43 thoughts on “I Don’t Think Black Wolves Like Me”

1. Okay I’m late coming to this string. And I hope I don’t repeat too much of what was said before because there are ALOT of comments. But Jamari, it seems you are kind of passive. Like looking at Wolves and waiting for them to approach you. Why don’t you walk up and strike a conversation? Or ask a guy out that you like? Instead of waiting for them to come to you. Do one exercise for me. Just one. Go online or Craigslist or whatever and find a gay organization that meets. A bowling club. A walking group. What the fuck ever just find one. And just walk in and talk and make conversation. And ask somebody that is even a little bit interesting out. Fuck if they white, black or green. Ask them out. Just for practice. The more you do this the easier it will get…Good luck. You have a lot of wit and intelligence going for you and if you are half as handsome as you say you should have no problem. But this looking at niggas is going to HAVE TO STOP. That’s lame!!!

   1. ^*raise hands slowly*
      i did go up to him.
      that was the point of the entry.

      1. Yes Jamari you did walk up to him and kudos to you for your bravery. But you assumed a lot about this guy without even talking to you. When he kept staring at you turning away he could have been:
         A. Admiring your clothes.
         B. Checking out your haircut.
         C. Thinking, “Damn due got a funny looking nose.”
         D. Simply glancing at you to have something to focus on while he worked.
         E. Staring at you because you kept staring at him. “Why the fuck does he keep looking over here. Let me glance back. Damn, he’s looking again let me turn away!”

         You assumed he was attracted to you and that may not have been it at all. Making assumptions is something you can never do because most folks aren’t mindreaders.

         And you should never take things personally because a million things could have played into how he reacted. He could have been mad busy and not needed distractions or he could have been gay and not wanted to be seen rapping in public or he could have been straight and not interested. The thing is you don’t know. You can only assume.

         That’s why I suggested you join gay interest groups not centered around bars, or sex parties or anything remotely related to the gay scene. Shit, go to an HRC event or something where you will meet gay professionals of all races.

         I know you like straight appearing wolves but what are the odds you will meet that person walking down a street and staring at them and hoping you can walk over to them or they can walk over to you and fireworks!!!! That happens all the time on “Sex and the City” but rarely in real life.

         Just saying. Okay. Enough. I know I’m getting on your nerves. Back to work!

2. Having “resting bitch face” can be intimidating. However, you don’t want to walk around smiling looking crazy. lol. You’ll find your guy soon and he will be everything you asked for and more. Maybe it’s just time for you to get your career started and focus on that. By you getting a wolf, it may distract you from that.

3. I had a similar revelation myself.

   I’ve come to the conclusion it has to be me! I’m the problem somehow.

   I have to be the reason guys in general are in and out of my life in the blink of an eye or they friendzone me and want to come to me with their sex/pseudo relationship problems.

   Recent events had me just driving with no destination thinking about the same cycle repeating itself over and over again. Then of course Satan or that voice of self doubt creeps in my ear and keeps repeating “You’re nothing. No one wants you and no one will ever care about you.” and leading me back to some very bad influences.

   I’ve gotta be a bad person somehow and I don’t know it yet. That’s the only conclusion for the treatment I get sometimes.

4. jamari i love you and your wisdom that you bring to this blog. but you’ve got to snap out of it! you’ve got too many good things going on for you to be worried about some man not making a move on you. There are so many people who love to be in your shoes right now. You are getting to work with some of the world’s top designers and you are making connections with influential people and taking your career to the next level. Just focus on your blessings now at this moment! Stop complaining! Be thankful and grateful! You also sound bitter. A blessed person should never in life sound bitter. Things could be worse. Keep your head up!

5. I am up to my head with Foxes playing the victim role and shifting the blame on us Wolves all the time, but do not acknowledge the mistakes they also make. I do not jump to conclusions when I meet and see men, that is a bad habit to have. Foxes on the other hand are sometimes under the impression that a man is interested just because he does one simple thing, and that one thing is usually not even a clear cut sign that a man is interested, let alone gay. You have some men in this life who believe that just because a man speaks to them that he is interested. I have seen it enough times, even with readers on this blog. People mistake common courtesy as a person being interested. How about the ones who believe head nods are always a sign? This is 2014, a head nod is just a simple greeting by two people who made eye contact who have enough manners to speak to one another. That is all. I don’t read into those anymore, no one should. Anyone who lives in the city def. knows this. Yea, some of them do get down, but all of them do not, and any man who is still using that as a method to get the attention of a man needs come a lot harder than that. I naturally want to feel people out before my mind starts running rampant, whether it is trying to figure out their sexuality or to see what type of person they are. If you ant to approach someone, you have to do it properly, which is important. The setting has to be right if you want to talk to a dude. A crowded place is not where dudes want to connect on a personal level, especially if one or both of the men involved are on the low and people they know are around. For example, when I was moving in at the beginning of the school year, this guy complimented on my smile. I didn’t entertain it tho because the setting was not right, but I did thank him and I casually walked away as I had things to do, not because I felt disrespected. Students were around, parents were around, and there was a dude standing next to him that I knew personally. I don’t like shit like that. Nah. If you are gonna come, do it right.

