there is a scene in season 4 of “the crown” that stuck with me.
it is the final scene where princess diana is standing amongst the royal family for a photo.
she realizes she’s on the outside of that family and had to fake a smile that wasn’t genuine.
we don’t know what people are suffering in silence with.
social media has a way of making everyone look better than you.
twitter shows everyone is wittier,
ig shows everyone is better,
and clubhouse shows everyone is more successful.
we go to folk’s social media and they look happy.
they’re outside,
traveling,
in these loving relationships,
and their skin is clear and glows from the Gods of all skincareia.
with some,
we don’t realize there is another story that isn’t being told.
if you look at me,
you’d think…
^this guy is quite alright.
he has a personality,
witty,
and quite charming.
he has an amazing website,
a dope community,
looks pretty comfortable in his own skin,
and probably has males (and some vixens) trying to get at him.
on an aspect of his life,
that is true.
behind all the pictures and videos,
he does suffer in silence.
i was doing so well and learning to be in the flow state.
i got some news that threw me off this week.
it didn’t help i went snooping when i said i was gonna stop.
10 outta 10; don’t recommend.
because of that,
everything became out of wack.
my anxiety has been at 20,
i’ve been throwing up like crazy during the night,
my sleep schedule is off,
my mind is all over the place,
and i feel this ding of worthlessness and hopelessness.
i feel like i wasted a shit ton of time on someone that i shouldn’t have,
i’m on a strict budget,
and i feel so lonely and underappreciated.
if you saw me in person or on social media tho,
i’d never give off that impression because i’d put that mask of “i’m good” on.
i tend to be an open book on the foxhole,
but most people i know don’t know about this world and community.
you can be blessed and still suffer.
material possessions and “fun moments” don’t erase trauma and depression.
people have taken their own lives after being the life of the party.
this only puts a mask over it until we have to confront ourselves again.
this is why i feel like this is why some people choose to stay busy and be outside.
this is why some only feel whole in a relationship,
regardless if it’s terrible because they don’t want to be alone.
There are males who are gay/bi,
but forced to be in relationships with women because they can’t (or don’t know how) be themselves.
They’re literally on auto-pilot as they fake a smile for their family and friends.
There are celebrities who,
even after having the world at their disposal,
are ready to be the next headline of someone who took their own life.
There are parents who hate that they had kids.
They feel like they ruined their lives having kids,
but don’t want to be shamed for admitting they really hate their children.
so when we see the pictures and the videos,
we assume everything is all good.
we can say “be kind” to everyone but that’s impossible.
there are people we can’t exactly be “kind” to.
they are assholes who roam these forests,
but even those folks are suffering from something as well.
You just never know.
we can’t always trust pretty pictures or lit videos.
those tend to be distractions from what’s really going on.
sometimes what someone is suffering with behind the lens will shock you.
lowkey: i just want things to change so i can be happy again.
i want things to go back to how they were or…
is that isn’t wise?
i want to feel like how i felt last week.
Stop playing victim and man up. You have built a huge platform and a large following you should be grateful and relish in what you’ve accomplished. Stop trying to simp for sympathy.
^ima gonna keep it a buck.
You can’t tell people how to feel.
there are celebrities out there who have huge platforms and followings but suffer from their own mental illnesses.
some have even taken their own lives.
welcome to my platform.
i was having a down day and writing out that entry helped clear my mind.
in expressing myself,
i was able to start getting through what i was dealing with.
i’m very grateful for my platform and having the option to share every part of me.
“inside jamarif fox” isn’t just about having a dick up in me.
i’d never tell someone to “man up” if they’re feeling down.
the fuck?
is that what you’re gonna tell your son if he suffers from depression?
as a gay male i’m assuming,
you should know how those words damaged most of us out here.
some of us keep things bottled up because we were told to “man up”.
cut it out.
