i’ve been giving bad head

so i’m a cancer sun,
my moon sign is in virgo,
and i’m an aquarius rising.
that leads for some fun stuff up inside me:

cancer moon – emotional
virgo sun – critical of self
aquarius rising – detached; i come off chill and together

with all of that definitely comes with struggle.
i don’t know if anyone has been feeling this way but…

I have been feeling like I want to throw everything on the floor and walk away

in my head,
i’ve created a “doom time clock” that has me feeling on edge.
for the last two weeks,
i have felt like:

“You need to get a job!
You need to get a career!

You need to do something!
If you don’t,
you will be doomed!
I say!”

i’m sure that’s the cancer and virgo inside me having a battle.
my aquarius rising,
wants to remove myself from the situation because i feel overwhelmed with anxiety.
my therapist said i need to feel the emotions,
but that’s difficult because i’m so use to intellectualizing how i feel.
it stemmed from how i was raised in such a strict caribbean household.
i wasn’t allowed to feel emotions because as a kid,
i should have already had it together apparently.

right now,
everything in the entire world is weird af.
the news is causing so much anxiety and depression within us.
if it ain’t about the rona,
we are watching black males getting hunted like animals in the forests.
i’m on unemployment,
but my fear is it will run out soon and i’ll be doomed.
i know i don’t want another regular job,
but i feel intimidated by my career.
so it has me at my breaking point and i feel like i don’t want to deal with it.
my gut wants me to just relax,
but i feel like i should be doing so much more.

These are the real stories of those during The Rona

some of us are trying to hold it together,
even though our heads make us feel like things will fall apart at any given moment.
the pretty vixen fonted me this during a conversation this morning:

if anyone else is feeling the same,
i’d love to hear from you.

8 thoughts on “i’ve been giving bad head

  1. I’m an Aquarius sun, Aquarius moon and Gemini rising. I’m telling you now everything you just described is where I’m at. I’m an artist and I’m completing my mfa program next week but I’m here now trying to figure out that next thing. I have felt lonely and Feel as if I’ve been moving out of desparation instead of my purpose. I’m an extremely abolition’s and determined person and things always work out for me but at this time right now It’s hard for me to see my vision for my goals clearly. I feel you. I see you jamari and know that things will turn around for the both us us in due time. I think we have to allow ourselves to feel this but to be careful to not sit in it for too long.We’ll see!

  2. J, I use to think you were a Virgo before you revealed you were a Cancer LoL. As a Virgo I felt all of this about the anxiety and depression, when you have a sign that already worries too much and is always analyzing everything, this type of Rona energy the world is giving out is not good at all. I realize that I am emotionally and mentally exhausted with all this Corona madness, all these racist ass people in America and their callous attitude about murdering us, and the poor leadership we must endure with this stupid ass orange idiot directing us. I am over all of this shit I can easily see now how people use drugs and alcohol to escape from reality. Being away from family, friends and things we love and inside all the time can have a very negative psychological impact on our very souls, I am literally at this point in my existence just trying to stay sane but somedays I have to admit the walls are closing in on me.

  3. Ok call me whatever but I’m not into astrology so when people say things like my cancer sun and virgo moon, I’m all confused. Now as far as you Jamari, you think way outside the box. Your unemployment will keep getting extended as long as this virus is present. You have already gotten approved, just keep certifying as usual you good. Stop worrying about how people see you right now. Look at how Jamari sees Jamari. The news is crazy. Its like we are living in a real world version of the Avengers Infinity War and Jumanji. People fading away quick with this virus only to get hit with another plague. Now there are killer hornets. Good thing about that is the bees taking care of them. If you see a hornet the size of your hand, don’t duck, don’t use your bare hand. Use something hard and unbreakable and smash it. The stinger on that hornet can kill you. As long as people quarantine right, we don’t have to worry about them and they can die. Sometimes its best to just turn the news off. Even if you are scrolling, scroll past it. If you dismiss the fear the news is pushing, everything becomes a lot better in this struggle. All we have is each other. Let the ones who want to be test dummies go outside and be a number. I know that sounds bad but they will find any way to rebel for something more stupid than being bored. H1N1 was way more devastating than this and was not this bad.

    1. ^i really love you for this comment tbbc.
      i really appreciate this message you left.
      it was really helpful and calmed me down because i was going through it today.
      we all need to be in alignment more than ever.
      folks need shoulders and strength because times are so crazy right now.

  4. …my brother, you are heard, you are loved and you are not alone. Sending love and light your way from the Boogie down.

  5. Jamari, hun, I didn’t know you were Caribbean-American like me! I’m Guyanese-American and I was raised the same way. Smh. It’s a never-ending revolving door of emotions that you have to confront headfirst and immerse yourself in fully until you’re ready to let go and forgive your parents for how they raised you.

    1. ^bajan-american here!

      i’m trying to learn how to forgive them bb.
      it’s really tough tho.
      we gon’ get through it soon.

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