   At the end of the day, you have to allow the situation to play itself out at least somewhat before you start getting high hopes. When one of us Wolves wants a Fox, he will make a move, or if you talk to him he will not be an asshole. You also have to go into the situation with a clear mind, just in case the man in question is not what you expected, and the disappointment will be easier to handle.

   1. So true Bro, I got 2 friends who both believe every dude gets down and I mean everyone and both have gotten their face cracked and feelings hurt. I never assume a dudes gets down until he is in my crib with his pants down and legs up in the air LOL. I am so glad you said this, I think Foxes got it bad thinking this. Many str8 dudes are just cool and naturally nice and have no clue that you see them in a sexual way. Even if they think you may have a crush on them, they may even flirt a little and like the attention but by no means are they getting down with you on a sexual level. Dudes who are extra and assholes when you pay them attention are not even worth the effort.

6. This weekend I was invited to a friends cookout with her family. I wore a tank top with my guns a-blazing(lol) and the Vixens there, were wanting to eat me up like one of the ribs at the cookout. This one Vixen came over and ask me was I a personal trainer, she was obviously flirting, she wanted to know if I would be interested in training her, I told her that I just work out on my own but gave her some tips and was able to escape without having to give her my number 🙂 I was like damn why cant I have this effect with my Black brothers. I think most Black Gay men are too competitive and we dont want to feel the sting of rejection so we often end up just looking and peeping each other without ever making a move. At least this has been my M.O. Of course lets not forget that usually at a Black Gay function there is going to always be some unattractive messy queen who wants to cockblock on their good looking friends who you are checking out. They are going to be so negative that its nearly impossible to be able to have a chance to meet them. I have witness this so much, that I dont even bother anymore.Its really hard out here to meet a dude who has not been whored out, who can hold his own, and is not trying to use you for a come up.

   I try to continue to go to work, hang out, travel, work out and do things I like to do but any one who says that they are content alone is telling a big fat lie. I like my peace of mind being by myself and I dont want to deal with bullshit but I would much rather have someone I can chill with and be intimate with, not just someone who wants to come over at 11pm and leave at 2AM. I met a dude who was my ideal, but he only wanted that late night creep shit, I let him go and it was hard as hell but I know that is not what I want. Thanks in part to the great advice of the foxhole I am placing a higher value on ME and not putting up with anything just to have someone. If I can catch the eyes of beautiful Vixens surely there is a dude who I can click with. Right now, dating outside my race is not something I will entertain, as bad as it has gotten, it has not gotten that bad yet with me. I still have faith in my Brothers even after all the disappointments and let downs I have experienced these last couple of years.

   1. You will find yours Tajan.

7. I agree with Jay. We must keep in mind that we as a Black Community have not begun to positively deal with same gender love and experiences in our own community. Many of us just want to live our lives without being marginalized or rejected because of whom we love or are sexually attracted to.

   My advice is to challenge your thoughts and stay away from the absolutes: all black wolves are bitches. No we are not. Some are but not all. This will cut you off from the ones who are open to a guy like you.

   Do more of the things you love. Get out and enjoy yourself without the intention of meeting him but at least be open. If it didn’t happen that day remain positive.

   Dating outside your race because you feel rejected by your own is a recipe for disaster. What you are saying to YOURSELF is that the other side is better. You might find a whole new set of problems with racism and classism to deal with. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

   I often tell my friends to stay true to self, get out there, have a good time, and avoid the work home trap. Nobody’s gonna knock your door down and sweep you off your feet.

8. I still say that the venue matters. Since Jamari has elsewhere expressed an interest in Black DL wolves, he shouldn’t generalize from the subset of our population that attends NY Fashion Week.

9. I feel the need to offer a defense of Black wolves. The reality is that the personal and emotional consequences of coming out are higher for those of us who are from and would like to stay connected to the Black community. There is well- defined psychic space for the flamboyant queens and for the butch pussy hounds. But, not much for those of us who fall anywhere between those extremes. We prefer a social position that allows people to assume that we are straight even as our personal / private lives might be much more complicated than that. Therefore, a DL wolf who was feeling you and who saw all the possibilities of loving and being loved by you might STILL not be open to an approach at NEW YORK FASHION WEEK! If you want a man who will step to you in a room full of hair dressers, designers and fashionistas, perhaps a snow wolf is a better option.