#respectfully
I’m late, but this was on my spirit. You have the emotional intelligence of a bag of apples. Telling someone to man up is a quick way to get somebody fucked up. When you don’t or can’t express how you truly feel, you lose out on so much in life. What purpose does a following and a platform serve if you’re looking for happiness? It’s mfs like yourself that perpetuate that cycle of bs and then get mad because you end up with another generation of broken/abusive black men. Please do some reflection and engage in some critical thinking before you speak on this.
P.S. Jamari hang in there and sending my love to you!
Invest your time in three people: You, your goals and the younger you. Investing in you means you have the access and options to get where you want to be: Where happy for Jamari is. Investing in your goals gives your purpose and a reason to wake up and not dread Mondays. Investing in the younger Jamari is making sure you nurture him, protect him, don’t expose him to the same situations and ultimately live out his wildest dreams and those he never would, because he thought he couldn’t or was afraid. Make Jamari proud.
You’ll be able to invest in others when you pour time, money, love and encouragement into YOU first. I’m not just saying it. I stopped talking negatively to myself and said that I am worthy of happiness, other’s lives would be different without me and the reason I was born is for ME to define.
Is that a Daddy I see? Jamari is that you?! 👀😂 I’m like the other person, you cute af boo 😘
And I felt everything you said in this post. I’ve been all over the place for a month now and recently I just decided to surrender and go with the flow. You got this!
I am not a doctor so take my advice with a grain of salt; I can only tell you what has worked for me. Also note there are many to pick from if you want to try it out.
Drink plenty of water.
YouTube can be your friend; from YouTube I would start my day with a 10-minute yoga routine and I would end the night with a bedtime yoga routine. Beginning yoga by sarahbethyoga, I’ll post the morning and nighttime routine I started with.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaoV1PrYft4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKqnhbrV6ms
On YouTube I also found some breathing exercises that I practice that are designed to help with stress and anxiety. AskdoctorJo is pretty good for that one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odADwWzHR24
On YouTube I also followed some guided meditations that help with mindful thinking ; that helps your mind when it gets to racing.
I try to steer away from take and only eat things that I can cook, it has been interesting learning how to cook.
I don’t know where you are at spiritually or what you believe in, but I also tried reading the bible more through this pandemic. That has been an interesting experience as well.
Just hang in there, Jamari. Things can change (for the better) in an instant. Just know that there are many of us who look to your blog and podcast for a friendly and familiar voice. Not to mention the times when you drop a personal piece that feels like it was written specifically for us! Love those. As we sit consumed by our thoughts, it can sometimes be hard to see the good that we do. I “get” where you are, though. Thanks from Tennessee for all that you give!
Jamari, we love you man. I’ve been here for 9 years visiting your site. I’m not as active as I use to be, but I’m still here, because you provide us with great content, and I’m loving the podcast too. You’re such a handsome amazing guy, I hope you get your able to find your happiness soon.
^thank you eric!
you are so dope and i’m grateful for all you said and do.
i hope all is well with you!
Eh…nigga you is cute asf!
Okay sorry I got distracted but you keep us entertained every single day. I can’t imagine my day without checking this site and it’s only right that we support you man.
I didn’t realize your cashapp was posted here! Dinner is on me! 😘
^ awww thank you prince!
i appreciate the blessings and the words!!!
i’ll make sure to get something good for dinner tomorrow!
A lot of times, social media is just smoke and mirrors! So needed to read this today!
^ i have to always remember that!
i’m glad you took something from the entry nick!
Awww Jamari! I can’t help you but I pray you are able to finally put this slump behind you. I don’t think there is an exact formula to start feeling better but my advise to many things until something clicks. It could be all sorts of things, trying a crazy hobby you have never considered or thaught you liked, speaking to a therapist, sleeping more, maybe even taking a break from technology (obviously that needs preparation) and many other things. Hopefully this helps, I hope you able to get out of this rut. xxx
^thank you bebe ❤️