
the said:
“um its online!
everyone can say whatever they want online.
i say dumb shit online.
i’m alone and looking to be loved just like they are.
gays are able to live in a fantasy world online.
meet them offline and they don’t have their life together.
some of them not even decent people but can judge everyone else…”
then this is where shit got real:
“you are too invested off superficial shit j.
i been meaning to tell you this for a while.
shit like meeting a pineapples and sex.
you base yourself off how you look and how men should treat you.
you think that because you are attractive,
pineapples should approach you on the street.
some of them are straight and the ones who are gay,
don’t know how to come at you.
you don’t even realize you have so much power that its crazy…”
come again…
“do you know that you are in such a better position in life.
your own crib,
good job besides the bullshit,
you just told me you got a credit card,
no kids,
and no diseases.
plus you are good looking and can dress.
our asshole doesn’t need to be sewed back together.
what is the issue again???
these pineapples out here not even on your level of life!
you need to stop this self destruction before its too late.
this can become an issue…”
“aha” moment #2.
i guess i never looked at my life in that way.
he goes on:
“if you would spend your time focusing on what you need to do,
you would be so high in life.
i see so much potential for you and you are wasting it on dumb shit.
start to realizing your power and you gonna see your life different…”
he is right.
i almost felt tears come out my eyes.
i was in a restaurant tho.
wasn’t gonna do that in there.
i honestly wrote this crying tho.
just trying to remember what he said made me feel so bad about myself.
what have i done to myself ya’ll?
ya know…
i spent much of my life beating myself up,
that i haven’t actually embraced the good parts of myself.
i don’t know how and that hurts me.
i’ve just been going through like numb to anything good that has happened.
i do it and don’t even pat myself on the back.
i think thats what star fox said when he would say i “have a light”.
i refused to turn it on because i didn’t believe it.
so much because it makes me feel stagnant every day.
its funny how someone can tell you who you are,
but you never even considered that side.
“aha” moment #3?
lowkey: maybe….
i’m not ready for a wolf yet?
i may not know how to handle it.
that’s the realest statement ive made in a while.
Well damn…that’s hella deep. But it makes sense. Appreciate who you are and what you have. You don’t need validation from others, because like X said you are in a good, stable place and you have your shit TOGETHER. You aren’t like the rest of these gays…5-6 dudes sharing a one bedroom apartment with their ‘gay daddy/brother/uncle/sister/cousin. People are afraid of that for some reason.
i honestly agree with what he’s saying there’s NOTHING glamorous about meeting sexy people online…take it from someone who has been down that road numerous times, it’s OLD now and redundant..and it’s nothing feeling empty afterwards i really feel whenever you sleep with someone they take some of your spiritual energy with them..i read this statement under this picture that read “Sexually transmitted demons are much harder to deal with then sexually transmitted diseases, watch who you open yourself up to, everyone isn’t for you”…and that resonated with me…our bodies are our temples and we have to value them more than we have in the past. .i’ll be 27 in 4 days and I’m evaluating my life and honestly i feel where your friend is coming from…and oh that friend of mine who was a retired soldier who i told you about that i met in that entry, with the locs, nice body and two children…once we began to really talk and converse with one another i think my ambition scared him off..at first he was saying all of the right things and i guessed he thought i was going to sleep with him ASAP but i wasn’t i told myself i was going to get a chance to figure him out…and i did and i realized a pattern he would only call or text me in the mornings on his way to work, at work or on his lunch breaks and in the evening when he was heading home or late nights…his texts were always short and his phone calls always sounded like it was urgent so i read between the lines that he had someone and i dont think it was another guy..i think he had a woman which completely contradicted everything he said about he was honest, and that he was single and mainly attracted to men..and once i began to talk about my goals and what i wanted our of a mate and how i didn’t want yet another dead end ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, (which to me is just a tired excuse of saying i want to fuck whenever i want and be done with it) he bailed with no contact whatsoever…
so on this day i challenge you all, myself included to focus on your endeavors and progression…that dream mate you want will come one day but focus on you and your power..whatever your goals may be everyone begin that journey today..go online and check ot the requirements you may need to finish that degree you want, or start on that book you want or to that fox or wolf who likes to travel make travel reservations to a nice warm location…it’s TIME to start living for YOU everyone, myself included so i will live and i will be myself and i WILL NOT entertain anymore losers who think i’m just a fantasy of theirs to fulfill because they’re str8 but curious or bisexual with an occasional itch for men smh
^im sorry malcolm that it didn’t work out.
i am with you on the second paragraph tho.
it’s time to stop seeking out a man and start looking for what we need to do.
don’t get me wrong,
im still gonna be about a fine ass man.
i ain’t dead LOL
but the beating myself up because I don’t have one will cease.
my convo with him last night has me in thought all day.
it really stuck with me,
especially after I asked god to help me understand why I feel so invisible last week.
i have no doubt god is prominent in my life and has been trying to get me to understand this concept for years.
Im glad this entry allowed people to have an “aha moment”.
Sorry it didn’t work out with that guy Malcolm. I agree with you on that second paragraph.
thanks on to a better me i guess…i’m just glad i didnt get too deep in lol!!!
^and neither did he!
lol
I’m soooooo saving this post, because it speaks volumes to me. I’m always speaking down on myself and talking about the negative things instead of the positive. A lot of the times it’s ” I don’t have the wolf of my dreams because I look like this, or because my AWS is flat, or I don’t have what they are looking for.” my friends are always telling me that crap doesn’t matter and the only person hung up on those things are me, so I feel you on this post. It may not have been what you wanted to hear but it needed to be said for not only you but me and your readers here dealing with the same thing.
Yea, you probably do intimate men. With the way you describe yourself, I bet I would be afraid to approach you. You have it going on. Those men who look away are gay for sure and find you attractive. They want to take a bite out of those buns lol. That peeping game shit happens to me all the time, on campus, Wal-mart, in church etc. They stare and then stop when I catch them and then stare again. Dudes can’t take their eyes off me lol.
I know that people who claim they do not want relationships are lying, the hookups are a smoke screen, but they want more. Every person wants that unconditional love, even JAY wants love lol. I called him out on it before a long while back and I am again lol. He knows he wants the love bug. This time next year, he’ll be settled down with a nice man and they will be cuddled up in the bed butt ass naked every night watching Netflix. I called it first.
Nope. I’m just a hot thottie lol
That was certainly an eye-opener for you and me. My best friend said that I was intimidating which is one of the reasons why I’m never approached. I wish there was a switch to cut off the intimidating factor, but I suppose that’s a good thing because it keeps bullshit men away from me. Life is so hard.
^and what he said was so simple,
yet so hard at the same time.
i feel depressed that ive probably missed so much being this way.
you are right though…
no bullshit men are in our lives.
masturbating keeps us from fuckin the wrong men,
honestly speaking.
Huh that is weird I was feeling the exact same thing as you were with an added bonus of being scared because I am 22 and never been on a date or had a boyfriend which was making me questions myself too. But chile I had a breakdown. Anyway even tho I don’t know you personally I can definitely see that you have potentials as well. And I totally agree with your friend.
^thanks.
it’s time I started believing it.
its time for us to turn on these light switches then lin.