   1. That sounds like an excuse brother. What happened to a “wink and a nod”? Follow him to the bathroom? These are excuses that we like to give black gay men who want to be coddled. The writer suggested he went up to him about his job. What if the reader was straight and network?

      1. The writer* not reader; my correction.

      2. A wink?

         You cannot be serious. What if the man is not gay? Now you are trying to get people beat up.

         Following him to the bathroom?

         We live in reality, not what we seen in the pornos and the movies. I would feel guarded in a bathroom. No one is around and I do not know you.

10. I hated when gay became mainstream. People thought it was a good move, but it only made lost people more aware of how sexual they needed (or should) to be. Back a couple years ago, it was so easy to date a decent black wolf as you all call it. Now these social services have these wolves over sexed. When you could purchase a fake ass, that is when I knew life was taking a turn for the worst. I don’t blame anyone who dates outside their race these days. Why settle for people who will treat you like shit, physical and mentally abuse you, and have you feeling like an outcast? And this is from blacks. If black people stuck together like the Jews or the white gays, we would all be happier and these topics would not be coming up for constant discussion. The person who writes this blog comes off like a decent hard working individual. The people who comment are also the same. It’s too bad that means everyone is too much to handle and will be single for probably the rest of your lives. Successful, but single. Just like many other gay bottoms who chose to focus on their lives rather than what dick to hop on next. When you choose the path to be a successful black gay man, be prepared to live alone with dreams and fantasies (or date a very decent white man). No wonder so many of us are killing ourselves.

    1. I forgot to as this is the plight of the successful black woman who loves and wants to marry a black man. Black gay men and black women are one in the same nowadays. I’ve started seeing successful black women dating more white men. Stay strong brothers.

       1. Forgot to add* my correction.

11. I’m glad someone wrote this. People think it’s a game being a black gay bottom. Black gay men are the worst creatures to date.

12. The struggle of being a regular dude who likes dudes…. Sigh 1 day Jamari I day

13. It’s not you it’s def them I sure there are find black wolves out there wanting you as much as you want them . Fuck homeboy and his issues it’s just like old head said he’s just insecure and you don’t have time for that. I also don’t think you should be afraid to date other races I would hate for the wolf of your dreams to pass you by just cuz he’s not black.

14. Listen Jamari. I am as pro black as it comes. I love black wolves. But this summer have not dealt with a single one, try something new. I haven’t done it intentionally it just sort of happened, when I notice I’ll get more play from snow wolves, but I never entertained it. I hate to say this but as a black man, I’ve never been with a black man who wanted to do more than take off my clothes. I’m just saying, open your horizons. I have.

    1. that sounds cool. how do you feel being objectified by these white men?

15. Jamari, it’s not you. The wolves who are dissing you, like the one who walked away, are super closeted and afraid that being seen talking to you will “out” them. They have probably clocked you and their own insecurity with themselves makes them feel straights they are trying to fool would clock you both. It’s crazy and sad. Years ago, I used to smash this super fine and masculine hybrid. I wanted to take it further than late night hookups and suggested catching a movie. The brother almost had a heart attack, saying people would consider us gay if we were to have gone to a movie together. He would have been cool with hitting the tennis court or basketball court but not the movies. Pay close attention next time you’re at a movie and notice, if you see two brothers who have come together, chances are they will sit with an empty seat between them, then activate your gaydar. Straight brothers hang out with each other all the time without those hangups…at basketball games, wherever. It’s sad, but it only demonstrates the depth of the internalized homophobia still very deep among our brothers. My suggestion to you: be yourself. Think about the unecessary drama you are spared when they look away. Self assured wolves are out there. It’s a matter of being in the right place at the right time. When you least expect it, your paths will cross. Please, never ever lower your standards.

    1. ^and see thats sad because i’m not even “out”.
       you are right oh.
       its really depressing,
       but i’m not gonna change myself.

       then on another side of the spectrum,
       the ones who are out and feminine,
       they are getting the fine ones.

       i’m tired of the contradictions oh.
       i’m gonna live life gunz a blazin because obviously,
       being respectful and cool means shit nowadays.

    2. Old Head, so needed to hear this to stay encouraged. I am a little older as well myself but still find it so hard to get on the same page with my brothers. Its disheartening at times but I am going to stay on course.

16. Are you sure these men who stare are interested in you sexually? Here is my theory. You could possibly be mistaking jealousy for attraction. When people are envious they sometimes stare, not just when they are attracted to you. This would explain that guy’s attitude when you approached and talked with him. It makes sense when you think about it. That really sounds like jealousy to me. That would explain rage. If he truly was attracted to you, he would not have blown you off like that.

