inside jamari fox

Mask off.

What happens when the American dream morphs into a nightmare you didn’t sign up for?

for years,
we believed hard work and a degree guaranteed stability.
this christmas,
reality delivered a stocking full of coal.
muskrat and “that indian jackal” made it painfully clear…

Well,
to their defense which is just for this entry,
they didn’t really want him to have all this say in the new president’s cabinet.

…even though the new president did say he was gonna have him doing something.
people don’t listen like they used to?
so i think the buyer’s remorse is starting to sink in.

the regret has started to penetrate even harder now.
if you put your ears to the wind,
you’ll hear loud complaints in the void or quite whispers of regrets.
some have even pulled the ultimate vanishing acts after being so extra.
so i thought the plan was to deport illegal immigrants and lock the border…

So,
I cried…
today.
keyword: today.

i wasn’t about to get netflix just to see beyonce perform yesterday.
netflix and i are on bad terms right now,
but that’s another story.
today,
i watched her concert in houston and it was chef’s kiss.
it’s a whole different level when black excellence takes the stage.
bey has been the entire forest in an industry where we’ve had to fight just to plant roots.
yesterday,
she graced her hometown with a special christmas performance at some arena.
something about the nfl…
ya know,
who cares because once bey rode in on her high horse…

I got something that I didn’t realize until yesterday when I was in sudden pain.

it all started with an itch…

Have you ever wondered if life’s little messes are actually Gods way of sending us a message?

i didn’t want to leave my apartment at first.
it was 8am,
snow was coming down hard,
and my fridge was empty.
on top of that,
i was out of dishwashing liquid.
that is a survival essential if you hate dirty dishes as much as i do.

“i can do this tomorrow,” I thought.

….but what if tomorrow came and i pushed it back again?
tomorrow is christmas.
i was supposed to spend today with my straight boyfriend.
don’t ask,
it’s complicated.
he wanted us to do christmas eve and christmas together,
but plans got canceled thanks to him catching the flu.

So, it’s just me.
Again.

eventually,
i convinced myself to throw on some clothes and head to the store.
as soon as i stepped back outside with my groceries,
i noticed the snow had stopped.
out of nowhere:

BAM…

I haven’t been this shaken by a movie since “Requiem for a Dream”.
There is another one I saw that I don’t know the name but I never forget it either.
That movie dragged me through the trenches of addiction.
The ending of that movie left terrified of ever going there myself.

at 3 a.m tho,
curled up on my couch watching “the substance“,
i found myself stuck in pure horror…

and then running to my bathroom to vomit.
yes,
i threw TF up watching that movie…