i had such a long day.
i came in and crashed on the couch.
didn’t even take off my clothes.
just fell out and stayed there.
i haven’t been sleeping so i’m tired.
mi was at work.
when i opened my eyes 2 hours later,
she was on the floor across from me…
i was actually on her bed.
oops.
when i was alone,
the couch was my second bed.
i miss it.
i apologized.
she said it was okay.
since she has been back,
even tho we do talk,
but i’ve been keeping my distance.
well we decided to talk tonight.
a real talk.
it started off about me and feeling so emotionally drained.
how this “work wolf” thing makes me feel.
how i feel about him.
how i feel about my life in general.
the fact after rent i’m going to be so broke.
how there is no food in the fridge.
how i should be in a better place in life.
how i miss my parents and star fox.
it was like she was a therapist and i was the client.
i laid all my burdens on her.
she just listened.
this literally describes me right now:
word.
anyway the convo then drifted into her.
she told me how her phone broke and she threw it in the trash.
how she doesn’t even want a phone right now.
she is happy just being “missing”.
her focus is starting over and going back to school.
she picked up a second job.
“omg congrats!”
the convo with her was different.
she admitted a lot to me about how she has been feeling.
she realizes she has been a complete fuck up.
i told her how she isn’t that girl i knew back then.
the innocent one who looked up to me.
“life changed me.
when i lost my mother,
i put a wall up.
i’m disconnected.
i’m rough now.
i actually hate it.”
“i feel it with us.”
“i know,
but you are the only person i can trust.
you are the only good person in my life and i see that now.”
i told her how when i speak to her,
the only thing i can see in my mind is when she swung at me.
“i’m very sorry about that.”
i admitted that i’m still adjusting.
sometimes i want her to leave,
but i’m holding onto my comfort zone.
she hasn’t done anything so far.
she has been really quiet.
well i could do without the weave all over the place.
its like she sheds like a chinese poodle.
i’m really just guarded and ready to sabotage so i could be left alone.
something i’m working on.
i told her that i’m looking for a therapist.
she wants to look for one as well.
“i guess we are both a mess.”
yeah we are.
the good thing about being a mess is being able to admit it.
its only up from here.
You two need each other. You may be the only family each other has. I hope the talk was cathartic and your relationship will improve. Tell her if she even thinks about fighting you again I will come up from the DMV and snatch her weave out bare handed.
Sounds like both of you are going through it right now and you need to support each other. That dude is wearing you down man, I hope you get some answers about that soon.
It’s a process. You and your cousin are doing the hard work. When you develop insight, and the ability and WILLINGNESS to see yourself honestly, that’s when the breakthrough comes. Love yourselves through it.
There’s a breakthrough coming, and it will be painful, joyful and indescribable. When you find and love you, this life becomes a cakewalk. Become the loves of your lives. When you have that with you, the next step is to learn how to share you with another. Unconditionally and without expectation. You will have establishes and become your foundation and have true security in this world.
Peace & Blessings to the both of you. Be Beautiful!
^i really liked this comment nev.
it can also apply to other areas in my life too.
thank you for sharing.
I am glad you guys were able to have a real grown up talk, I know it’s still hard being around her after the fight.
P.S. I SO feel you on the weave everywhere thing my sister’s weave ends up in places I wouldn’t even think of, and of course she thinks it’s no big deal.
^that weave mess…
i was cleaning the bathroom and weave was all on the sponge.
I was getting dead tite about it.
it was making my skin crawl lol
Ahhhh the worst thing I hated abt living with a young woman is the weae every damn where. It’s on the sink, toilet, floor, the fridge lol
^YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
people fail to realize that communication is key to healing by you two talking you just knocked down some barriers in your relationship and slowly things will patch up and not only that you two will grow individually as an result….
^i’m going to make more an effort to talk to her.
she is trying to get her life together.
i am as well.
we had a moment,
but we are trying to coexist in the same space.
this has to work.
I really feel like you both need each other at this moment in your lives. It seems like she is growing and you are rubbing off on her. Communication is always a good thing. I hope the therapist hope both of you and can give you some relief. Sending positive vibes your way!
^thanks rain!
I feel famous, that screen shot is from my tumblr pave!
#endmoment
It’s amazing how emotionally raw that conversation seems to have been for you, especially with her being the unlikely shoulder than you were able to lean on. I always admire how straightforward you are in your dialogues with “Mi”. I’m hoping this conversation manifests to some sort of relief for you, Jamari!
^i’m more shocked you come to the foxhole blue!
thank you for blessing me with a comment.
that made my night.
the convo was pretty good.
i can see she is trying to change.
her throwing her phone away is a big step.
you don’t even understand.
she is in the living room reading a book.
there maybe hope for her yet.
so thats one thing in my life that is working out in a good direction.
J, I love the foxhole! I don’t always comment but I check your blog daily. It’s one of the FEW that I frequent.
I’m hoping that she’s going through a change for the better. I think being unplugged will help her focus on the things that are necessary/important.
Two broken souls, lost in this world, trying to find their way.
Keep going you guys, it’s tough but you will make it. I’m happy that Mi got a second job, you guys need the extra money.
It’s good that you’re talking with Mi again, even if it’s a little. I think it will help the both of you heal.
Take the help wherever you can get it! the past is the past and you two will have to make do, until Mi can get on her feet. Hopefully that will be soon.
^im so glad she got another job d.
her telling me that was like clouds moving and the sun coming out.
i feel a little more connected with her.
its a start,
but i’m willing to let the past go and move on.