    1. ^this happens all the time with black men tho.
       everyone cant be jealous of me.
       i get eye fucked to death,
       but when it comes time to approach,
       it either falls flat OR i get a cold shoulder.
       it could be HE was jealous,
       but lets get on the other black wolves.
       the games.
       the “lookey loo”.
       its not all my fault and i refuse to take responsibility when i’m a pretty open person.

       1. Well I know all of them aren’t jealous, but quite a few might be. You should think about that when men blow you off or act rude to you. There is a difference between an envious stare and one of attraction. This would makes things tricky at times for you.

       2. perhaps you’re delusional. this has happened with me before…you want something to happen so badly you warp the truth to suit yourself. Just go to like a meet up.com event for singles…that would be more sensible than just waiting to get scooped up like this is a romantic comedy.

          1. ^oh shoot!
             and here I thought I was in a Julia Roberts movie.
             ugh!

       3. Theres no need to be rude. I thought you were above the “pineapple” antics. I just thought I might help with a few words of kindness. You’re the lonely one not me…Im engaged.

          Like I said try a meet up/ speed dating scenario…thats where I met my man…even though I’m black and he’s high yellow hispanic…thats where WE met. Good luck. Keep us posted.

          1. ^oh ricky your comment reeks of passive aggression.
             ever since you started commenting,
             you have even coming at my head.
             I’ll be sure to keep you updated since you are so concerned.
             I mean you do keep coming back so I must be doing something right.

             …oh and congratulations on the engagement!

17. Jamari, I feel the same way!! Guys will not approach me and when they do its the ones i’m not attracted to. I’ve been told that i scare guys and that i come across too confident or that i’m not gay enough??!! My dating life is awful!! I don’t date, but would love to go on a date with some one that i’m interested in.
    I want to feel that chemistry that you have with someone that makes your insides feel all smooshy!! I miss that feeling!! I love love, but it’s been a long time since I have felt it. You are not alone, trust me!!

    1. ^see i’m not the only one!

       listen if a snow wolf,
       one i am attracted to,
       wants to date me then guess what?
       jamari fox is going on a date.
       i’m tired of these niggas to appreciate my worth.
       working fashion week has taught me so much about myself.
       i am so grateful i took the opportunity.
       it made me see my worth,
       made me realize just how attractive i am,
       and allowed me closure on a few insecurities i had.

       this gold digga era is starting off with a BANG.

    2. Bro, I feel like I wrote this entry, you have described my current situation to the T.

18. That so strange I also had the same feeling this morning although I woke up at 4 am. Yea I totally understand where you coming from and I hate to say this, but maybe you shouldn’t waste your time focusing on black wolves? Maybe it time to date outside. You can definitely date a black Latino to keep that black love going tho. But I got a question how come black men have high standards towards other black people and if the person live up to the standards it not guarantee , but are more willing to date a piece of trash white person? Why the double standards?

    1. ^EXCELLENT QUESTION LIN!
       i’m sure if i was WHITE,
       id be the new it fox to date.
       every quality i have would be enhanced with a snow fox.
       i would have niggas beatin down my door and blowing up phone.
       better yet,
       if i had none of those qualities and was some common ratchet new black,
       i’m sure i would be in a better place as well.

       good observation lin.

       1. Not really the answer what I was looking for, but whatever. 🙁 Disappointed now. Oh well my attraction for black wolves is slowly decreasing.

       2. i suppose dating outside your race is cool is you wanna be sex object….a fetish…good luck with that

    2. i mean,
       but its the truth.
       for years i thought something was wrong with me.
       i would look at other races,
       and even the ratchets,
       and wonder what they have that i don’t.
       its not you or me lin.
       its these niggas who are taught to date/fuck their own who are less than or clear than.
       it goes back to slavery.
       blacks are taught to hold other blacks down.
       i don’t know how it is in the latino community,
       but with my own community,
       i am constantly treated like shit for no reason than being focused.
       and if i intimidate someone,
       someone who would benefit being with someone like me,
       then that says a lot about THEM.

       i’m tired of taking the blame for these idiot niggas and their insecurities.

       1. You know what? Fuck those niggas, yea I said fuck. Anyway they don’t deserve you because if they prefer to buy a cubic zirconium over a chocolate diamond then yea, NO! I never picture you dating a black wolf at all for some reason. I always thought you will be dating Dominican. I could be right tho because we do share the same emotion. Btw are you a scorpio? because I read something that scorpio and taurus are sister signs which would explain.

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