46 thoughts on “I Want It Bad and That Ain’t Good”

1. Honestly, every now and then when I see a couple or even a group of homeboys hanging together there’s this flash of sadness because I don’t think I’ll ever have that companionship in general. Then the feeling passes and I go get some head to be honest. Haha.

   I’m an island.

   The only human contact/conversation I get is at work about work and with my trainer at the gym. Other than that I’m alone.

   I used to care, but time has hardened me and based on past experiences with men in general I could possibly have a deep seated hate for all gay/bi men within me anyway.

   You can’t change the values or lack thereof with men. You can’t rearrange their priorities. You can’t make them loyal or honest. You can’t make them care about you as a person. You can’t make them stay.

   Get what you need from them for a pick me up and get over it and move on is my motto.

   1. Jay, your solution is the solution of many gay men. They have “determined” that “99% of men are fake, flakes, frauds or phonies and that the majority of the rest are just plain crazy”. Accordingly, they have been disappointed and hurt over and over again by other men. Determined not to be victimized/hurt again, they become jaded and hard hearted. Having determined that men are good for only one thing–sex (not love, attention, affection or companionship)–they seek only physical release (sex) from other men in hook-ups, three-somes and other casual sex and “keep it moving”. So, Jay, your story is the story of many men.

      What’s a man to do? First, treat everyone according to his merits and not to the merits of your last boyfriend or the last six men that you dated or talked to or sexed or hooked-up with. It’s not fair for today’s man to have to deal with the baggage/bad dealings of the men of your past. Second, “trust but verify”. That is, insist on developing the type of healthy relationship that does encompass the building blocks of good relationships–compromise, communication, commitment, companionship and regard for cash–and if you cannot do that with that particular man, don’t commit to him for a full-fledged “relationship”. (Perhaps you can have a fling, a hook-up, a friend or a friend with benefits.) That is, don’t be played (with games) and don’t play games.

   2. Honestly it sounds like you should give women a try. Not being with companionship is not healthy. It’s not about turning you straight but look at it as connecting with another person. It’s simply easier to connect with women.

2. Jalen, the problem is NOT wanting an attractive man. The problem is that gay men repeatedly won’t settle for less than 100%. 85% or 95% won’t do. And the problem is that gay men repeatedly can’t or won’t do what relationships require–compromise, communication, commitment, companionship and forthright dealing with cash (money). So the problem is that all to often looks, body, sex, sex appeal and youth is or is nearly the Alpha and Omega.

3. I am new and I’ve been reading this blog for a while. After reading the comments, why do I get the impression that we as gay men cannot like what we like without getting bashed for it? Women don’t have to settle. If they say they want an attractive black man no one gets on their case. As soon as a gay man says he wants attractive gay man, suddenly everyone wants to condemn him for his choice. I’ve noticed this trend on various forums that cater to gay men. If we would stop living in this place of lack, we could get to higher heights with what we want out of life. Just my two cents and not here to argue.

4. If y’all walking up to these niggas I hope you got business cards. Y’all don’t know what y’all doing I see. I meet niggas because I have a career so I can network. That is the only possible way I see walking up to some random nigga. So get in some career that has you meeting all kinds of niggas and bitches. If not you just a fish out of water. Peace.

5. In order to get the nigga you want, you have to look good, have money, and be in the right place at the right time. All this extra shit being posted complicated things. Even bitches ain’t getting the niggas they want!!! The best way to meet a nigga is to meet niggas who know niggas. I can’t believe someone said walk up to some random nigga on some pussy shit… LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL you trying to get niggas shot out here??????

   1. We all meet dudes man. I know a lot of them as a matter of fact. No one just wants to meet dudes, they just want to meet the right man. Meeting dudes who know a whole bunch of dudes don’t solve shit. All it does is cause too many problems because so many men are going to be after you that you are going to lose count. Nobody got time for that shit. Dudes getting mad and shit. Everyone knows that men can’t do what women do. I said that long while back. However, dudes can start approaching guys more and opening themselves up that is pretty much what everyone has been saying.

6. Everyone in this comment needs to understand that what hoes do niggas can’t do. Stop watching fairytales and understand some niggas get that man and others might not. The advice for hoes don’t help nobody on a GAY forum.

7. How many of us are actually out there meeting men and requesting to go on dates and introducing ourselves and sparking up conversations? How many of us are sitting on our phones, addicted to social media and apps and talking about our issues on these platforms? We are so afraid of men. We know very little about them. We should start by getting to know how they tick.

