tomorrow starts my new path on the mountain trail:

“i cum first”

as i said i would from the “no more mr nice guy” break free exercise.
today i have been in a reflective kind of mood.
for some odd reason,
i feel nervous about:

– putting me first
– stop care taking
– no more external validation
– change my thinking with affirmations/responsibility training

it’s like i’m already thinking ahead,
rather than staying in the present moment.
since the foxhole is my “safe person”,
i have been having a lot of slips.
i’ll tell you with what…

i’ve been thinking a lot about work wolf.
i don’t know how to stop.
he sees me and i don’t exist.
when i see him,
i ignore the fuck out his life as well.
i don’t look in his direction as i know he does with me.
he speaks to a lot of the animals when he comes around but me.
when i’m talking to someone he knows,
he tries to get their attention in a passive aggressive way.
i still pay him no mind and continue my conversation.
i don’t “miss him” as much as everything has been left the way it is.
it’s like broken glass on the floor that no one is going to clean up.

i had a dream about him last nigh tho.
we were on this half empty train.
there were many available seats.
i chose to stand while he sat down.
i looked in his direction and he did me.
we locked eyes for a moment and i saw the sadness in his.
he chuckled,
looked away,
and said:

“i hope you have a good day jamari”

i responded:

“same to you work wolf”

i came to my stop and as i was getting off,
i heard him yell “wait!”,
but i continued toward the door.
i looked back at him and he was looking dead in my eyes.
it was like he was trying to decide if he should follow me.
after the door closed,
and he told me to wait for him at that stop i was at.
i remember feeling hesitant,
but i sat on a bench and waited as i watched the train leave.
i woke up shortly after.

i don’t know why he takes over my mind the way he does.
it hasn’t made this process easier.
it often brings me down that things are this way,
but i have to remember he lost more than i did.
for the next month,
i want to try my best to remove him and put me in that place.

it felt good revealing that.
this is my truth.
the truth is never easy or nice.
i would rather not lie to please others.
 the book is helping.