in the middle is where i thought i liked it

i always felt like i’m in the middle ground of life.
i try to stay there because it feels the most balanced,
but i often feel the most underappreciated as well...

When I’m too nice,
I get walked over.

When I’m too much of an asshole,
people can’t take it.

I’m cool enough to “know”,
but not enough to be “remembered”.

I’m fun for the moment,
but not for the long-term friendship/relationship.

I’m great while I’m there,
but easily forgotten.

I’m “let me show him signs of interest”,
but “let build up his hope and waste his time”.

 in the middle gets me completely ignored.
it’s kinda like the foxhole at times.

I’m not sexual enough for some gays.
I’m too gay for the straights.
I’m “adult content” but not “adult content” enough.

so i’m stuck in this place where i feel i’m not taken seriously.
when i look around at others in society,
the successful ones seem to be on one side of the spectrum.
i feel like i’ve been on the outside constantly.

Where do I even stand in this world?

…i could also be in my head too.
i’ve been trying to be out of that place but it’s hard af.

i dunno.

7 thoughts on “in the middle is where i thought i liked it

  1. This was a deep read and very well relatable. I’m pretty much the A in the lgbtqa community, but my demeanor, my looks etc makes me a complete outcast in such world. I’m not straight enough for the straight folks, not queer enough for the gays. I’m
    Too rough looking for the gay folks but too soft for the straight folks….so at this point, I too walk my own path and am I right in the middle. Dare I say I’m ok with it at this point. It’s very drama free here lol

  2. “Oh the lament in lamentations”.
    Jamari, what you just posted is already helping so many who read your blog. Think of it this way “You, me, many; simply are destined to be anomalies amongst our fellow human travelers and you may have to mind meld and adjust to that reality.
    You see it as being a inhabitant or observer from the middle ground standpoint. In reality though, we are just too damn amazing to fit in any box. The indefinible, magical quality you possess is too LARGE and can’t be contained, received, accepted because it isn’t meant to be.🥰😍💯 Consider getting used to that fact.

  3. Plays “In the Middle” by Blu Cantrell.

    You’re rating yourself on a metric of how other people consider you. When you exist in your own universe, people can either get with it or keep it moving. You may not have a crowd, but if people do join you in your universe, they’ll actually want to be there.

    This is why elderly people come off as rude and not wanting to deal with BS. They tried to people please, be fake and it got them nowhere so now they have no ducks left to give. Exist and be the Jamari you want to be. Whoever doesn’t like it isn’t giving you coins, pipe or support so they’re irrelevant anyways.

    1. ^its been a tough time for me.
      i don’t know what is happening within The Universe but as of late,
      i’m struggling to get it together.
      it’s a season and not a lifetime.

      1. I’ve been on TikTok lately and my favorite thing to do is look up tarot readings by Black people. I don’t believe in signs like that but when I’m bored or down, it’s interesting.

        They’re always saying “take what resonates, leave what doesn’t”.

        Jamari, every day they read me for filth. “You need to let the past go. Let go of people who no longer serve a purpose in your life. You need to believe your plans will come to fruition. Stop doubting yourself. Clean house. You have trauma you refuse to address and heal. There are snakes who will reveal their true intentions. Pay attention”

        Like..I just came to get a cute little fortune cookie “Your prince is coming”. All of this extra. BYE

        And you said Mercury retrograde ended. Chile, these past few weeks have been me in a blender. Chopped up and screwed from every effing angle.

        We’ll figure it out though.

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