   1. I feel for the kats that didn’t come up before the internet. I turned 18 in 1995 so the chat lines were still where you met folks if you were on the DL. You heard a voice, description and you connected on the phone. I wouldn’t just meet a dude after a brief chat. I’d talk to him for weeks, sometimes even months before we met. That screened out a lot of hookup kats.

      I met one guy and the relationship lasted a year before I went to college. He was older (25). Our first time meeting he told me he was taking me out but wouldn’t say where. We ended up going to a restaurant nothing fancy but ti an aimless low income kid I was hooked. Our relationship progressed and he showed me things I’ve never been exposed to. I had some turmoil at home he’d let me say. I had to work late and missed the bus he’d drive from MD to VA to pick me up from work and drop me home in VA.

      Keep in mind during all of this we never really had sex. I may have let him blow me once. In fact we ended up breaking up because when he tried to top me, I told him it hurt and I wasn’t feeling it (I haven’t bottomed ever again).

      All these years later I always wonder where he is in life. Probably married to a woman with a grip of kids, oh well.

8. My question is, if most black men want this kinda relationship, why is it that so few of us have it? It my belief that most of us want to be loved in that way. To be dated, courted and made to feel special. The issue is we want this from a certain type of man. I come to this blog often and I notice how most of the guys here lust after perfection. Meaning, most of us want this type of thing from these physically perfect men. The reality is, it may be out there, but it may not be with that type of man. Majority of gays, especially black gays seek physical perfection and will not tolerate anyone who they feel fall beneath that standard. So we sit, wait, and hope that our dream wolf comes along while the man you really need may have come your way several times but u dissed him because he didnt meet your standard. Just saying, we have to be realistic in our expectations before we sit and hope for someone who may not ever come.

   1. ^let me piggy back of this.
      sure I post men that I think are attractive.
      physically,
      I like a man with a nice body.
      I’ve posted guys people don’t think are remotely attractive.
      he’ll I’ve posted good looking dark skinned men and barely got any replies.
      even white men I deem as hot.
      most of these men may LOOK perfect,
      but some of their actions may not be perfect.
      I’m still attracted to him anyway.
      so I’m not looking for perfectionism,
      but more so someone that I deem attractive.
      I have been attracted to various shades,
      financial statuses,
      and body types honestly speaking.

   2. Egg-motherfucking-zactly

      Too many men want to hope that they can build a life with these dime a dozen thirst traps. They hope to have a somewhat compatible personality, but wouldn’t kick him out of bed regardless.

      I admit I have my ideal mates and something good is gonna catch my eye, but you have to be able to catch my attention and keep my attentions. I encountered so many Adonis or model types that were good to look at but I couldn’t stand to be around and was just plain uninteresting. That superficial stuff gets old quick.

   3. No, I don’t think so. I think we just use sex too much. How we attract guys? Sex. What do we use in order to have boyfriends? Sex. We focus too much on sex instead of the person.

   4. & you said that!!!!

   5. CAZ, if you’ll read my lengthy posting above, you’ll see that I agree with you. Many men SAY that they want attention and affection but they are usually as shallow as the Los Angeles River. So unless the other man has the body of Adonis and the face of America’s Next Top Male Model, he’s not what the dude is looking for and he has “no choice” but to continue to sample imperfect dick and/or ass until “Mr. Right” comes along. But the truth is that he’s met and rejected “Mr. Right” repeatedly because “Mr. Right” did not have the body of Adonis and the face of America’s Next Top Male Model or they together had compromise, communication, commitment, companionship or cash problems that could have and should have been worked out–but weren’t!

      Will men change? Not in mass. Many men realize the superficiality of being superficial as they get older (30s, 40s, 50s) but some don’t wake up and remain superficial deep down.

9. A. This is how I see it: As far as an “association” with a man, woman or child goes, any relationship (be it between friends, between father and daughter, mother and daughter, husband and wife, etc.) needs the 5 Cs:
   1. Compromise: They need to be able to compromise on their legitimate interests.
   2. Communication: They need to be able to communicate about their wants, needs, hopes, fears, aspirations, etc. This includes not just “what” but “how” and “when” to communicate. And communication includes listening and not just “saying” or “writing” or “sending”. Some things are best said by email and others by snail mail, telephone call, text message, etc. So the mode of communication is important. This is the most important C. Poor communication tends to lead to a poor relationship. No communication tends to lead to no relationship. (And the corollary is also true: Poor communication tends to lead to a poor relationship and a poor relationship tends to lead to no relationship.) It is through communication that the other Cs are realized. Compromise is made. Commitment is shown. Companionship is had and cash is dealt with clearly, compatibly and appropriately.
   3. Commitment: They need to be concerned with and about each other and sufficiently dedicated/devoted to each other and the relationship. This involves accountability, faithfulness, loyalty, attentiveness, diligence and effort.
   4. Companionship: They need to enjoy each other’s company.
   5. Cash: They need to be clear, cool and compatible on issues concerning money.
   When the 5 Cs are “added”, they add up to compatibility. What do you think of the 5 Cs?

