yesterday was weird.
it seems everyone was dealing with something.
well on my end way.
i don’t know if the planets were aligned on opposites side of space,
but everything was all fucked up.
so i did myself a favor…
i took the day off.
personal day.
i had the urge to call out.
something inside me was telling me to use a day.
my foxy senses maybe?
i was up anyway.
my night was restless.
i was thinking a lot about these last few weeks.
hell years.
its funny when you look back,
you can see where things went wrong.
messing with that person you gave your all too
investing money on things that didn’t pan out
letting depression and insecurity send you back to the valley
joining the wrong squad and not seeing the red flags
its okay.
its life and it fuckin’ sucks.
it will always have its moments.
those who look down on you will fall eventually,
while others who look up find a way to climb.
life is all about:
maneuvering
focus
discipline
luck
aggression
trial and error
striking while the iron is hot
strong people can lose their strength.
its also okay to admit you did.
everything you want is still in there,
but it’s underneath all the rubble that was created.
you have to allow yourself to be weak so you can be strong.
reinventing yourself ain’t easy.
it will always be a challenge.
you have years of learned traits from when you were a cub.
if you can identify all your positives and negatives,
and allow them work together to create who you are,
then this usually happens:
first start is forgiveness.
that is the where the path starts to change.
so say this first:
For all those I have harmed,
knowingly or unknowingly,
I am truly sorry.
Forgive me and set me free.
For all those who have harmed me,
knowingly or unknowingly,
I forgive you and set you free.
And for the harm I have done to myself,
knowingly or unknowingly,
I forgive myself and I set myself free.
people don’t tell you who you are.
you tell them.
whose going down next?
NOT YOU
…if your phoenix and jamari fox has anything to say about it.
Speaking of day off, my pussy is so fucking wet right now cause I had to write this long ass paper and I finally finish it. It took me almost 4 hours to get it over with, but the plus side is tomorrow no classes. YAAAY!!! Chile these professors are getting on my last nerve.
Love this Jamari! Well said!
A moment of self reflection.
I can definitely see where I went wrong. The problem is, I don’t quite understand my state of mind back then. I was never the type of person to just live in the world without an inner thought. I’ve always been, I don’t know quite how to put it so I’ll say conscious. I’d be in a better place had I not been so preoccupied with finally being free from my dad. I finally had some peace. I guess I became too comfortable. I now suffer from anxiety partly because I keep thinking I’m never gonna amount to anything because I’m too old, too this, too that to do what it is I want to do.
Something you said last year helped me. It was in your New Years Resolution entry. You said to not give yourself a set date in time to do something. I’ve found that helped because I no longer put pressure on myself. I used to be like “I’m gonna do such and such by June 15th.” Once June 15th rolled around, I’d feel like a failure because I hadn’t accomplished what it was I set out to accomplish. My mind is at ease when I don’t give myself a deadline.
As for forgiveness. I have actually asked for forgiveness from God for all the people I hurt. It doesn’t help much because those people don’t know how sorry I am. What does help is the fact that I’ve at least thought about those situations. It shows me that I’m not so selfish that I don’t give a second thought to my misbehavior.
I can learn to forgive myself but it’s not gonna happen overnight. That’s why I love the quote “we’re our own worst enemies.” I truly am my worst enemy.
I don’t know if I can forgive my dad or anyone else who has hurt me just yet. If I was in a good place with a stable income. Hell yeah I could. But as of this moment, no. I feel I will eventually be in a place to forgive him and everyone else so there’s still hope.
^this is really deep.
you helped me last night with your comment.
I needed that.
i am glad you are on this path of life zen.
I feel good things for you.
I relate to this Zen! I’ve just decided to let life do its thing, and stop trying to control everything.I still control SOME things, but not everything, and i try to let go of the things that are out of my hands. It took some time to get used to that because I’m a control freak lol, and I get anxiety when I feel like I’m losing control.
Cross those bridges when you get to them, but still doing your due diligence!
Don’t sweat the small stuff!