   B. But I find that men (gay, straight and bisexual–look at Hugh Heffner a straight man and founder of Playboy, for example) typically have as their Alpha and Omega four things: 1. Looks: How you look from the neck up. 2. Body: How you look from the neck down. 3. Sex/sex appeal: Whether the sex is good and whether you are sexually alluring. (I called this the “erection test”. That is, it’s whether he thinks he will enjoy having sex with you.) And 4. Youth: Generally, the younger the better. And of course, there is the exception of number 5. Money. If you have enough money, then that can substitute for one, some or all of the other four. And the four things add up to sex. A relationship cannot last on sex.

   Now men can be faithfull, but relationships are harder for men. Why? One word: Testosterone. It’s testosterone that makes men grow beards, get larger penises in their teen years, help make men grow muscles, get lower voices in their teen years, etc. Once “etc” is the male sex drive. I say that “Men wake up in the morning with an erection and spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what to do with it.” And there is a lot of truth to that statement. Relationships are about the 5 Cs, but for many men, there’s no compromise. It’s my way or the high-way. Communication is central to any relationship but men are notoriously poor communicators. And many men are loath to reveal “to much” about themselves because it may display a weakness. (One woman once told another that complained about he husband not revealing his emotions to her: “Don’t you know honey, men only have thee emotions: hungry, horny and angry.” And there’s a lot of truth to that.) When it comes to commitment, men are often committed to their next orgasm/nut. They want to bust a nut, then it time to go or time for you to go so they can go forth and bust nuts with some other man or woman. And there’s a lot of truth to that.. When it come to companionship, often for men, there is no companionship—only sex.

   C. Women are different than men. It is said that “Two lesbians move in together after the second date.” With gay men, there is often not a second date. Why not? Well, if you don’t have sex with him and since his desire was for sex, he see’s no need to come back to you when you (be you a top or a bottom) was a “dry hole” and didn’t give him what he wanted. On the other hand, since his desire is for sex, if you give him sex on the first date, there is also no need to return because he got what he wanted and now he can go have sex with the next man. So either way, it’s one date and no more. And there is a lot of truth to that.

   No, it should be understood that lesbians have NO websites like Adam4Adam.com or blkgaychat.com, which some consider to be hook-up sites. And lesbians have no “bathhouses” like in “The Steamworks” Berkeley, Seattle and elsewhere where many/some men go for times of anonymous sex. And it should be understood that 50 % of relationships between gay men are “open” relationships—and probably more if you count the ones where one or both parties doesn’t know that the other party has it open on his end. It’s not uncommon for gay guys to go to sex parties or for gay couples to “play” together. It is uncommon for lesbians to go to sex parties or for lesbian couple to have joint sex with another person or persons. A gay man in a relationship wanting outside sex can often easily go on the Internet or to a bathhouse and “cheat”. Cheating is tolerated among gays much more than in the community at large. And for these reasons relationships between gay men are more difficult to sustatian that beween two lesbians or between a man and a woman.

   D. And for black men, it’s even worse for a number of reasons, including the lack of family support and general black society acceptance and support of gay relationship. Yes, black people are more homophobic and that creates problems for their sons. And when it comes to communication, since black men tend to be less educated that society at large, black men ten to have smaller pallet of words with which to communicate. Consequently, their communication tend to be more fraught with misunderstandings, miscommunication and poor communication. Similarly, African American culture may make it harder for men to be open, honest, frank and vulnerable with another man, making black gay relationships more problematic. Money is needed for any relationship and frankly many African American people, including gay men hardly “have two nickels to rub together”. This also makes relationships between African American men more difficult.

   (And of course the fact that men are attracted to other men with “muscles” accounts for the fact that gay men often spend spend nearly every waking hour at the gym and the time not spent at the gym is spent on sexual conquests. When you have the currency of exchange—looks, body, sex, sex appeal and youth, you spend it to get what you want: Sex with other men who have looks, body, sex, sex appeal and youth. When you don’t have the currency of exchange, then you beg for sex. Then you beg for dick and/or ass. Such is the way of the world.)

   E. Single men sometimes/often say that they’d like a relationship but when you dig deep, it seems that what they want is a fantasy. You might ask him “What about Manny that you met last week?” His answer might be, “Well, I’m a dime. I need a dime.” You might ask him, “What about Moe that you dated last Summer?” His answer might be, “He need to work out at the gym and lose a few pounds and then get back to me.” You might ask him, “What about Mack that you saw last month?” His answer might be, “He needs to step up his sex game.” Etc. Etc. The point is that many say that they want a relationship but they insist on a relationship with the perfect man that they want to have sex with: perfect looks, perfect body, perfect sex and sex appeal and perfect age. (Like the man they want to have sex with: The body of Adonis and the face of America’s Next Top Male model.) And when they cannot find the perfect man, they feel that they have “no choice” other than to continue to sample (often as much as possible) dick and/or ass like a dog in a meat house or a kid in a candy store. Never mind that there is no such thing as a perfect man or that if they found the perfect man, he wouldn’t want them because they are far from perfect. And never mind the fact that they are looking for a “relationship” based on sexual factors but that a relationship cannot be built on sex.

   I would like to read your views on my thoughts. Where do you think I got it right? Where do you think I got it wrong? Thank you

10. Who sys you can’t have it all.. Sometimes it’s the limitation we put on ourselves..

11. Everything you want is the exact same thing that I want. Except I prefer to listen to bachata and dance to it. Omg one of my fantasy is to dance the bachata on the beach when we travel to Dominican Republic. Then make love on la playa. And si Dios quiere I have a boyfriend I wanna go to Rome, Italy and we can pretend to be black Italians and have the most romantic week ever.

12. Oldie but goodie quote from one of my favorite blogs ever:

    “Where can you find all the good, successful, educated men? They’re right there waiting for you to talk to them, but you don’t like making the first move so you let them come and go. Hoes don’t have that problem. Hoes know that a closed mouth won’t get feed so they make it their business to keep their mouths open. If a Hoe sees a guy who looks like he may be doing it big, she’s going to come over and introduce herself. She can be the baddest chick in the lounge but she’s not playing the wall flower game. She has no problem with walking over and making small talk. Waiting for a sign doesn’t exist in her world because every man is an opportunity to win. That kind of mentality may be fucked up when it comes to using people, but when you’re not a Hoe and you’re looking for friendship not a come up, that mentality will change your life. Let’s face it, when most guys get to a certain level of success they no longer feel the need to put themselves out their like a thirsty nigga would and holla at girls who are across the room. You and a Hoe are both sitting by the bar, you have the same type of outfit on, and you’re even cuter than she is. But she’s not glued to her seat. As soon as she catches a guy looking her way she’s up out of her chair, ready to chat him up. You can sit, roll your eyes, and call her hungry but the reality is you chose to let opportunity pass you by, she took it.”

    1. ^does “she” in the quote have a vagina?

       i do like that outlook regardless.

       1. “She/Hoe” represents an “other” who seems to be more successful at the dating/relationship game than we are. We will stare laser beams at men and expect him to get the hint and walk over and introduce himself. We will act uninterested and then not understand why he doesn’t feeling comfortable approaching. We will attend heterosexual events/clubs/parties hoping homosexual men will be there. We will go the gym, keep our head phones on, not talk to or look at anyone, and then go home wondering why we can’t seem to meet men where they are. What we lack is initial contact. What we fail to do is believe in ourselves and become overwhelmed by this idea that if we speak, we will be rejected. We will wall flower, hide behind our friends, mean mug everything and everyone, pay more attention to our phones, stay glued to our chairs, and refuse to walk over and say hello… and then feel frustrated when the ones WE want don’t talk to us (because they are usually playing the same game) and the ones we don’t want DO (Because the ones we don’t want are the only ones who seem to be going after what THEY want until they are successful).

       2. This is the truth Vain. I’ve learned the hard way in the past.

    2. This is Black Girls Are Easy I think. I think it’s title: Why Hoes Be Winning.

    3. Why does this sound like something to tell a GIRL? We are men. How are we afraid of OTHER MEN? This shit is crazy as fuck. The nigga want u or he don’t. Walking up to him would probably get you punched out or ignored. How about u all try this? STOP LOOKING FOR A MAN! Taking advices giving to bitches won’t help any of u land your man. Maybe it’s something wrong with everyone they not attracting men. U Ever thought of that?

13. I’m so in agreement with everyone slse here, I think I want someone for more of the smaller things, like coming come and having him rubbing my feet while I complain about the bitches(female and male) I work with. Or just someone to snuggle with as we watch netflix just he simple things. Sigh

    Keeping hope alive

14. I’m a frequent watcher of house hunters on HGTV, and every other episode is with gay whitemale couples. men of color are to scared to put themselves out like that. Everything is a big secret. I say all that to say maybe its time to try something new.

    1. ^because they are white jay.

       they have the complexion for protection.
       how many many of color,
       that are out,
       will even do that together?
       from the way the “out together” thing works,
       one needs to be white.
       plus the whole point of this entry is for discreet people trying to find love.
       there are PLENTY of outs who are also single.
       let them tell it,
       life is easier,
       but they are still trying to find someone as well and not be looked at as a sex object.

       1. I guess what I’m saying, is that there are images of healthy, long-term white gay relationships, even interracial relationships. I was merely suggesting trying something different a lot of time we get caught up in what we think we want, we don’t try something new.

          1. ^hey I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
             I’ll date a white man.
             I have no issues with that.
             my preference is black men,
             but I’m open to tasting the rainbow.

    2. Don’t get too caught up in the image of White gay relationships. The vast majority are open relationships.

       1. Say THAT!

          They’ll invite a big black dick over to fuck them both for an easy $2,000!

          Nothing but the smell of poppers and KESHA playing!

          So I hear…lololol

15. In my experience you can come close to having that but one of the guys will be masculine and most likely on the DL. Of course that prevents the relationship from going public but behind close doors the intimacy is strong. Men & women compliment each other it’s simple biology, gays will never match them in this regard completely.

    Create your own happiness.

    1. ^and that’s completely fine.
       im not one for the out in public lovely dovey mushy,
       but the happiness being created behind closed doors…
       privately…
       I yearn for that.

16. No, you are not wrong for feeling this way. Everyone wants love, but is does take patience, especially in this life where the number of men is limited. However, when you do meet a man, be sure to make the best of it.

17. I feel the exact same way. I’ve been saying girls are lucky for years. They don’t even know how good they got it. If I could have that, I’d appreciate it everyday.

18. Oh sorry dat french quote means “there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved”.

19. i would go out,
    even my vixen friends,
    and see females with wolves.
    fine,
    cute,
    or even some question marks.
    they would be out on dates,
    shopping together in the supermarket,
    or walking down the street.
    one vixen i know had a wolf take her out,
    order whatever she wanted on the menu,
    and paid to try out various dishes.
    it use to make me jealous.
    enraged.
    now i don’t have the energy.
    i try to smile and hold onto faith.

    in the closet.
    out the closet.
    half way.
    its the absolutely same story we all share.

20. Il n’y a qu’un bonheur dans la vie, c’est d’aimer et d’être aimé.

21. You really channeled your inner Carrie Bradshaw for this post haven’t you? Well, I’m completely at that place in my life right now where it’s summer, and I go out at night and all I see are couples, on my way home couples, my girlfriends talk about their boyfriends, and anniversaries, and going to the beach and working out with their boyfriends, and I’m like ok? It’s like I want that but I’m not out so it’s forbidden for me to have. Idk if I I’ll ever get to experience something I want so badly. So I can totally relate.

22. Jamari you just explained everything I been feeling lately. This dating scene has just been one disappointment after another. Sometimes it makes me either wanna try to be straight or just be alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I should move but the men seem to be full of shit every where you go. I have been with my family this weekend and seeing my female cousins with their men just made me feel depressed because I want that. I wanna be able to introduce my man to my family (whenever I decide to come out). I wanna go on vacations and go out to eat and do all that stuff. For me that no strings attached sex is so lame too. I just want the intimacy. Idk I guess I vented enough lol.

    1. ^nope!
       vent!
       i did and i’m surprised how many are agreement.
       hope this entry will reach the masses.
       things need to change in this life.

    2. I was going to comment on this entry, but Sam Spade said everything that I am feeling, so I can save these keystrokes for another entry. Sam, Bro, I feel the exact same way.

23. Nope…totally justified.

24. Honey I feel you and you def not wrong for feeling this way.

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